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Joint Family:In-laws and Husband
2001-08-07
Name: Torn in two I have been married for 7 years and have a 1.5 year old. My in-laws are always into our business and how we need to do things, how I should dress, talk, cook and set up my house and raise my child. My husband takes their side and always puts me down and doesnt believe me. My parents have begged for their forgivness on several occasions because my in-laws and husband have taken almost every piece of conversation they have ever had out of proportion. My in-laws and husband believe that my parents should watch what they say beause they are the boys family and they because they are boys family they should be treated a certain way by them and everyone in my family. I have never seen such in-laws or a husband in my life. I have grown up with family around and cousins getting married and I see how their husbands are with us and how their family is. No expectations from them at all, but with my in-laws they have too may expectations from everyone. My husband belives everything they say and does what ever they want, include insulting my parents to their face. I have had enough but now I have a chld in the picture. My parents are very upset but they tell me that I need to become strong and win my husband over, but I have tried and it is not going to work as long as my in-laws continue to interfere in our lives. I don't feel it is fair that I should show all the respect in the world to my in-laws but my parents and family are treated like dirt. I have been thinking a lot of divorce. I am very scared and especially scared of losing my son in the process. My in-laws having asking to take my son back to India, I have told them no and my husband stays quiet. I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband but I don't feel like I can continue in this marriage if he doesnt support me and give my parents some respect like I have given his.
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2002-11-08
#1
Name: abx
Subject:  SAILING IN TEH SAME BOAT
Hi torn,
I have gone thro ur entire message board many times, and i know ur situation as well. U too must have seen my problems under the \";desperate \";topic. I find many similarities in ur case and my case. First of all is \";our (girls') parents issue. There was a stage in my life, when my
fil said to my parents\"; get out of my house\"; and i was in my final month of preg when all this happenned. Can u imagine the amount of mental torture that i must have undergone, during my preg. But after that episode, my mom very strictly decided, not to enter those dirty people's house anymore, She decided and still so far my parents have not stepped into their house. Like ur in laws even my in laws kept on saying \";is this what ur parents taught u\";. And when i revolted my hubby used to yell at me. In the beginning i too was very very meek and just digested everything and the ill treatments done to my parents, for the sake of the peace in my family. But at a certain stage i realised that the more humble we become, the more they dominate us. Anyways i have very little hopes that the realtion ship between my in laws and my parents would improve. But atleast now a days, when ever i hear any sarcastic comments about my parents, i immediately put a full stop to it, directly even to my fil sometimes. I just told my fil\"; the realtionship between my parents and u all is already spoiled, and now even my parnts don't have any contacts with u, nor are they interefering in any of our day to day affairs, so why should u be dragging my father for each and everything. Please stop talking about my parents in any of ur conversation herafter. Please forget about my parents fully. They are doing any harm to u all\";. And after that my in laws and even my husband (touch wood, so far) have not spoken a word about my parents again. I told my hubby \";if u drag my parents name in any of the issues, so will i\"; so its better for both of us to stop talking about our parents.\";
So though there isn't any cordial relationship between the 2 families, atleast my parents, aren't taking any moe shit from my in laws. EVerybody ius confined to their own familiies, and not bothred about the opponenet. U get what i say. So herafter wheever ur in laws or hubby talk anything about ur parents, just ask them to put a full stop to all this. After all why should our paretns take so much of shit from these people. U must become a little bit more brave, and face the consequences.
Initially even i tried to remain silent, and never reacted to anything they all said, but now i have decided to revolt even if my life becomes a mess. What's going to happen, at the most, after all their parents can't get us divorced from our husband. So let us also revolt back, sometimes, without worrying about the consenquences. So far i have tried it in my life, and atleast 60% of the times, i succeed, though i undergo a lot of mental torture and stress due to all this. But i have decided to live up with it, but at least see to it that my parents aren't humiliated any more.
Hope it helps. bye and keep in touch
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2002-10-20
#2
Name: Worried
Subject:  Hi There!
Hello Torn,

I am shocked to know that your home condition has only worsened not become better. If I remember right you had mentioned that you have become stronger in just reading the message boards and have tried to use some of the advice posted here......then what went wrong?You must let us know what exactly is happening and mebbe someone out here can help. If you are scared to put anything here then let me have an email id where we may chat but on this board you will get much better and more perspectives but you must write and get it out of your system.

Waiting to hear from you.
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2002-11-06
#3
Name: Worried
Subject:  Hi there!
Hello Torn,

You seem very depressed and I can see why! I don't know all about you but from whatever you have posted about yourself here I understand that you are a very meek person.

You have to first work on getting a little bit aggressive! You see there is a limit to everyones patience and you seem to be pushing that limit on and on. Your husband and in laws have figured that out! The fact that you keep quite and take criticism about your parents to be able to avoid any argument is in itself a pitfall for you. The moment you are able to draw that line to them and make it clear to them (husband and in-laws) that you will hear no more about your parents and that you absolutely insist that they leave your parents out of any conversation that they have with you it will make you one step stronger with them.They should make sure that they never bring in your parents in any conversation with you. If they ever do you just zip up completely and blank out and JUST DON'T REACT! They may carry on with the worst talk but you turn your mind to other more important things. This atleast would ensure for you and them that you mean business and will not tolerate them not paying enuff heed to your words.

This is a suggestion and am sure it will work whether you are the meek or the aggressive type. Try it and let me know.if it worked and from there we will take it forward one step at a time.

I do hope that it is only mental torture you are subjected to and not any kind of physical or verbal abuse happening. I am sure we can extricate you from this mess but you have to keep in touch !

Bye for know lemme know how things are.
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2002-11-05
#4
Name: Torn
Subject:  Hello
I have tried some of the advice if not all of it but I really don't know what has happened. I have become very depressed, I have become overly sensitive and I get angry at everything.

My husband constantly takes my in-laws side and it is really getting to me. They are his parents and I never want him to disrespect them or not listen to them but I want them to take my advice and ask for it. My MIL and FIL give their advice regarding everything in our home but my husband will never seek my advice. On several occasions I have complained but the situation became worse and worse and my husband still doesn't understand.

I tried very hard to take criticism against my parents just to avoid an argument but I couldn't hold my tongue. It was too much. They are constantly blamed but after all they are my parents and my husband has never given them any respect. I have respected his parents but they don't see that and neither does my husband. His parents have said many things to me and I didn't answer them back even though it really hurt me and affected my health. When I bring these things up to my husband he says that they haven't done anything wrong,etc. etc. etc.

I am really sick of it and I don't know what else I can do. Everytime I feel that I have become strong I fall back.

What to do?
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2002-10-17
#5
Name: Torn
Subject:  Hello everyone
Hello Neha and all my friends, how is everyone? Things are the same and somewhat worse and I really don't know what else I can do.

Divorce is a big step and you have to think really hard before you take such steps. I know that I have thought about many times and have stepped back for the sake of my children. I don't really know if that is the right decision or not but for now I am too scared to take this step.

Unfortunatley I am unable to offer you any advice because my own advice has not worked for me. All I can say is be strong and if you are right then don'[t give up and fight for it.

Many people have posted some good advice on this board, I hope you read it and get something from it.

All the best.
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2002-09-18
#6
Name: Neha
Subject:  i can understand
Torn in Two I cannot believe that I can see that we both have the same problems. I thought I was the only one in the world who was going through this shit in this day and time . My friends all tell me that divorce is the only way to solve this problem, but it is big step from where you cannot come back. Can you tell me what you are doing to live through this misery?? Please let me know.
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2002-08-13
#7
Name: Torn
Subject:  Hello everyone!
Hi Worried and all my new friends - I have been reading this site and silently replying.

Things are going as usual...problems as always, interferance and brain washing as always. I have given up on any hope that things will change and just take it as one day at a time.

I hope everyone else is doing better. Looking forward to your replies. Maybe we should start another post as this is getting so long.
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2002-08-07
#8
Name: Worried
Subject:  Hello!
Hello everybody on this post where are you.....?

Hope all is well no one has posted a single message for a really long time and I was wondering what happened ?

Hope all are fine and hope to see some more messages here soon

Love

A Worried Friend
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2002-04-09
#9
Name: Looking for help
Subject:  Hi Torn in Two
My life is v. similar to urs. I hv experienced more or less same pains mentioned by u. My husband was v. much in love with me and would adore me v much.
But the relationship has broken down b'cos of inlaws' interference in our lives and they hv spread bad & lies about me. I really don't know how to break and get the relationship back and get my partner whom i married.
I hv contemplated everything - running away, living apart, divorcee. But i am not for it for my child's sake and all the more bcos i do love my husband. He does'nt want to hv any conversation with me.
What should i do now? Hope ur life is better now? How did cope? I hv taken all routes- medication, counselling. My husband declined to come to counselling.

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2002-04-22
#10
Name: Concerned
Subject:  Hi
Dear friends,

Hope all of u are sustaining well. after nearly 3 months after my mil left i am starting to be happy again with my hubby...after a lot of cold attitude i have finally emerged out a stronger woman. Nobody can fight for your cause but u. Beleive in yourself and stand up for yourself. Dear hubbies attitude will keep changing as per their parents wishes but we need to make sure they realise that their parents can make mistakes too. do not shy away or sulk in silence ..it will only cause us agony and pain. nothing will come out of it..whatever support we need we have to get it from friends and our parents. Take care all of u and keep in touch.
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2002-04-22
#11
Name: Torn in two
Subject:  Double Wow!
Hi Worried -
I give you a lot of credit for doing what you did and standing your ground. I know it must have been difficult but it got your husband and his parents thinking didn't it. That is the trick, get them to think about what they have done.

Remain strong!

Looking for help..how are you? I hope everything is well.
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2002-04-20
#12
Name: Worried
Subject:  Wow!
Kudos, Torn In two!

When you started this message board you sounded a very harried and troubled woman with no idea how to bring your life back on track but I am glad that you have emerged as the strong person that you sound in this reply of yours.....Thanx girls all of you who have shared your problems with us here and I am sure this place has providied us with a lot of relief at times when we were real desperate!

Life has to go on and the eternal problem with the in-laws is a must but let me share with you what IU went thru sometime ago....!

My in-laws in their manipulative capacities brought about a situation where my dear foolish husband actually decided to walk out of our marriage for something so small that it was very foolish of him and what was worse was (that 2 weeks before that he had actually mollycoddled me into coming back into his life as I left him for one night and stayed away from him and gone home to my parents with my child after a massive fight we had had) .....but I stood my ground and told him that he was free to walk out and that I would keep our child and he very foolishly announced it to his parents who goaded him on.......But something scred them when they saw how serious I was about the whole thing and they just retraced their steps and things have been better ever since and there is less interference and more respect from their end now! Not every one is this lucky and I know that my luck may not hold out forever but what I am trying to bring out here is that if we girls show our in-laws and husbands that we are not too scared about the tabooed word divorce and are capable of living a life without them, probably a better life minus all the tensions that they cause, they are going to be more careful in the way they deal with us!

I hope this helps!
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2002-04-15
#13
Name: Torn in Two
Subject:  Hi Looking for help
Hi - how are you now? I am sorry that you are going through so much now and have gone through so much in the past. We all know that it isn't easy for Indian women because we have to put up with such bullshit from our in-laws and husbands who don't understand.

I have felt exactly like you have and have contemplated everything from suicide to divorce. For my child's sake I stay strong and it is because of my child that I am getting stronger day by day. I don't want my child to be brought up with the thoughts and behavior of my in-laws and turn out to be like them. I interfere at every turn when my child is the subject of conversation. I have started to tell my inlaws what I think without a second thought in mind, I have started to tell my husband as well. Because you see I have come to a point in my life that I don't want to be scared so I have decided the worst that can happen to me is that my husband leaves me because of all this, the benefit if he does is that I don't have to go through all this torture but yes I will miss him, I love him no matter what.

We all love our husbands but that doesn't mean that we have to suffer for their happiness. Start talking back and speaking your mind, believe me it will be a load of your mind, heart and body. You will feel stronger and it will benefit your child because your child will see a strong woman with a strong mind.

I know you can do it!!
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2002-01-10
#14
Name: Worried
Subject:  Hi!
Hi Girls!

How are you doing? My endless battle with the in-laws continues and right now we are on the ignore -each - other mode! I actually went to their house with my husband on new years day and sat with a VERY stiff face right thru! Ofcourse I spoke and smiled very politely when spoken to and answered questions like I would any stranger on the road! This has apparently irked my husband who ofcourse threw a fit and was told by me that this is exactly the way I am going to be from hereon and there is no way a \";Coward\"; like him has the right to tell me how I should behave and how not! If he had had enough courage to tick of his parents when they were wrong then I would've agreed to every whim of his but as of now he has absolutely no right whatsoever to say anything that he may construe as right or wrong!This said - I must say the dh has really behaved himself ever since!

These silly guys know in their heart of hearts what is right and what is wrong but can't find it in them selves to correct their parents and that is what is soooooo sad! They should all be taken to some kind of counsellor before marriage and let it be hammered into their heads that their wives are to be looked after and protected from one and all including their parents and not be dominated over!

I mean is there no justice for us poor women!We weren't born to have to bear the brunt of inlaw menace!Oops I can write a book on all this already!
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2002-04-15
#15
Name: Jasmine
Subject:  Hi Worried and Concerned
Hi Girls -
How are you? I haven't been on-line in a while and it has been a long time since anyone has written. I hope everything is going well.
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2002-01-22
#16
Name: Concerned
Subject:  Hi worried
Thanks my friend for all the support and will-power u give me during bad times. i did stick up for myself recently with my hubby. i did tell him alll the issues i have with his mom and all the bad things she has done so far. till this day i doidnt tell him as i didnt want him to get upset and unhappy . but no that it is threatening my marriage i had to and i dont regret it. i think men shud know what their sweet moms are capable of doing. in fact i want him to listen to how his mom speaks to me..she tries to be sweet only whenever he is around...i hate being a psuedo like her. my face will reflect my emotion . i dont care what others think. like u said, i have to anticipate her every move and have a counter-plan ready, if at all any. she thaws on the fact that she is alll alone there and that every breath might be her last and so on just to make my hubby unhappy about her being alone. what's worse once she is with all she shadows him, does things for him like she were his servant and puts me to shame. obviously her son is so thrilled that mommy does all this for him while his wife has a problem with that! commom when are these men going to grow up!!! now i am expected to have truce with my mil and patch up the stale -mate that is there between us.
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2002-01-22
#17
Name: Worried
Subject:  Hi Girls!
Concerned, do not pray that your mil's current memory erases but use all those extra energies to win your hubby onto your side! The name of the game is PURE MANIPULATION! These dirty in-laws are always playing their games and it is for you to smartly counter these...! SO START THINKING 10 STEPS AHEAD OF THEM! How? I am not an authority in these matters cos' I get caught up in these games too ......I feel mainly because I slacken in my thot process! I start assuming that he is now on my side and that I have nothing to worry.....But what we have to realise is that these parents have known their sons long enuff to know how to manipulate them! We are still learning....by trial and error! Listen to this one it really took the cake!.....My hubby went off to Singapore for a day! and guess what his parents did .....We live in the same city - and so they wanted him to drop by their house on the way to the airport so they could have a word with him you see the father was feeling very upset about something!......Ahem, Kinda stupid no? .....But NO PURE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL! I mean as if nothing could wait a day! Ok my fervent prayers paid off and we somehow could not make it before he left and Yeah to that but hey someone give us a break! I mean catch us doing something like this ......BUT it is soooo important to be OOOOOOh so hurt and sensitive about any thing at all!You may have to come and settle down in India but you have to start thinking ahead like I told you and for that start NOW! Stick out your antennas like never before and then watch the difference! Another thing don't get upset with your MIL not asking about you.....accept it as a blessing that she knows nothing about you and so cannot anticipate your moods!

I am being extremely moody when it comes to visiting my in-laws and my moods are ALWAYS bad to the extent that I don't find it in me to talk with them and so I do not open my mouth.....And that one mind you makes them want to talk and make more conversation with me!

Hah oh this crazy world!
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2002-01-18
#18
Name: Concerned
Subject:  MIL
My mil's devilish mind is back in action.. last time my hubby called all she could talk about is greivances attributing all her illness to her terrible stay she had with us and every minute fault she could find with me...to top it all she says to my hubby...i know u r not happy (with me!) she enquires about all and sundry except for me. i made up my mind to speak abouthis to my hubby. he now wants to seriously go back and settle in india. i have been dreading this day all my married life. if she waere a loving mil i wouldnt have any concerns but tknowing my mil i am absolutely devastated with his wish. we discussed a lot of her fault-findings and my hubby seems to think that i could have put in a little more effort to be nicer to her. but he doesnt realise that she wants to be dominant in our lives and each and every detail to be disclosed and approved by her. to the extent that she wants to know what our savings are, how much we spend etc. and wants him to buy a house in india. all this knowing that i am not in favor of it...i wish some miracle happens and she losses lall ther current memory so that atleast she wont have the grudge she currently has on me. girls, will our struggle never be overcome!!!
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2002-01-18
#19
Name: Jasmine
Subject:  Kudos!!
Worried -

Great job!! You got the courage to stick up for your self respect and we are all so proud of you. I hope that I will have this courage as well one day. I am going to be visiting my in-laws very soon for sometime and I hope that I have the courage to speak up at that moment.

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2002-01-16
#20
Name: Concerned
Subject:  Hey
Worried,

Congrats! U have done it...what i would hesitate to do but would love to u , u did! i defenitely think u were right in your behavior towards them! if they treat us like strangers, why not reciprocate the same...sure the son would be furious, but they do need a piece of their own cake now and then. Cheers!
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