Hi there

Thanks for your wonderful message to me. I have replied on that post.
Where are you from? How many kids do you have (living and angels). You must be a very kind person to be able to write such a feeling message.
Thanks again
mina K.Radha/shared emotion replied. Dearest Mina,

It is my turn to say sorry, I've not come to this board for a while so excuse my lateness. I actually cried when I read your other reply to my post. I too still ask WHY??? I know I shouldn't, I know I have told others not to ask this question and I know it is hurtful because there is no answer. But yes I still ask why and know what a painful question that is so it broke my heart knowing you're doing the same.

I completely understand your feelings that there are days you feel you're coping and can move on... I totally relate to the flip side also where you feel you're back at square one. I've met some amazing women who've lost children, some of these angels are older than I am and their mothers still go through these emotions years on. And yes, they also still want to scream out WHY?!?!?!?!

My Ishani will be one this coming Thursday and it is killing me. I remember the excitement of my son and daughter's first brithday party and now I am planning to celebrate a birthday where the guest of honour will only be with us in spirit. I've cried more this week than I would have thought possible! But I keep holding on to the hope that one day I will be able to live with this loss, accept it and learn to love that I was chosen to be the mother of a child I will never truly know.

I read in another post that you said you were regretting not seeing your daughter Hia but remember your reasoning. You felt you could never have let her go. She did need you to let her go and you have done that... Don't regret the process. Everyone has regrets, remember that no matter what was chosen we all regret not doing more or having done differently. Do you ever find yourself just saying Hia's name? I ask only because for myself there are times that just saying Ishani's name gives me a sense of closeness to her. I miss her so much, I ache! It's like struggling to breath... I need Ishani like I need air as I am sure you need Hia!

Don't let go of the love though Mina... Hold onto your baby in your heart. Never forget how much happiness Hia gave you and learn to accept that part of knowing that happiness meant we'd have to have a lifetime of pain. It is a heavy price to pay but what we gain (it's hard to see this even now almost a year later but i know it to be true)so much. We learn to love through loss, we've grown stronger and we're always mummy to our little angels. Theirs is a life changed, not taken.

I'm not kind or insightful in managing to offer you some comfort with my previous post, although I am very glad that I could. I have been so grateful for the help others gave me that I feel its important I offer my own support when I can. But really I'm just someone (like everyone here) who knows where you're coming from, I was in your place, I still am but I have traveled down the road just a little farther. I am not out of the woods but I am no longer in a position where I can not see the forrest for the trees.

In answer to your questions I am from Brisbane. I've two children with me Sidney (he will be 9 & shares a birthday with Ishani) and Stephanie (she is 5)... And I guess I could say I am the mother of 3 angels. I had a miscarriage 10 years ago and another one earlier this month... And of course there is my most precious of all, Ishani. With my first miscarriage I didn't actually know I was pregnant before it occured so it wasn't a hard loss.

This last one has been far harder to accept. I've got Graves disease and my TSH T3 & T4 counts are apparently considered to be very high even for my condition. My endo says until it is under control I will repeatedly miscarry. Infact she thought I wouldn't be able to conceive at all so we stopped being \" safe\" ... Guess we showed her! I could put this loss down to a failure but negativity is useless so I see it as a partial success. It still hurts though.

What about yourself Mina... What are your plans now? Will you try to have another baby? Hia was your first was she not? I can't imagine how hard it must be like to have lost your first so close to her arrival. I do know a lot of women feel that they need another child to begin healing. I feel the same and hope that one day we'll bring home another child that will be as gorgeous as Ishani & as delightful & naughty as Sid & Stephi.

Mina, you can't ask Hia to take you with her. Please don't do this any more. I have done the same but it isn't fair to you or her. She needs you to live, to go on living so that through you she can be a part of this world. Don't ask her to take you with her, just ask her to remain close and to give you strength when you need it most. She is doing this now but you're just not able to see it. Open yourself up to a life with Hia in your heart and in time things will improve. Things change when we do, start accepting the special differences in your mother/daughter bond that other women will never know. Dwell on as many positives as you can. See the beauty in this tragedy...

WHAT YOU THINK,
YOU CREATE.
WHAT YOU CREATE,
YOU BECOME.
WHAT YOU BECOME,
YOU EXPERIENCE.
WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE,
YOU ARE.
WHAT YOU ARE,
YOU THINK.

Think about that quote. A friend said this to me when I needed it most and for some reason it helped me to start thinking differently. Oh this is still the worst thing to ever happen to me, but as bad as it is there are good things contained in this experience. Good things!!!! It's all about perspective. Look for goodness and that is what you'll find. You named your daughter Hia... You say it means heart... She is in your heart... And while your heart beats she lives. Luv n Hugzzz.... Kate