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Womens Issues:update
2007-11-27
Name: Sumathi Dear Friends, I am here to share one happy news - i got the primary custody of my baby and my husband was awarded to pay child support to me. Now he is ready for mediation. It is an expensive battle. I am updating my experiences (bitter though!) just hoping that it would help somebody to know the legal complications of separation and custody situation in USA. Thanks for your prayers and support.
Hi DDDD have you returbed back from India?!
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2007-12-28
#1
Name: dddd
Subject:  Hi Sumathi,Pooja and Semi
Hi Pooja,When we have no support we look for support from where we get even a little .In my case it was my husband' s friends wife. I cant thank her enough for what she did to me. For you its your kids. If we start neglecting the abusers in our marriage we can find happiness.
Lets hope next yr brings lots of joy to us.
Hi Semi,Happy Journey and enjoy your holiday.
Happy new year to you too.
Hi Sumathi,My co sister is very cunning and has a sharp tongue.Its her rein there.If i visit she treats me as guest and lashes out when she can.
Its nice to know your husband doesnt want to divorce. Atleast some positive effort from him. Oh in laws can be both bad and good influence. Most of the time its bad influence. I have seen parents forcing their sons to divorce their wives.My only question to them is where does it end. You may find that you dont like your next dil its another divorce.One after another. There is never a good enough DIL for u. I thought men buckle under pressure sooner than us.Atleast my husband did. I should say he was alone and that did influence him a lot.Sumathi do you meet your husband often. If not do you talk to him on phone or thru e-mail. I used to do all of it except meet him.I dont know if it helped but he is not abusive.I feel you can try talking to him say on fone or e-mail.I was persistent so my husband responded. Maybe you can try it.
Sumathi ,Pooja and Semi , i would never even think of calling cops otherwise. Do you know that was the first time i was in court and talked to cops. Even here or in India. Its not something i will cherish ever but it did help me a lot.
We just need to define our space with anybody in any relationship.MILs sole aim is to say they dont like something about DILs. Dont they or husbands think even DIL can think she may not like something about MIL and husband and instigate fights.
Happy new year and lets fight for our rights.
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2007-12-27
#2
Name: Man
Subject:  Just a comment
Hi Sumathi,
I don' t know what your story was/is. But as the way you are communicating, you seems to be an egoistic person who is telling that she won the court case, she got the child as well as maintainenece allowance. I am not able to understand how you won the case and what you got by winning the case. If you guys were not having very good relationship at the beginning, how you gave birth to a child. One should always wait for a year or so b4 giving birth to a child and if child was born, why he/she should suffer your and your hubby' s mistake.
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2007-12-27
#3
Name: Pooja
Subject:  Hi Girls
Hello Girls

Venting out surely helps. For me walking out of marriage is certainly not an option. May be my opinion would be different after one year or so, who knows. May be after my kids grow up, they can help me in taking decision. I do not want them blaming me later for separating them from their dad. They are too young to see and analyze these things at this moment.

I think if I invlove cops or any third person, the damage would be irreversible. My MIL lives with me but I have stopped living like her slave now. I used to make her food before leaving for work and then make food for family after being back from work. She would sit watch TV and curse me whole day. She would curse me for anything, any thing means any thing. Its been 10 years now. Now I keep myself busy with kids when I am at home. My parents know all this and they say they would support whatever decision I take, but they have seen how tough the life is and I cannot go on alone on my own. If I leave my husband, my in laws would be glad to strip every single penny from my husband. Why should I give them that chance.
I think my job, my salary gives me that strength to keep going. Had I been a housewife, I would have died within a year of marriage.

I pray to God for a happy peaceful new year for all of us.
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2007-12-26
#4
Name: dddd
Subject:  Hi
Hi Sumathi,If our husbands feel they will have their way we need to find new ways to tackle them.If we are meek,they will be stronger. Once we become strong they have to back out.

Semi God will definitely help us ,i am not denying it . Maybe God helped me at the right time to take action against my husband. Only you need to make the choice. For my husband it was forced counselling ,but it had its effect.Although my in laws were harping about how expensive it was to take counselling like this and they cud have done it there. I guess qualified to counsel doesnt mean anything to them.As Sumathi mentioned calm down for sometime and think about what to do next. You know when i took legal help after my husband abused ,i just got out of home and started walking .Even after 1/2 hr i wasnt convinced to make the call. But in one moment of clarity i thot this has not changed and will not change if i dont do something about it. Then immediately i made the call.My husband was suprised when i came home and cops were there.He assumed as always i will bail him out. I didnt and i am happy for that.It just takes a moment to realize sometimes out of boat load of things you have gone thru. Sometimes that moment is enuf to change the course of your life to better.Try it it might help.

Sumathi what the counsellor said was true. We should be strong in front of husbands like ours.Gone are the days of being a docile wife. We will never know what we are capable of doing until we do it.
Sumathi,my co sister is not such a nice person to start with. She is from a very poor family who cudnt afford 2 meals per day with a big family.She is from a different caste than us. Me and my husband' s family are same caste.But being married to BIL she comments about a few people who look very dark as they are not from out caste . One during conversation she mentioned to me. She is also from not same right. My in laws are well off but very greedy .From my co sister not much as she is very poor.So the greed is from me and and my SIL. So when my parents purchase some real estate immediately my in laws ask the details and sometimes go over the line and ask its for whom.
Last time when i went to india in a function in my SIL' s house my co sister in front of all my husband' s cousins started screaming at me that i am just a guest in the house and not the DIL of the house. Now she talks about class and buying clothes branded and not buying cheap ones.Sometimes she is harsh to me so i maintain a distance.
My SIL and her are more into each other.My SIL is like a sweet dagger. She gets her way talking sweet. Nobody can imagine she has so much hatred in her.My husband himself told the day he saw me if his sister were to be there we wudnt be married.My husband doesnt say his sister' s kids are like his.But is not so much interested in having one. Although i have convinced him.my in laws maybe happy but my SIL will be devastated. I like that fact. She has created so much trouble b/n me and my husband.
Its nice that your husband was happy when you were pregnant and had a baby. You know abusers sometimes are not bad people.For my husband his parents keep telling him you were under stress hence abusive and not your fault.telling this husbands dont realize . Thanks that i didnt let him go to india. Then it wud be worse. In that way they never let him change. Thank God he finished his therapy otherwise it wudnt have changed even now.
Your husband also i feel is under lot of pressure from your in laws and SIL. that he is right and you were at fault.In that way he is not able to realize.give him some time he will come around.I feel in the next court date you shud have court ask him not to be in contact with his family till he finishes counselling. He wil be forced to think straight and it will do a lot of good.
Take care.
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2007-12-27
#5
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi dddd, semi and pooja
Hi dddd, so your co-sister also joined with the rest. Thats sad. Yes my husband is under lot of tension. He is definitely not happy in filing divorce with me. His parents are forcing him for that and i am firm on reconiliation. It is a tug of war. Hope God will give him strength to withstand this and to make the right decision now atleast. I am praying to God for him to realize the mistakes he did last year and come back to me.
Hi Semi have a safe trip to india.
Pooja, even in my case if i had called the cops my marriage would have ended long back - same as yours. In dddd´ s case it has helped her. It has made the situation better.
Every situation is different. We can learn to be firm from each other. The way may be different. Sure, the children need father. Some marriages survive solely because of this reason. But if the fathers don´ t show any compassion to the wife or children that affects them stongly. Withstanding mil´ s comments is applaudable, so long as the husband don´ t join with mil and trouble us and our children forever.
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2007-12-27
#6
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi dddd, Sumathi and pooja
HI guys
I am going india for 3 week. will stay in touch once I am back. I will then post my email id to add you guys in IM.
Happy new year
semi.
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2007-12-25
#7
Name: dddd
Subject:  Sumathi and Semi
Hi Sumathi,In this day and age if we tell anybody we are in and and were in a abusive marriage,half the people will blame us for tolerating and half the people will be glad we had it.Oh before 2 yrs ,i used to get spells of dizziness and it continued for months together. I lost my health becoz of this abuse. I have never complained of a head ache too when i was with my parents.Here i saw it all.
As far as my in laws they are the biggest introverts in the world. They talk about socializing but guard their family matters like a hawk.I love to make friends and chat with them regularly. Imagine my suprise within 6 months of marriage my husband told me how much you talk. Even on weekends he hardly chats or shows interest to have dinner or see a movie. I love to do those things. Anything i plan is an ordeal . It takes days of convincing and pleading.Nowadays i just tell him that i would like to do this if you want u can join me or drop me.Now he realizes and does join me but half heartedly.I dont give it attention and enjoy myself in these short outings.
So in that way my in laws,husband and me are miles apart.There may be very few couples who have something common.
My SIL is another story in itself. I must have mentioned a lot of times that her mil goes around the world telling how her dil doesnt care for her and she has to slog.My SIL thinks just becoz she can lord over everyman in her house she can even lord over DILs. I dont give her any chance.She does it over with my co sister. For my co sister and her background she cudnt even dream of getting married. But she is and my SIL bosses over her and my co sister lets her.Now only person she cant do is me and she cant wait for us to get back or call her here so that she can start her rein here. Last year she tried in all possible ways to separate both my husband and me.When i cudnt take it anymore ,i snubbed her indirectly from then on she hasnt tried again.I am all for maintaining good relations ,i honestly tried too. But once when my husband told her jokingly that my wife slapped me. Although i didnt do it,i heard her tell him not to be meek but hit me back.My in laws relatives hardly entertain her as they know she is trouble.If i had known before i wud have been happy now. I guess i was meant to suffer so all this.
Do not try to please anybody in laws. The saying -We cant please everybody at all times - is very true with in laws.
Take care Wish you and your baby Happy New year and lots of joy from now on.

Hi Semi,
Even my husband never told he didnt want to have kids before marriage. After seeing so many girls and nobody working out,he was glad to get married and felt its not important. I wudnt have agreed to it too. But now i am able to convince him that we should go ahead with having one. My in laws will be devastated but i dont care for it .My husband keeps telling me you only think about yourself. I keep telling him of course i do when i thot about our marriage and our welfare i was abused,now i think of myself and i am happy about it.
I should say my husband is a bit different . He did let me meet his friends and keep in contact with mine.He even let me visit India after 3 yrs.Abuse yes i too gave lots of excuses like no job,money ,visa,GC. But instead of him giving excuses ,I was giving excuses for his abuse.Once i didnt see an end to it i had to take legal help.
Do not apologize for something u havent done. It gives an abuser more leverage.He will feel he is not at fault at all. Try to be a little confident. I know its easier to say then do. Start small visit malls and libraries and make some friends. If possible try to get a job. Its less money concern and more confidence. Once u dont ask for your husbands acceptance in everything u do ,he will know his fault.
Regards and Happy New Year.
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2007-12-26
#8
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi dddd, Sumathi
Hi dddd
Though i never went for any cousuling but I got to read this book from one of my frined who does counserling part time as a hobby. As I said this book was eye opener to me. I had given up on my life buz of my abusive husband in lasat 10 yr. I don´ t remember any holi, diwali, b´ day or anniversay celebration or even a verbal greet from him. Now I also go alone at my friends party or lunch with friends. But if I do all this without his approval - he becomes more abusive and starts showing me his anger (24 hr.x 7 days a week), tamper tanturams more. I used to get sweat and fast heart beat all the time and weakness due to his abusive behavior and torture. I also lost my health with all this abuse and mental tension at home all the time. Once I visited to dr due to my heart problem and she told me that i got all this problem since I am under tramendeous fear and anxity and my body´ s chamicals are creating all this problem. she told me that you need to change your lifestyle or you may get heart attach even at this early age.? (she had no clue about my real problem or else she would have called cop her self) That time I got really scared and thought of changing this all slowly. I do work as I mentioned to you that He left his job 6 yr. back to abuse me more and on advice of my MIL since they wanted to see us leaving usa asap. MY MIL wanted me to use as a maid and was abusive too and was angery from day 1 since her plan failed when i came to USA. Wishing you too and pooja a veyr happy new year. I will creat a new email id and send u so that i can add you in my messanger for a frequent chat.
take care
semi
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2007-12-26
#9
Name: semi
Subject:  Thanks a lot dddd
Hi dddd
Thansk a lot for encouraging words and strenght you have provided me. I do agree with you that part of the problem was with me, where i was taking his abuse all the time and was in return apologizing him all the time to make him happy and treat me well. He started taking advantage of my imotional insecurity and extra ordinary nice and soft nature. His reasons to treat me bad and abuse me all the time is endless and technically speaking has got no meaning. He might get angry that why I spoke to my mother, or why I called my relative to wish a b´ day, or why do load dish washer the way he wants, or why I wore half sleeves shirt etc..I can add million nonsense reason to this list. He is basically a pot with no base so no matter how much I comporomise or give on my self. He is never going to be satisfied or happy. He does not take me out for any outing or movie or any friend´ s place. Now I have started doing all by myself . I consider this life as he does not exist. It is so hard but i have done every thing to chage him and he is not imporving. I have used my extreme patience, compromised to his endless needs, given up on my family, my life, activity what i used to enjoy but nothing effect him. My frieds used to tell me to call cop whenever he does physically or mental abuse to me. But i guess I was not strong enough to take this decision. I had gone to dr. with swellon face and broken arm but did not have courage to tell the truth. I have changed my self a lot by not taking his threats any more and ingnoring his anger. He used Money, his job, sex, home, baby every single possible thing as weapon against me to bring me down on my knee in front of his abuse. Please stay in touch. I feel lot better after talking to you.
semi
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2007-12-25
#10
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  Hi semi and dddd
Hi semi, instead of worrying about what you haven´ t done for the last 10 years think what you can do now. If it is 10 years i really can´ t imagine how much you would have gone through. It is also difficult to discuss everything here now. So take a paper, write down your emotions and then what you want to do. It is never too late. Even people who are happily married may take 10 years or more to have their first child. Nothing is impossible. Try to sort out one problem after another.

In the court ordered class i said my husband needs counselling as he is abusive but he is not interested in comeing for one. In such a situation how can my life become better. For that the teacher answered, the counsellor would teach me how i can become stronger to tackle him. So get some help from experts. Be confident. Like how good times end, even bad times will end soon. Life is just a cycle of events. I wish this new year brings a lot of joy to you.

Hi dddd, again how similar our stories are! Only diffence is i don´ t have a co-sister. I thought if i had a co-sister things could have been a bit better for me. After listening to your story i am clarfied of another point - Abusers will always be abusers. I feel sorry for your co-sister. I am glad that you didn´ t follow her path. Even my husband said he didn´ t want to have a baby and we could treat my sil´ s baby as my baby. I was irriated by his comments but still convinced him for having one after he gets a better job. Once i became pregnant he was really happy about it and supported me till the birth of my child.
Thanks for your encouraging words.
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2007-12-23
#11
Name: dddd
Subject:  Hello
Hi Sumathi,What you said is very true. Compared to Semi and Pooja ,we have endured less. Not that we had a happy marriage.What you suggested is a good remedy to the present situation. Counselling might help Pooja a lot,including Semi.
Coming to me ,I dont want to punish myself to having no kids becoz my husband and in laws have no interest in that. In fact my husband categorically mentioned ,i have no interest in having kids.He never told that before marriage. If he had ,i wouldnt have agreed. Even people who are married for 10 -15 yrs with no kids still hope for one. I dont want to deny myself a kid because my in laws and husband dont feel like.The kid will be a relief and a blessing in such stress. My attention will be diverted towards the kid and maybe i will be better off mentally too.
Situation makes us stronger. If it doesnt kill us it only makes us stronger. This saying is very true in any life changing decisions. Soon it will be been there done that. We will only know we can do this when we are in such situation. You know for the first court date i was very scared but at the same time i remembered God and was confident of what i wanted to say in the court. My lawyer told me for 1st time u did very well in court. I hope nobody faces same situation but if they do they should never project weakness and regret later. My husband constantly was telling the Judge in court oh she is my wife,i want to live with her ,i love her all those sentimental things. For outside world its so believable. I cud see right thru it. My lawyer also told me why did u opt to stay separate for few days .It looks like your husband has realized. SO i told her i need some time to think straight.
Sumathi this time when i went to India just for a week to attend my siblings wedding,everybody from my side,my mom and my mom' s friends mentioned next time i should meet them with my kid. There may not be one person who didnt tell the same from my side.But my in laws nobody mentioned about a kid. My in laws i dont know but my SIL will be devastated if i have a kid. She is still hoping that this marriage breaks and she can run her brother' s life.For consoling my hubby she says oh we are your family we love you and want to save your marriage.
Sumathi ,what your in laws did was really sad and makes any body angry. I dont know how u maintained your calm.If in your family your in laws tell take care of SIL and niece,my in laws and husband without telling do it. even before we were engaged my sil when my parents went to my husband' s told my dad in an angry tone not to talk to my husband but talk to her father.That was the time i decided i will never let her step into my house here.Till my husband left india she was constantly near him. I left after a week. Given a choice she wud have joined me.My in laws and husband know only to kiss her feet.if she says its dark during day time my husband will tell the same including inlaws.
What your husband did afer the baby was born is really saddening. You know it doesnt take long for table to turn.Maybe your SIL' s daughter will undergo the same.everybody has to pay here only for their good and bad. MY FIL on fone screamed at me taht i sent their son to jail and i should have calmly discussed after he finished abusing me. SO i told him,tell your daughter to do the same after your sil has abused her then you can preach. I was so angry. I only wish her daughter goes thru same as i did.it may sound evil to everybody here on the board but she can preach to her brother that i am immature and should have handled it in a better way.after 4 yrs of abuse ,if i see no hope of reform i take action and she still has the nerve to call me immature. isnt it height of immaturity on her part.
Sumathi we all remember the painful instances in the marriage almost constantly everyday.Dont worry and bond with your baby without any stress. The only thing you need to keep in mind you have taken a positive step for your baby' s good So everything is fine. Rest will follow if it hasnt.your husband will come around sooner or later. he will probably see your in laws true colors very soon. Let me tell you can your MIL or SIL or FIL replace you and the baby. Nobody can do it.Also your husband paying child support will feel the pinch sooner or later.
Remarriage is not the only reason we chose to separate if we do. It may be the outcome but with it in mind we will definitely not leave this marriage.THere is a different reason to leave than remarriage.
Lets all stick together and give some reassurance and strength to each other. maybe it will bring positive effect in our lives.
take care
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2007-12-24
#12
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi dddd, Sumathi
My husband never even told me befor marriage that he does not want to have a baby. I had no clue about his bipolar disorder and abusive stuff. otherwise I would not have married him. and I guess anyone would have done the same thing at my place. This horrible story all started when i came to USA with all dreams and hopes of wonderful life with him. As I said I was completely cut off from rest of the world for first 5 yr. I had no family and frineds here and he did not introduce me to anyof his limited friends. He also stated having some inferiority complex with my look and my family backgroud. Though this was never a issue to me. I could not go india first 6 yr. and my parents did not understand that I am married to a abusive person. This was a arrange/tradational marriage. Every one thought that he is having this fits of anger and tamper tanturms due to visa, gc, job pressure and what not. Once I came here. he told me that he does not want to have baby with me and was not being supportive at all on this fornt either. I used to cry, plead, compromise to my end, apologize all the time to make him happy on virtually nothing but he used to evil, davil person with me. I also thought that situation will improve with GC, or my having baby or my job..I lost almost 10 yr. with this false hope and at the end I am just a looser. I don´ t mean to Brag myself but I was a very deserving girl , the time my parents were looking for a boy for me. They did not know that what the future hold for their most darling child. I have no word to even add that how much my parents has suffered due to all my problem.
semi..
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2007-12-23
#13
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  thank you dddd
Hi dddd, it looks like we are just images of each other living in two different places. Your post reflected whatever i am feeling inside. They say abuses need not be just physical, but also emotional or finacial or verbal. My lawyer in India was telling me, that my attitude and my in-laws attitude are diagonally opposite. All these years i was trying to squeeze me to fit into their family, thinking that is what a dil should do. This can´ t go on when the other party is excessively abusive. As you said it will either kill me or will make me stubborn. I am happy that we both are alive and are becoming stronger.
Your sil´ s comment - she should listen what others are telling about her. My sil and mil were also passing comments to me from the beginning that i don´ t know how to run a family and they are experts. They also were constantly critisizing their relatives. This time when i went to india, i met their relatives and enquired about mil and sil. Everybody were scolding them from their own personal experiences. They said if you had asked us before your marriage we would have told you the same and you could have escaped. This made me really angry at me. Because i was trying to please two ladies who themselves don´ t have any good names from their own relatives.

I attended some court ordered courses for parenting and dispute resolution. There the lady was telling us that " if somebody critisizes you which you find not fitting to you, then most probably the comment would be about them" . For eg. If somebody says you haven´ t worked enough to save the marriage, that means they feel they have not worked enough. She said some people have this disorder of projecting their inability on others.
After this class i sat and recollected all the comments about my mil and sil about their relatives and me - strikingly everytime they were telling about themselves! I am glad that i visited india and talked to their relatives. Now i know their true colors and i am reassured about my decision. Otherwise i would have been haunted by guilt that i am doing something wrong.
It is because of our brought up. We are always taught about tolerance. If the effect of tolerance is going to be negative, it is better to put our feet down.
Take care dddd, and i wish you a very happy new year. Hope this new year brings you what you want.
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2007-12-22
#14
Name: semi
Subject:  HI all
HI sumathi, pooja, and dddd
I fully understand sumathi and dddd and wht you mean by having a kid even in a abusive relationship. that was the only reason why I continued my marriage for 12 yr., though he has severely abused and tortured me psychologically and physically. I badly wanted to be a mother and he knew this and used this as a weapon to abuse me and yet not giving me what i wanted. That is why I even feel more depressed that I lost all hope and happyness in my life buz of this evil person.
take care.
semi
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2007-12-22
#15
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi semi, pooja and dddd
Hi Semi and Pooja, after going through your posts i really my problem is nothing. How did you bear this for such a long time? What are your family members telling about this? They should help you now. Pooja especially with a special kid living with an abusive husband is harder. I don´ t say you should divorce him immediately. Atleast you should try some counselling for him, you should get some help. Have you ever told your family about your in-laws? First you should deifinitely get some help.

I am not telling that fertility will not decrease after 30, there won´ t be any problem in having a baby, etc, etc. No false hopes. When you have two evils you should choose the better of them. Women like us have been deprived of a happy married life :( Why can´ t we enjoy atleast the motherhood? We wanted to have a family and thats why we got married. We don´ t have a kind husband, that shouldn´ t prevent us from having a nice home. Motherhood is the also a natural craving of a woman.

In my case i was confident of raising the kid as a single parent. I think dddd also has a clear idea of the consequences of separation and single parenting. She is confident so there is nothing wrong in going for it.

dddd, even my mil and sil didn´ t want me to have a kid. They were so sure that i won´ t have a kid since i crossed 30. They were abusing me very much with this issue. By God´ t grace without any trouble i got my gift, my baby. As soon as my baby was born, my sil and mil were worried that my husband won´ t take care of my sil´ s niece. Everyday they used to talk for atleast 1 hour with my husband. My mil was telling my husband within 2 days of my child´ s birth that he shouldn´ t leave his sister and her daughter. My husband was telling his mom that his sister´ s daughter is his first kid. See how pathetic these people are! That is how they will be. Instead of relishing the birth of a new born they were so worried and causing so many problems that my husband hit me after 10 days of my delivery. To the outside world my mil was posing that she was worried that i won´ t have a kid. After i became pregnant she didn´ t want me to tell anyone. She said it will cause evil eye. But she was doing pooja at her home that i should become pregnant, when i was already in my 3rd month!

Even now many people are telling me that if i hadn´ t have the baby i could have got remarried very easily. First of all i should have some interest for that. I am happy as it is now. There are good and bad effects for every decision. We only should know what we want, what we can handle and which one we can let go.

I will pray for all of us.

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2007-12-22
#16
Name: dddd
Subject:  Heart felt
Thanks for you post Semi and Pooja.Pooja ,my heart goes out to you. I guess you need to come out of the situation as soon as you can. It looks like its taken its toll on you. Right now my husband is not abusive. Only an occasional put down here and there.Of course now i dont let him bring me down.My confidence is my husband and in laws biggest insecurity.Where do you live. If in India isnt there 498a now. Please think about it. It will be a great relief for you. Wrong doers need to be punished.It may not remove all the pain but will bring some relief.
I am only thinking of going into this with thinking thru and only because i can work.
Take good care of yourself and your kid.
Semi are you in india.So many people file for false DVs and get away with it. Why dont you think about it.It just takes one step to make them realize our pain.My husband will not use the kid as a weapon as he doesnt have any feeling about kids.
Take care and do think of what to do next.If you read in earlier posts there are some people who took a step to end it and glad they did.
Take care
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2007-12-22
#17
Name: dddd
Subject:  Wish you the same
Hi sumathi,
Thanks for the response. Although it will be my husband and my kid i will think of it as my kid only as its for my comfort i want it. He doesn need a baby. In fact nobody from my in laws insist we go ahead with being parents. I guess this is a modern liberated family.
As far as legal custody is concerned,my in laws will be least bothered about it as they will not be getting the wealth from my side. Its a loss which they will be worried more. They wont care for the baby. Even after separation they will be not be concerned their son will be alone ,but concerned with how much wealth he lost becoz of separating from me.
I will be able to manage with my family' s help.Its not an impossible thing.
Semi ,I am not looking to save my marriage with the baby.If there is a ray of hope i would have maybe done it. If i keep up with it,its just to keep with everybodys wishes. I am ready to separate if need arises.
I will surely try to find the book and read.
Thanks Sumathi and Semi for an encouraging post.
Take care and hope next year brings lots of joy to us.
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2007-12-21
#18
Name: dddd
Subject:  hi
Hi Sumathi,Pooja and Semi. Semi i will surely try to find that book.Pooja as much as we hope nobody undergoes the same as we are undergoing we always find somebody who is in same situation.
Sumathi my mom was married when she was 18 and by 27 she had all of my siblings and me. My sister married when she was 21 and had her kids before she turned 26.My in laws dont care whether we have kids or not. The pressure is from my family. My mom is scared about the health of the baby if i keep postponing it. and anyways i am ready to look after the kid even if i divorce my husband.Right now i dont want to stress my family with saying no to it. Now if i have a kid as they want and later i can always ask them to separate from mhy husband. As much as i want to say i want to postpone it ,i really dont feel like doing it. I do want to forget my worries seeing my kid. Maybe the situation has improved and my husband is making an effort. Now i dont feel any attachment of any kind. I have decided to enroll for my masters part time and work full time and and think about a baby.Let see how it goes the next year.
Happy New year to Sumathiand the baby,Pooja and Semi.
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2007-12-22
#19
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  Happy new year
Hi pooja and semi, thanks. Hi dddd, i also felt i needed a baby and thats why i went about having one. Now my baby really makes me happier, because of her only i am still alive. So there is nothing wrong in wanting to have a baby.

If any breakup happens after the child birth, in addition to financial and physical burdens, there is also this legal issue of custody.
But it doesn´ t look impossible to manage. Just make sure you will get your mom to help you to take care of the baby when you are studying and working. I wish you all the very best and good health.
I wish you all a very happy new year.
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2007-12-22
#20
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi dddd
Hi dddd.
Though I did not know your all your story since I just found this forum recently when browsing for something else. But I do agree with pooja. Please don´ t plan for a baby just to save your marriage and with the false hope that this will make your hubby turn his behavior up side down or make him a better person. I would tell you to do a clean start if situation does not improve and then have a baby . I have seen few of my friends suffering so much even after having their babies with abusive husbands and realizing that it was a mistake. IN my case my story was something else where my husband did not allow me to conceive when I was more fertile to abuse me further. Please do order this book and read. This is a must read book.
Take care.
semi
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