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You are here: Home > Message Boards > Love >  Extra-marital Affairs >Extra marital affair
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  Extra-marital Affairs: Extra marital affair
Name: Arun Bhatnagar
Date: 2013-06-25
This is regarding my wife , who is quiet sext age of 4o.

Her behaviors , since marriage was rude towards me and my children , from Dec-2012 onward , I have seen her highly inflated mobile bills of Rs 4000 to Rs 5000, which were never paid by me.

she kept her mobile in her safe custody and messaging to some one starts in morning , how ever I have manage to copy few numbers on calling back it was all males on being asking , she replied that all numbers are of Gyatri pariwar , which i doubt.

Messaging quality is erotic , which she replies even the messages received at odd hours and replied soon by my wife and delete from her mobile

confrontation releting to this has been increasing , i could not understand what should I do is she have any extra marital relation ship.

I have try to avoid keeping in view the carrer of m kids who are studing in career oriented classes .

Inspite of asking the name of persons , she decline of sending any messeges of erotic nature and blame me for having doubt on her

Kindly advice , what is to be done

Regards

Arun Bhatnagar


Name: SAMIR
Subject:  Update
Date: 2013-07-01
Do keep updating the final outcome. It may help others about the dangers of EMA.
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Name: Varun
Subject:  plan to get rid...
Date: 2013-06-28
Unfortunately Arun I am not a lawyer, hence I will not be able to chalk out a plan that may be required. However a qualified lawyer who specializes in D cases should be able to help. But before talking to a lawyer you need to discuss withing your social support group and extended family. May be after speaking among family sources, get idea as to how to broach the topic with your son. I do understand that your wife is smart, quite likely far smarter than you. Though the D may affect your children' s studies temporarily, you must not delay because otherwise the marriage will affect their life. When you speak to your family and friends please refer to the discussions that you have had with me. Please understand nothing is shame to you anymore than living with a wayward wife who has multiple partners outside marriage. I asked you about your relationship with your children, you have not mentioned a word about it! Will they side you against their mother? You need them, their support in court. You need evidence from your mother. Your support system may be able to introduce you to a lawyer who would be able to help you out build the solid case. I wont be. There are specialized detective agencies who specialize in cheating cases. There are risks, but you have to take some of these risks in a calculated manner because without taking those risks you are loosing the game to your wife anyway!

I am glad that you are convinced that you need to get out of this marriage. Now go discuss within your family without loosing any further time. Take this to be your full time work till the case is built up and you have garnered the support you require. Prepare a time target for yourself. By what time you would discuss with family and friends, when with son, then when talk to lawyer etc. I do understand that your son is a genius. I did not mean anything bad about your children, but I needed to paint that horror story to convince you to a D. Best wishes.
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Name: Arun
Subject:  repport
Date: 2013-06-29
Fortunately my children is very much open to me and ready to give side to me .

My support system is uiet OK , but as my prvious email w have to gather solid evidence to make our case case stronger in court .

My wife got lareted very much after our discussion held
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Varun
Subject:  Alarming situation, enough is enough!
Date: 2013-06-28
Arun,

I am shocked and surprised at the revelations of your wife' s behavior. I have a feeling that by her life style and behavior within and outside the family, she has already rendered your family into a dysfunctional one. Interests, psychological growth and future of your children are being adversely affected everyday. If not your daughter, your son definitely understands what is going on in the family. He/they may even have a few clues to the wayward behavior of your wife. In your next post please describe your relationship with your children, do they share an emotional bond with you or are they just growing up on their own, the parents being only providers? Do you for example know if your son has girl friends?

Now I must address your concern of your children' s interests and the secrets of your wife: I must tell you that they are in absolute risk as of now because their sense of morality cannot develop under the present situation, they may even be blaming you for not taking action on your wife for her \" morally wrong\" behavior. You need to give a scope and opportunity to your children to live in a ' normal' household where rights and wrongs are well defined. What if your son brings a girl friend home and does what he ' knows' his mother may be doing in a nondescript flat in Gurgaon? Forgive me for painting this horror story. What if, your daughter also knows what all father and brother knows about the mother?

Now why is your wife able to do all these? Because you have chosen to keep things secret thereby saving her prestige at home. She is enjoying a superior position of a ' parent' at home thereby she is able to abuse not just you and your mother but also your children. Its like a bad boss in an office on whom administration has not taken action for a long time for being bad! So the boss continues and turns worse. Thereby the moral of the subordinates too suffer, in the process the office becomes bad in the eyes of the clients/suppliers all stakeholders.

Your wife is happily enjoying the shield of being a married woman with children who study and perform fantastically. Enjoying good reputation among her clients and also using her so called profession as yet another shield to do all her manmani and bunga-bunga parties may be! All these because YOU are shielding her. You need to STOP doing that, you need to EXPOSE her. I can hardly suggest how but I will share with you what I would do, I were in your position.

But before that I need to understand your ' social support system' . Do you have siblings? Brother, sister and their families with whom you can discuss this without the risk of they abandoning you and your children? Or good long time family friends with whom you can open up? I would find one and discuss, in your situation. If I were in your shoes, I would also slowly but surely discuss with my son about what he knows and thinks. Next I would find and consult a lawyer about the situation and seek advise as to how laws of the land can help me. I may even consider employing a private detective to find answers to all that ' I do not know' but I have suspicions about. You now need a multi-prong-attack to save yourself and your children from this chuRail at home. You need your children with you, and all the extended family with you as you take help from law armed with evidence gathered by paid agencies.

This MARRIAGE is a NOOSE to you and your children. You need to attack in self defense. I welcome your reaction, even if you reject what I am saying I would welcome that. Write in details what all is going on in your mind.
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Name: Arun
Subject:  Reply
Date: 2013-06-28
Detail action Plan with fool proof evidences , needed to expose her and to start proceeding divorce , but i know it is also herculean task.

She also very smart and leave nothing to destroy the evidence .

We have to prove the infadility and presence of multiple sex partners of my wife .

Pls chalk action plan and suggest the reliable detective name , if any , some time they also blackmail the client , i do not want to do that
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Arun
Subject:  Reply
Date: 2013-06-28
Dear Varun ,

Thanks for reply , My sons concentrate on study , he is genius in his studies since begning , i have not heard any complaint about my son and daughter.

Now my question is could u pls jott down the action Plan to get Rid of her , because for filing divorce case u need to prove every thing ? .

Presently ,I am enjoying good social support system among my relatives, yesterday , i was out for office work got to know from unconfirmed sources that she had intercourse with one of her boy friend , in a guest house in Gurgaon I have mentioned in my earlier emails, as she was sure that I would return day after tomorrow

Pls suggest , how shall, I prepare Solid case against her

Appreciate yr quick replies

Regards

Arun

Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Arun
Subject:  Reply
Date: 2013-06-28
Dear Varun ,

Thanks for reply , My sons concentrate on study , he is genius in his studies since begning , i have not heard any complaint about my son and daughter.

Now my question is could u pls jott down the action Plan to get Rid of her , because for filing divorce case u need to prove every thing ? .

Presently ,I am enjoying good social support system among my relatives, yesterday , i was out for office work got to know from unconfirmed sources that she had intercourse with one of her boy friend , in a guest house in Gurgaon I have mentioned in my earlier emails, as she was sure that I would return day after tomorrow

Pls suggest , how shall, I prepare Solid case against her

Appreciate yr quick replies

Regards

Arun

Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Varun
Subject:  Mother´ s suggestion...
Date: 2013-06-27
Dear Arun,

Though I am very much in favour of solving the present situation and continuing to be in the marriage particularly from the point of view of children, but I do think the situation deserves a Divorce threat. Please remember several courts in the country considers refusal to sex by the wife as a cruelty in addition there are these affair situation, and that she also is partially employed(financially independent) reduces your financial responsibility in a post D scenario.

Your mother' s suggestion about her affair has to be taken seriously because women are far more perceptible than men on these aspects. How long back did she warn you of your wife' s A? Moreover the changing lingerie style definitely smacks of even a physical relationship in those liaison. But two of them together? This is one aspect which confuses at least some of my calculations! Please try to throw some light on this aspect. Does she have contact with these two at the same time or these two are time separated?

Tell me a bit more about relationship that she shares with your children? Are they very close, very friendly? Do they share their secrets with her or are they closer to you? Do either you or your wife involve in their studies?

With her freelancing how much time does she spend outside home? Is that time commensurate with her earning? Or is she using that as an excuse and having a gala time with her APs(Affair Partners)?

I do think the situation is very serious and you need to adopt tougher postures. Do you feel confident of confronting her with a reasonably hard line?
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Name: Arun Bhatnagar
Subject:  Mother sugesstion
Date: 2013-06-27
Mother has raised serious doubt over her behavior and action in 2009, when she comes to Gwalior for short stay .

Even she indicating many instances of wrong physical gesture by my landlord, in my absences , and also raised serious concern about the conversation she heard on phone while my wife talking to landlord .
when I asked about this she clearly refuse and allege my mother for creating misunderstanding between us.

since then ,My mother snap all ties with my wife and not accepting any gifts from her on any festivals and also stops visiting my house
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Arun Bhatnagar
Subject:  reply
Date: 2013-06-27
1. she has not good harmonious relation either with me or with my children , my elder son stop talking to her , Myself also very limited , my daughter reducing interaction with her as she is very rude to her .

2. She is in contact with 2 or may be many more . she says it just phone a friend , but I guess there will be more then 2 , these two person she declare , rest are still in dark , I do not know the exact number with whome she is in intract.

3. I do not know whether she intracts with them same time or different time .

4. My children do not share secret with her , as I explained that she is not maintain any harmonious relation as mentioned in point no 1.

5. she spends at lest 3 to 5 hrs outside home , in freelancing, Income generation is not directly proportional to the time spend , its all depends about the design or fashion in question

6. She commutes through her own car some time with driver sometime not.

Might be possible that she enjoys Threesome sex as both of these men are living in New Delhi and one person has flat which might be most convenient to have sex with confidentially
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Varun
Subject:  some more questions...
Date: 2013-06-27
How does she travel? By public transport or she has a car/two wheeler for independent travel? Do any of the family members have knowledge of when she goes out and when back? I asked you to confirm, if your/her parents live with you? Do you have more than one maids to help in household activities? Please do answer these questions for further thoughts to tackle the situation.
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Varun
Subject:  who they are...
Date: 2013-06-27
Sorry for those double post!

Just one point before you go onto demand NC, please find out from her as much as possible about these two guys, do not decline to meet them but at the same time do not meet them either. Point is, they are not important to your life/family. Its your wife who is important. That she has offered to introduce you to them, she should not have any problem even sharing their contact with you. But NEVER contact them as such. That will almost become licence to her continuing phone friendship with them.
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Name: Varun
Subject:  Demand time...
Date: 2013-06-27
Dear Arun,

It will really be a very happy situation if they are just phone friend and no emotional attachments. However this has caused so much stress and strain in your family and your relationship with her. But looking at the extent of the smss it looks they are satisfying some need of hers. You may demand now to know what those needs of hers are and you should propose and also strive to satisfy those needs of hers yourself. Talk about rebuilding your relationship, like it used to be more than a decade and a half back maybe. Also tell her that there is a need for regular sex from the point of view of maintaining the relationship.

At the first level though what you have to demand is NO CONTACT with these two men. It appears she can manage a day without sms or phone with these guys. Tell her that if there are no emotional attachment and the contact with them causes so much distance/problem at home, she should be able to be without contact with them. This is a primary DEMAND and if she cares for family/children/marriage/relationship she must do this NOW and no later.

Please understand this ' NO CONTACT' is not done slowly or over time etc. This has to be a guillotine action. She may at best have the choice of keeping them informed before going NC but nothing more. Also at the same time demand complete transparency about phone contacts both sms and calls. Not that you would be checking everyday but you must have the FREEDOM to use her phone when you feel like.

Please try the above and we will continue to discuss. Please consider the situation to be \" she is in trouble\" and she needs to be helped out of the situation. But to help her, you need her cooperation.

Best wishes.
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Name: Arun
Subject:  reply-1
Date: 2013-06-27
When ever I tried to send Erotic SMS to her she become angry and tols me she do not like cheap SMS , But on the other hand she agrees to receive such type of SMS from those guys .

yesterday , I hacked her pace book account and that filled with prono clips showing threesome with erotic replies by wife

She is telling a lie and cheating me , which i feel
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Arun
Subject:  reply
Date: 2013-06-27
Thanks Varun for autosuggestion , I am not satisfied with her reply , how can she negate the text of SMS which is so erotic,

Still keeping her phone in safe custody, how style of undergarments changes frequently, latest fashion of bras and pant which is costly in nature .

She always recucent to have sex with me since Marriage without being open for answer or discussion .

Her Rude behaviour towards our family has also pointed out by my father and Mother and my mother has also give hints to me regarding her extra marital affair , but I always ignore , keeping in view SAAS Bahu Jealous, She told me may times that yr wife is Gaalat aurat hai, hamse selection me galti ho gai.she is thankless women.
I have to do into deep where she is in physical intimacy with these two guys One of them living alone with Flat in the area adjoining to Gurgaon
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Varun
Subject:  Demand time...
Date: 2013-06-27
Dear Arun,

It will really be a very happy situation if they are just phone friend and no emotional attachments. However this has caused so much stress and strain in your family and your relationship with her. But looking at the extent of the smss it looks they are satisfying some need of hers. You may demand now to know what those needs of hers are and you should propose and also strive to satisfy those needs of hers yourself. Talk about rebuilding your relationship, like it used to be more than a decade and a half back maybe. Also tell her that there is a need for regular sex from the point of view of maintaining the relationship.

At the first level though what you have to demand is NO CONTACT with these two men. It appears she can manage a day without sms or phone with these guys. Tell her that if there are no emotional attachment and the contact with them causes so much distance/problem at home, she should be able to be without contact with them. This is a primary DEMAND and if she cares for family/children/marriage/relationship she must do this NOW and no later.

Please understand this ' NO CONTACT' is not done slowly or over time etc. This has to be a guillotine action. She may at best have the choice of keeping them informed before going NC but nothing more. Also at the same time demand complete transparency about phone contacts both sms and calls. Not that you would be checking everyday but you must have the FREEDOM to use her phone when you feel like.

Please try the above and we will continue to discuss. Please consider the situation to be \" she is in trouble\" and she needs to be helped out of the situation. But to help her, you need her cooperation.

Best wishes.
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Name: Varun
Subject:  Insist on the talk...
Date: 2013-06-26
Dear Arun,

I am very glad to know that your son is studying for medicine. Hope your daughter too does very well in the coming years.

I had assumed a few things so far, kindly confirm if I am right. Your wife is working too and earning well. And you live in a nuclear family without any elders from either side. Confirm these two.

Though she appears to have taken your request for a talk seriously to an extent, if she is able to avoid it, her sms and phone calls are like to return. So my strong suggestion would be insist on that ' talk' and ask her all the question that you have to. Albeit gently, slowly, calmly, without allowing her to escalate the situation with her temper.

I do appreciate your concern about your children, however do they have any idea about any problem between you two? From what you have so far said, your within family communications, chats, discussions, all the family fun, dining together etc must be already suffering? Yes or No?

You do not have to involve them in this in any way, but please understand if this continues, you will not be able to save them completely anyway! So you HAVE TO solve this.

She needs to commit either way: In an affair or NOT. If not, share all info. Account for all time spent out of home etc.

I must tell you affairs are addictive. If one is in an affair, one needs to go through a program to get out of it. I will tell you about those once you have had the ' talk' to her.

Best wishes.
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Name: Arun
Subject:  reply
Date: 2013-06-26
Today , I have discuss this issue in details, she refuses any kind of affair ans negate the text of SMS , which I have shown to her .

But she admit that she gernally talks to a 2 men who is senior to her in college when she was studying in college and one of them are married , Other is divorcee.

She decline of any emotional attachment with 2 of these men , Just Phone friend

She is free lancer , not fully employed
We kept this affer entirely secret with children because we know the cascading effect of this . but yes she admits indirecly that she is talking and invites me to meet both of these men.

I have asked her to decide whether she want me or both of these men ,which she has not replied
Msg Objection   Go to Top

Name: Chaitu
Subject:  Hi
Date: 2013-06-25
Hi Arun - there is no doubt that your wife is having an affair either physically or emotionally with someone else. Otherwise, there is no need to hide those texts from you.

Keeping in mind of your childrens future, what you can do is, take some time off and both of you go for a vacation without your kids and speak to her frankly about these issues and tell her that you may loose the trust if this continues in same way and speak in a soft manner.

If still the same issues continue even after your counseling, then you can take a step ahead as the head of family keeping in mind your children, just take away the mobile from her and restrict the money flow and keep an eye on wherever she goes and even you can hire a private detective to break this ice.
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Name: Varun
Subject:  Must act NOW...
Date: 2013-06-25
Dear Arun,

Its sad that you are in this situation. However, I do think your wife is in a relationship. But I would like to know if there are any further changes in her behaviour or schedule? Like changes in frequency of sex with you? Apart from sex, if there are changes in exchanges of hugs kisses etc? These are just to confirm. However whether you conclude the confirmation or not, there is a need to talk.

Tell her that you need to talk, fix a time mutually, its important that she agrees to talk and for the appointment. At the appointed time tell her that you are in distress due to her behaviour and you do have a suspicion and you would like her to clarify and reassure you of her love. Also tell her that you would take/accept what she says on the face value and would love to believe that you are wrong in your suspicion.

However also tell her that the changes are very noticeable and in case your suspicions are wrong, you would expect her behaviour to change back to as it used to be.

Ask her if she requires any change in treatment behaviour etc from you? Commit to her that you would do anything within your abilities to make the marriage/relationship/family to have stronger bond and better psychological health.

Sit with a pen and paper and note down her responses, giving her a sense that you are extremely serious about this meeting as much as a business meeting or a professional meeting. Please report back after the talk. We will discuss further.
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