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Womens Issues:Hi Sumathi.
2008-01-05
Name: dddd Hi Sumathi,Happy New year. Havent heard from you for sometime now. Was wondering how are you and your daughter?WHat did you do on new year.I didnt do much and dozed off just on New year eve.Take care and post back.Hope i didnt disturb you.I must have posted like this 2-3 times and probably annoyed you. Sorry for that.
Take care.
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2008-01-26
#1
Name: dddd
Subject:  hi
Hi Semi,What is the point of saving a marriage in such situation. Will the kids have a healthy environment. They will think ifs okay to abuse wives and for them to keep quiet. If you have daughters. They will think its okay to get abused.I will say its not hunky dory for me also. But my husband has stopped abusing and that is a relief for me. Otherwise i was also edgy before due to fear of abuse.If i dont separate now,i will eventually do it.Maybe not now but after say 6-8 yrs. I do want to see a stress free life with doing things i enjoy.
You are a smart educated working woman. Dont let this stop u from doing great things u a can do with your life. Your kids will be glad if at all you separate. Give it a thought.
Take care
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2008-01-23
#2
Name: dddd
Subject:  Very sorry
Semi,Please dont think further. I will say call the cops and separate from your husband.Even my husband was abusive. I should say not as much as yours. The damage is done for you me and Sumathi.We will remember this till we die. Yes,As your mom said it maybe bad karma.You know after I completed my engineering my mom wanted to look for grooms.Then many astrologers told her that on such and a such a day ,i need to do puja to such and such a god to get married. I did that for 2 yrs.Imagine I had to go to college(it was my final yr engineering)do final year project and prepare for exams and do these pujas. But what happened it didnt change my destiny of get married to my husband.I will not say all is well now and i will have a happy married life. I still have scars of abuse and may never come out of it.On the other hand if i do remain in this marriage i will not let my husband be the decision maker ever again. I dont want him to have more power associated with this.
Semi,your in laws are not different from mine or sumathi' s . Their only motto is son is right DIL is a witch she doesnt belong in the life of our son /brother. She is throwing all my son/brother' s money.Semi I stopped lighting diya to God after my husband' s first abuse. I did it again only 3 yrs back when he didnt have a job.He got the job and during the process abused me again many times. That was the last. After going to temples for 2 yrs 4 days a week also i cudnt change my fate of abusive marriage ,then maybe God doesnt want to give any thing to me afterall.I have seen girls who havent done any of what i did like pujas or anything or still now doing it telling we dont believe in God who have wonderful husbands who are at their beck and call.

Why dont u take legal help?It will relieve u temporarily and u will be able to think clearly.If i hadnt done that I wud have been in a very bad state now.Think about it.
Take care
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2008-01-24
#3
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi dddd
yes dddd. You are right. I think even god is with you, who are bad and evil person. I don´ t remember hurting anyone in my life delibreately or talking to anyone even in rude tone. I also did lot of poojas and what not. and as I said was good in all aspect of life and look what god has given me. A abusive and mentally sick person for lifelong who does not want ot have a life with me. I can take legal help but that means a clear divorce. He gives me divorce 5 times a day verbally. I was doing every thing ot save this marriage and taking his abuse. It all seem to be going waste.
semi
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2008-01-22
#4
Name: dddd
Subject:  Confidence galore
Hi Semi,
First of all let me tell you i am the boldest in my house.I have never been meek really. After marriage and my husband abuse,i was really really tensed and depressed and scared to react to anything he did. I didnt have any body in family nearby and was in a new country.I can completely understand how you feel when u say your hubby is in a loud tone. I have been there. But once i took legal help,i got all my confidence back and now know what is my priority. Thats my happiness.Even now my husband endlessly accuses me but i dont care and he knows. He just feels let me try to hurt her and bring her down. When he feels its not working he himself backs off.You just need one shot of confidence like me. If you get it you can be very bold and tackle any situation.Now the situation is like when we visit his friends house,everybody are really good to me and just talk and bond less with my husband. That gives me a little more strength.
Semi,once somebody or husbands know they can intimidate us they do it more. Only we shud not give them a chance. I know its easier said then done. I was you before. After the legal help,I have been a lot more confident and bold in handling anything. It has made the difference in my relationship with my husband. Now he feels I do make sense when i tell him something or do something.You also need one shot of confidence to see things clearly. Dont worry everybody gets it sooner or later. Maybe yours is tomorrow.
Take care.
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2008-01-23
#5
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi dddd, sumathi
Hi dddd,
thanks for your kind word and advice. I kind of fully agree with you that I was too weak to stand against his abuse when i came to this country 12 yr. back. I was a very soft hearted and most sheltered and be loved child of my family. He took advantage of my being alone in this country with no job and started severely abusing me. I have no word to tell you the kind of abuse he used to do. If I ever made a attemp to reply back to him. He used to still becomes more brutel and just withdrawl himself completel from me to abuse me. He did not talk to me even a word for sometime 6 month and a yr. I used to die with endless cry and used to gets fits of anxity on my future (when he left job 6 yr. back to abuse me further), but nothing affects this guy . He is inhuman animal. You cry, you love, support, show your endless patience, compromise to your end, keep your mouth shut in every false accusation in fornt of him, but nothing can change him or improve his anger . He shows his rage on almost negligible issues. The more I compromise on his unreasonable demands, the more he demands. If I compromise on his 100 demands, he can start abusing me on 101 demand. It is like never ending process. He knows that I feel alone and depress here so he uses his presense to abuse me by withdrawing himself completely. If I try to reply back to him, He either picks up hand on me or abuse me further with the feeling of retaliating to punish me. And the most strange part is that if I say all this to my In Lasw - they said he is fine with us. You are liying. Fault is in you... What a hell this life is. Sometime I feel so angry and frastruated with my life and God that I don´ t even feel like doing prayer to god. The only explation my mother can give me for our endless (me and my mother´ s suffering) that we might have done some bad karma in past life so we got him as husband and son-in-law other wise why the hell I had to marry to this abusive guy who is bad in all aspect in 100 million population on India.
semi
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2008-01-22
#6
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi semi
Hi semi, I am very sorry to hear about your 12 years of abusive marriage. Mine and dddd´ s case are different. My husband and hers are behaving badly with us because of in-laws intereference. Your husband himself is basically abusive and his family doesn´ t care about it. May be they thought he would become better after marriage. Sadly many families believe in this. I really can´ t understand how an abusive person will change after marriage. When elders can´ t control how a young wife can do that?
Ok coming to your matter, since you spoke to your family also, it is time for you to move on. A peson like your husband who can ruthlessly say your folks that he will continue to abuse you is not human. Even if you have never worked before you can work and support yourself. There are plenty of jobs here. You can´ t live like this. God will help those who help themselves. So start helping yourself and you will see what God will do for you.
I really don´ t like to tell this word as i myself can´ t accept divorce. Every situation is different.
If you think you are weak and need support try to convince your family. If they are already convinced you can go ahead. Becaue you have waited enough.
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2008-01-17
#7
Name: dddd
Subject:  Agree
Hey there are somethings although we know if we hear it from somebody else it can be very reassuring. I hope its the same.We are doing this for good not bad intentions.So we shud be little bit bold and thick skinned to endlessly make our in laws and husbands make efforts to bring us down and not succeed. I see my husband do it and sometimes i do cry,I 85% give him back and dont care a bit for his words.Its my secret to happiness.
You too can think of trying it will make you a lot happier and confident person.
I am in process of relocating for my husband' s job and may not answer immediately next time.But will be back when i can .
Take care
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2008-01-22
#8
Name: semi
Subject:  hi dddd
Hi dddd
how do u do that? I can hardly reply back to my husband when he starts on me with angry face and brutal voice. I feel so scared that my heart beat goes fast and does not stop whole night. I get dry mouth all the time and sweating and cold feet. If I try to reply back a little. he raised his voice with endless Accusations and bad words (gali) that I just loose my sense with fear..
semi
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2008-01-17
#9
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  good luck
Hi dddd, if we come up well in life then their stomach will burn more and more with jealousy. Thats the only punishment i can think of giving them. My husband is one unlucky person. Yours too. Because they have good wives and don´ t know to lead a peaceful life. My husband has got a healthy child, but he is not able to enjoy her while all my friends enjoy playing with her. No amount of good advice enter his mind. Thats why i say he is unlucky i should leave it like that. Glad to know about your relocation and good luck to you in the new place. I am also relocating in this month end as i got a better job in the neighboring town which is just an hour away. Take care.
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2008-01-16
#10
Name: dddd
Subject:  Reply
Hi Sumathi,I used to tell my cousin who suffered in her in laws hands that think about it as your bad time is over early in marriage . then u will be happy always. of course i was 20 then. Now she keeps telling u consoled me unknowingly and that kept me going.
She is now very happy. Touch wood.
We dont get good things so easily. If its bad its instant. This is also one of good things which is taking time. It took me 3 yrs to put an end to my husband' s abuse.Dont think about these things too much . I had no other go ,i had to. I was at home,no job no driving.If i had a job or cud drive. I wudnt have made myself a nervous wreck then.relax and enjoy with your baby. There will be some treasured moments now which you will probably tell her when she is 10 -12 yrs old.As far as in laws ,treat them like they mean nothing to you. i do the same. I just exchange pleasantries. Now they know they cant bring me down and complain about me to my hubby but never to me. You should also try to think in these lines.
My husband and in laws as much as possible make me feel like I am nobody and cant do anything.I am going to be 30 in 2 months and still my SIL and husband feel i am immature.Only I dont let their comments get to me. I have only one thing on my mind. If i am happy the whole world is happy. I dont care for anybody' s happiness but mine.You should also try to think like this. We will be much happier.If we let the anybody and everybody bring us down we will lose our mental strength. its not worth it.This anybody and everybody includes husbands and in laws too. All my husband' s friends feel He wudnt be where he is without me. But my husband has to bring me down for his own self gratification.Its his only satisfaction. ONly i dont get influenced.Try to think similarly. It will boost your confidence 10 fold.
Take care
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2008-01-17
#11
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  thanks again
Hi dddd, i really don´ t know what to say except for completely agreeing with you. These are facts which escape from mind time to time. Thanks for pointing it out.
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2008-01-16
#12
Name: dddd
Subject:  Sad
How are you? I read your post.Dont be disheartened.Tables have to turn on them soon.I know its easier said than done.Please dont make your self weak.We dont deserve this.No girl deserves this. Sometimes i do think God was not fair with us when we had to get married to our husbands. Sometimes i feel he has put us here to teach our husbands a lesson.Dont you also think so. I maynot be a very confident person if i didnt think like that.
My husband takes potshots at me everyday. You cant do this,you only think of yourself,you are ugly. If i just start thinking about all things he says i wudnt be confident and become depressed. I dont let him do that.You should also try to be confident. Dont let anybody bring u down.You need it most in situations you and i are in.
coming to your husband dont worry, if i know correct your in laws maybe influencing him not visiting the baby. Its not going to be your in laws loss. Its your husband' s loss. He missed the most precious moments of his life seeing the baby walk and talk.Dont mind is it recent your husband is in child support process. If its long time he will surely feel the pinch. looks like your husband is a devoted son and brother.I have seen people like this in my own family. We shud only stop revolving our worlds around them.After your return back from india ,your husband sure was repenting . Thats what i cud make out from your post. The in laws are influencing him to not meet his daughter or you. Will they do the same to your SIL or husband. I guess God is helping them now. Hope it reverses soon. Please be confident and take care of yourself. JUst think would the baby be happy and crossing so many milestones if in stressful environment. Take care and be posting so i atleast i will be able to take your mind off present things.
Keep one thing in mind.I need to make my husband a good person and my family life a happy one.Its worth everything in end.
Dont worry your husband might be regretting but your in laws will be there to pull him back and say its not his fault.Hence he might b having conflicting emotions.Give him time.

Happy Pongal to you and your baby.
please take good care of you and your baby. And keep one thing in mind. I have to be happy for the world to be happy.
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2008-01-16
#13
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  thank you dddd
Dear dddd, your post makes me feel better. Right now God is very patient letting them do whatever they want. So i should also be patient, thats what it amounts to. I am so sorry to hear how your husband intimidates you. I am glad that you learnt the secret to hold your confident high and appreciate that. I wish you a happy pongal too. Take care.
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2008-01-11
#14
Name: dddd
Subject:  Reply
Hi Sumathi,Hope you and your baby are doing good.I cant post reply without your full post. If possible do post.
Take care
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2008-01-15
#15
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi dddd
How are you doing? Me so so. It looks like my parents-in-law have come back to the town from my sil´ s place. It is more than a month since my husband had visitation with my baby. He doesn´ t even call to know about her. (still not returning my phone calls) His colleagues also say that he doesn´ t show any sign of sorrow about missing his baby. I am really doubting is it worth having my hopes for him. A person who can´ t love his baby, an innocent one, how can i think he is a good person. That entire family is self centered that they completely played with my baby - first by taking her away from me in the name of custody and now ignoring her completely. They are not humanbeings.
Just now she is walking, taking and learning new things everyday. As a mother i completely enjoy spending time with her and can´ t imagine a day without her. How can my husband stay away from her during this interesting period? Is it like dads don´ t appreciate a child´ s development as much as a mother would do? I am completely angry and sad at his behavior.
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2008-01-09
#16
Name: dddd
Subject:  Dont be despaired
Sumathi ,do not get disappointed. Dont you think your husband misses you and the baby. Of course he does . only men wont admit it becoz of their ego. My husband doesnt feel its his fault either.
My mom told me if husbands keep us happy we shud share happiness. But if they trouble us give them the same trouble. No sense letting them to be calm and collected.
You know there were times my husband has left me crying for hrs with bruises. So now I dont let him forget it ever and keep reminding him.Inspite of all this to keep my parents happy he didnt call to ask whether i reached safely.
Dont be upset. Your husband isnt telling but yes he wants you back with the baby. Its a man' s ego with our husbands.Dont stop trying. Keep calling him. He will talk sooner or later. Oh dont worry ,probably he is coming in terms with u being right and his parents constant interaction with him regarding this. See even wrongdoers can convince the whole world they are right but not to their conscious right.You know Sumathi ,as much as i feel like saying i feel bad for your husband. This thing happening is a good thing .It will give him time to clear his head and think in the right way.Dont worry ,he will be okay once you and the baby are back.

And coming to my in laws,they are not letting it go and still doing it for each and everything. You know my husband was furious when i came back from india and showing anger telling I shudnt have come back and shud have stayed in india.This is the result of my in laws handiwork. There was never a smooth relationship with my husband becoz of his family' s history of abusing wives and my husband adapting it.And as a topping it was black magic done by my in laws.The only positive thing in this marriage is i am apart from my in laws and my husband although wont talk for me lets me give them back if they misbehave.Now its like i have my way. But it pains to say that its after legal help. We cud have had a good marriage without that. I guess i was not meant for that.Its good that no black magic is involved here.Ask from a person who has suffered from it for 10-15 yrs .
Dont worry about your in laws how long can they go. Sooner or later they or your husband will snap. Men are more mentally weak compared to women.they didnt buckle under so much relatives pressure means they are stronger in union.It will come down to near family like SIL or your husband revolting to this. Lets hope it happens soon.
Yes,I am a tamilian. But i have never lived in TN. Due to my father' s job we moved around a lot.But never came to Tamil Nadu.Hey i wudnt miss seeing Ajit if i stayed in Chennai.I am a huge fan of Ajith.Billa is a nice movie.
I am not that good in people' s pscychology. I am just able to determine this becoz of my cousins and sister in such situations.In such people we cannot expect change. Its like telling monkeys not to jump from tree to tree.Its in their blood.
Ever abuser has similar traits. but at the same time ,every abuser' s spouse has a different story to tell. To their abuser' s family it will be a smile bringing story of content. For the spouse usually wife and her family it will be a tearful story. thats another reason for in laws to rejoice.
I too wish we were nearby. But this board did provide me the relief and i hope it did to you too.the friends we have near maynot be too open to our problems. This is a better way to lighten out hearts.
You too take care of yourself and baby.
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2008-01-09
#17
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  thanks dddd
thanks dddd, your message makes me feel better. take care. I typed a bigger reply, somehow it is not getting posted.
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2008-01-08
#18
Name: Namita
Subject:  hi
i dnt understand that what is our fault in all this .... i really feel bad for whtever u both suffered, y do u have to suffer for this? is ur fault only this that u got married in their family?

i think its dddd' s SIL .. on the other side she is soo happy with her husband and her husband is also supporting her praising her all the time .. y???? y all this?

We all are God loving and God fearing people so we believe \" as u sow so shall u reap\" but what with this people? they are reaping good fruits for their life ... happy life is going on

then wht have u done to face all this evil things .... i dnt see any sufferings with IL' s
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2008-01-09
#19
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi Namita
This only makes us wonder whether we all take different births and these paap and punya carryover from one to the next. Othewise we can´ t justify. Anyway we can just think its our bad time, but it will end soon. Take care.
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2008-01-07
#20
Name: dddd
Subject:  Agree
Thanks for the response.Its very relieving seeing your replies.I may not be very helpful but yes,we can share our problems.
You know as much as I think we should not think like this,its really very good that now everybody from neighbours and relatives know about your in laws. They seem to be very stubborn and happy living in their own world.But they have to step out sometime.Maybe not today but the next day right.Its just how many people they can eliminate from their circle. It may be a distant relative today but tomorrow it will be your nearest relative. then what can they do.


You know when my husband was arrested,i myself didnt tell any or his friends or relatives. I told one of his friends wife as she has been very supportive. But my husband himself told everybody in his relatives. He just told as me and my wife had an argument thats all. But wont they all know if its escalated to cops there must be something wrong seriously.I didnt do anything and now everybody in my husband' s relatives know and even his BIL' s family.In a strange way i feel good about his close relatives knowing.

Do your in laws have Permanent residence or still on visit visa.Where there is evil there is no fear of God or anything.When the time comes forcefully without their will they will want you back.Given a choice no in laws want their sons to be married.My in laws are very aged,but still they they are into black magic so that my husband comes back and doesnt come up in life. their only aim is to keep him and me near them and give our reins to their daughter who can make my husband a loser with no ambition or attachment to wife. Given a choice they will want him to abuse me too.But now I am not scared as my husband is scared to do it again with legal fear.

In a strange twisted way in laws want us to suffer for no fault of ours. only fault being married to their sons.Such situations make us stronger.Dont worry its getting closer. How many people can they eliminate.Once when it comes to your BIL. They have to compromise.Oh cant expect apologies. My husband has still not apologised for what he did. But a small relief is his friends know about it and blasted my in laws.

Your FIL and rest of the in laws looks like are very manipulative. Even my in laws are but with me giving my husband constant pressure and staying apart makes it a failure.After all this if your FIL tries to point a finger on your conduct after going to india all their relatives will see right thru it.Yes,What you said is true. Truth always truimphs at the same time it also takes a lot of time.

In a way its blessing as your baby wont remember anything bad when all this will end positively.the moment with your MIL is really very cruel act from them.You know there is a saying that God even helps evil minded people in their bad schemes upto a point. After that he doesnt support them and thats the time their suffering starts.

So nice to hear about your baby.They always say mother is the first teacher. I think she is sensing a relaxed environment now and has crossed some milestones.What you said is true. Your baby is safe now.That must be so so comforting.
Dont worry,It should happen anytime soon.Your BIL will bring pressure on your in laws pretty soon,if not already started. When your SIL married life will get effected due to this,which eventually will due to difference of opinionb/n her and her husband,they will have no choice .They will have to surrender this round.

Meanwhile i think on a lighter note you can enjoy Ajit movie Billa.I did it on New years day and enjoyed it.
Take care.
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