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Womens Issues:Am i expecting too much ?
2006-11-25
Name: Stuti Hi
Please guide me.I am very worried.I am engaged to someone i love.we will be getting married next year.He is in america working there.I am studying here at IIT.His parents are very nice.he himself is very supportive.wants me to pursue my dream,belongs to financially very well off family so if u think there are no problems at all.BUT i have some problems.
1.He used to call me everyday for 30 mins and 2-3 hrs on weekends.used to chat regularly for 1 hr,sends me cards everyday.Now it has come down to 5-10 mins a day or sometimes 30 mins in 2-3 days.chat for 30 mins ( as i am busy).cards and emails are same.when i asked about this change he said he needs to be responsible regarding spending money on phone calls.Has he lost interest in me??or he has started taking me for granted???
2.He is always busy.just talks of getting this that etc.nice life style n all.He has become too greedy and materialistic.MONEY IS THE ONLY THING THAT HE LOVES N THEN HIS WORK.how to make him realize that life is more than materialistic pleasures??
3.When i told about this.he was like listen i cant talk n sit with u for 24hrs!!be productive n study n let me work too.i am also doing my engineering from IIT.but i dont feel just working working n working is life.I HATE THIS.
4.I can be satisfied by a normal life style.I WANT PEACE N LOVE NOT STUPID MONEY.how to tell him that ??
5.Then there is another BIG problem.As i said we are engaged whenever i chat these days he says let make love on net.I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ISSUE BEFORE MARRIAGE.In real we havent touched even touched each other's hands.But thease days everyday he requests to do that on net saying he feels lonely there n as its online there is no harm.moreover we will be getting married next yr,I DONT DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.PLS TELL ME HOW TO MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND??
6.In these 5 yrs we never had any issues or fights at all.but now a days because of his demand i feel he doesnt love me but its just lust as he has no time for me but he gets time to demand that thing.
I want to live a happy life Pls guide me.

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2006-11-30
#1
Name: xxxx
Subject:  be happy
Hi,

I am just trying in general life philosophy .he could be doing wrong in things and you could do wrong in things. But in general men has very different mind set than women. I guess we need to understand that point. If you say I don’t want that kind of men then its fine and also there are different stages in the life. The mind set which you have today may not be there after 5 years. But you shouldn’t feel insecurity in the love. If you have that kind of situation just leave that. Don’t worry about it. God is there for everything and he will decide the things. But you don’t try to bug other person to call you. Life isn’t simple and that too marriage.
For example if you are away from your parents and in some condition if they don’t call you for 10 days do you feel unsecured .no right .you should need that kind of comfort level in love. if you don’t have that means then its not really what you think. So just take a break and think over and do things which you like really.
Life is not that just to be back on one person.There is lot in the life and concetrate on things.If he comes and talk to you then talk with your issues and also try to be realistic
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2006-11-30
#2
Name: Rakhi
Subject:  concentrate on yor career first
Dear Stuti,

I can very well correlate with the situation you are facing. You seem to be an intelligent but a very emotional girl. If you really feel that you are second choice to him and he agreed to marry you just for the sake of his parents then I feel you might rethink about marrying such a guy. My pointwise suggestions are
1. Do not brood over useless things and get a decent job through campus as you said you are in the final year of your college so lots of companies will be visiting this time .
2. Devote more time to your college friends, family, relatives, shopping, study, childhood friends as this time would never come back.
3. Be little distant and casual to your fiancée. Do not be clingy all the time and do lower level of your expectations. He must realize your importance in his life otherwise you will always be taken for granted.
4. Why the hell did he break up with his ex if he loved him so much? Think in a logical manner was that love or just a lust.
5. Give his life a break and then see if the things have changed at his hand or not.
6. Marriage is a great gamble and requires lots of understanding, compromises faith between husband and wife. Life takes complete U- turn after marriage and love and utmost faith are the ingredients that makes it successful
7. You are in doubt before marriage but trust his actions, do not presume things yourself.
8. Do remember that parents always take side of their son after marriage.
Now be cool concentrate on your study vis-à-vis job and let the things fall in place itself.
Rakhi
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2006-11-30
#3
Name: Sweety
Subject:  Hi
Hi,
I am also in the same situation like u.But the only difference is all those things i feel after marriage for u its
before marriage.

Vn i came to konw that my husband had sex before marriage with 2 of his chat friends i felt very bad that i am not the first and only one in his life..

He never sent me mails vn i was away from him.But recently i saw mail-id full of his mails sent to his girl friend.I never thought he has the talent of writing such romantic mails.

I will b longing to spend time with him.But he will spend most of his time talking with friends in phone.I will b waiting to spend weekend wih him fully.But he used spend most of the weekend with his friends in drinks party.
But As u said he also asks sorry and tells the truth.Now he has changed a lot by cing my love and affection towads him

Vn i think of U two things come to my mind
1. U can easily leave him & marry some one else.but the problem is that the new person must understand Ur love.As we think he must not feel that he is the second person u LOVE,If such a lovable peron U r able to get then SURE marry the new person.

IF NOT

U can change ur fiance with ur love and affecton after marriage .It may take time but surely u can succeed in it.

All the best
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2006-11-30
#4
Name: Stuti
Subject:  To Rashmi
Hi u have asked me many questions.I asked all that to myself.i think my decision lies in these answers only.
1.ur right that he is honest.he tells me everything.i know he has moved on n she moved on too.
2.To be very honest he never ever told me im second choice thats what i feel.never in discussion or fight or anything he NEVER EVER used or said that even indirectly.its my feeling.
3.he never ever compared me to other girls.again its my feeling as he appreciates other girls so much in front of me.im actually not so bad looking or something but his ex was exceptionally beautiful so i always feel that he must be comparing me.
4.now his anger.thats also not that bad.because after just 1 min he realizes n says non stop sorry.
5.i know im over emotional but seriously i dont feel he loves me.sometimes i feel he just wants to settle down so he is marrying.moreover he wants his parents to be happy and as he knows they are just like mumma papa to me n as he knows my nature he feels he should get married.
6.HE HAS NO CONTACTS WITH HIS EX NOW.The incident that i mentioned happened 3 yrs back.now he doesnt know her no or anything.she is happily married n told my fiancee that she DOESNT WANT TO KEEP IN TOUCH AT ALL AS SHE LOVES HER HUSBAND N FAMILY N DOESNT WANT ANY INTERFERENCE.that day i didnt stop him as i know how much he loved her n i can understand how difficult it was for him when she left him.n didnt want him to supress his desires at all.
9.Im not that possessive really but i will try to become little mature
10.MY MAIN PROBLEM IS I FEEL HE IS COMPROMISING N ISNT REALLY HAPPY N DOESNT REALLY LOVE ME.i would like to mention some incidents.(im telling about somethings that he told me about his ex)
a]even if im sick or anything he never gives importance to this.once his ex got sick( pulmonary touberculosis)he came to india from US when she called!!!in my case he will call for 2 mins n say so ur ok ??
2.he has kept all her letters ,gifts with him.even has one email account where he has saved all her mails.he gave me that password n i read all those mails.he asked me if i want to delete them i said no its ok.i know he has 1000 memories with that n moreover i didnt want to hurt him.( but i didnt like those mails.he never ever sends me emails like that.from those mails i came to know he also has a heart but it was only for her)
3.he doesnt like to call me that much.but for her everyday he used to travel 150kms to call her up.(this happened when in vacations he went for a campaign to Andhra {remote village}where there was no telephone booth n no tower for mobile to work.
4.she never called him up n he never said her to call too.for me its like if u want u can call.
5.he still has her pics .there was a pic in which she was wearing some necklace n then he told me it was the first gift that he gave to her.in these 5 yrs he has never gifted me anything.except cards.im notbeing greedy but it hurt when he told me about the lists of gifts that he gave to her.
6.see i know he isnt happy with me as i never ever saw him being a lover to me.i always supported him encouraged him for 5 yrs.i forgot myself n gave him unconditional love but NOW I NEED TO THINK OF MY LIFE.I DONT DESERVE IGNORANCE.PLS TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO??IF U WERE IN MY POSITION WHAT U WOULD HAVE DONE??
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2006-11-30
#5
Name: savitha
Subject:  to stuti again
hi stuti,
i completely agree with rakhi. concentrate on ur studies& campus interview. focus on ur friends etc.
1.you are not able to get out of his past while they both hv moved on. come out of it & live in present. she is his past & u r his present & future. so focus on that point.
2. u said he is 5 yrs older 2 u & when he was going around with his ex his must be just in his early 20's. he was just a boy then....sometimes as people grow older they just seem to grow out of such things. at 20 a boy will be crazy enough to things u mentioned( u r doing the same thing to him now). now he is a man nearing 30..defenitely much more matured in his thoughts.
3. stop comparing urself with his ex & what he did to her & what he didn't do to you.
4.don't give importance to past to ruin your future. most of us live in either past or future, never in present. so live in this day not 5yrs ago.
5. if u r so convinced that he's not happy with u & has agreed to marry for convenience, frankly ask him & seriously think abt future.
6.think fr his pt. he may feel that all this gifts, emotional letters r waste..once bitten twice shy. he may be insecure. hv u ever thought abt it??
7. u r engagaed for 5 yrs.so u must be familiar enough with him to frankly talk abt ur future, where ur life is heading etc. talk abt it rather than what he ate, or how was his day.
rest is left to you. if u want to continue in this relationship, u must stop comparing ur self with his ex or anyother friends. trust him. trust ur self, most of all hv self confidence. if u don't want to talk abt sex, u can send him sexy e mails or dirty jokes( as suggested by someone here)its a good start. marriage is based on healthy sex life. next time when u meet him, atleast let him hold ur hand. poor guy :)
good luck again.
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2006-11-29
#6
Name: Stuti
Subject:  Thank you Hello, Savitha Rashmi and Sangini
THANK YOU SO MUCH.I feel really better now.i dont want to spoil my life so pls guide me.i know im disturbing u a lot and wasting ur time too.
To hello
ur words like ''love u''.''God bless u'' n ''always be happy stuti''have touched my heart. u said u were like me too really??sometimes after years we dont get love n sometimes some people touch our soul within a very short time.Thanks for making me aware.YES ITS MY LIFE I WONT LET IT GET SPOILT.But really i need ur experience and help.
To Savitha
I dont know how u realized with just one post of mine that im very insecure because of my looks.its very right moreover ur right when u say i should enjoy my college life.U have said ur also only child so u know very well this also gives birth to insecurity.ur words were full of care and love.yes i need to improve and i will.i cant believe im getting so much care thru net.i dont know how to express thanks.it was very very inspiring message for me.
To Sangini
Thanks a lot.Thanks a lot for ur kindness.U have a small daughter but still u got time for me.i waited for ur message desperately just felt i got an elder sister.very few people have time for others n its the biggest gift u can give to someone as u never get that part of time back in ur life.its nice to know that people like u still exists.
To Rashmi
ur just talking like mumma.she also says samethings.really all day i asked
myself those questions.u actually made me think real facts.today i came to know real importance of net.how without seeing without talking some people get so close.thank you for giving ur time.

Im very very thankful to all of u.I want to tell u something.pls SUGGEST ME THE WAY.I WANT TO BE HAPPY.mumma papa are with me so its all upto me now.
Thank you once again
warm regards
stuti
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2006-11-28
#7
Name: hello
Subject:  helo stuti
hi

ok, from ur reply what i'm thinking is dear stuti, you have to think seriously about marrying your fiance and how it will be your furure life. but as i said always be truthful towards your emotions. let not any selfishness or self sympathy or ego ,silliness anything interfere in your thoughts. because marriage s a very very complicated thing. you know, for some people everything is fine, both husband and wife enjoy their company. but i think a lot of the relationships are not like that. adjusting, comprimising . but if love is above all of that, thatis if you love your husband a lot so that you can forget whatever the other things are ,then it is another story. that comes only when you thnk that he loves you inspite of what is saying or behaving sometimes. you can understand him through a lot of things. by which you can say whether he is loving you or caring you. ok. for that you need to be patient and let give sometime.

also the main thing is, first you calm down . give some space . be like a smart girl. talk very lovingly but be bold. and then you have to and you MUST talk with him about future, how you like to live your life. what kind of a family you want lke that. make it clear.

and most importantly it is your life , marrage is a very very mportant thing. because it can make your life blissfull and otherwise it can destroy a person. so always thin thoroughly.
i would say you have to talk with your parents about all this and take a wise decision. take lfe very seriously. never ever take it easy. avoid things when you can. you have the chances. use it. if you think everuthing is ok. go for it. have a very very beautiful life. always make your life happy and be what you want to be. ok. when you can. don't ever make a situation where you cannot do anything . just, thinking and crying what a fool. love s supreme. but if it is not there from both sides, nobody can survive that.
anyway give it a serious thinking and decide what is good for your future. ok. always be happy stuti.
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2006-11-28
#8
Name: Stuti
Subject:  Thank you very much Savitha,Sangini,Rashmi,n hello
THANK YOU SO MUCH.I know you all are elder than me more matured and practical.I know for a college going girl like me life is more a fantasy.I NEED TO CHANGE THAT N I WILL.But still i would like to share something.Firstly i want to tell u why i love him n decided to get married.
1.Its not at all an emotional decision.ITS VERY PRACTICAL.Main reason is i am the only child of my parents.i wanted someone who would allow me to take care of my parents.Even allow them to stay near me( NEVER IN SAME HOUSE BUT SAME AREA or complex)Now he is very very respectful person.to the extent that he can supress his anger n desires when mumma or papa say something.he is very very cooperative.
2.next reason HIS PARENTS.they are extremely nice.nice to the extent that i play tennis n badminton with my father in law.i can go dance with mumma papa(my inlaws).mother in law is more understanding than my own mother,ITS A FACT.she scolds my fiance if ever he says even a word to me.
3.He is highly qualified,belongs to a financially well off family.
4.he has no problems with my education.I want to study for another 5 yrs.
5.it will be upto me if i work or not.
6.then we share common interests.90% same choice from clothing to hobbies to food to everything.
NOw here are the things that are making me feel very very dissatisfied about this relationship.
1.I never thought i would be with someone who had physical relationships with some girl.In his case he told me he shared intimate moments many times.
2.I never thought i would be with someone for whom i would be SECOND CHOICE.
3.He has developed inferiority in me regarding looks.Actually i am ok looking but for him his ex, this american friend,other girls are always attractive.never ever praised me.
4.very very short tempered.in anger he becomes ghost.
5.In these 5 yrs I NEVER FELT HE LOVES ME.NOT EVEN ONCE.After every small thing i went to him to say sorry,i cried everytime.he never shows he is INTERESTED in talking to me.
6.I always feel neglected n ingnored.1000 times it has happened that he made me stop talking or chatting when he was talking to other GIRLS.so called friends.
7.once his ex messaged him( yahoo chat)he talked with her n i was also there.i asked him he was like my ex.i was like ok.i waited for 2 hrs THEY KEPT TALKING.then i messaged again he was like SHUT UP can u?dont u know i am talking to her.(That girl his ex has NO INTEREST IN HIM.she is happily married with 2 kids)
8.He always uses words like ur mentally sick,mad,etc for me.IM NOT MAD BUT I DONT WANT A GUY WHO IS PUBLIC PROPERTY I WANT SOMEONE WHO IS MINE.
9.Sometimes i feel when i have a good degree i am from financially ok family when my parents are always ready to support me THEN WHY DO I NEED TO COMPROMISE.I WANT TO FEEL LOVED NOT IGNORED.
10.i passed these 5 yrs thinking he will feel for me the way i feel but nothing has changed.i used to think love is only about giving but now i feel im fed up of crying I DONT DESERVE THIS LIFE.I deserve someone who loves me from heart.
11.Just because i will be able to support my parents i cant INDULGE IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE.
12.I HAVE TRIED FOR 5 YRS STILL FOR HIM OTHERS MATTER BUT I DONT WHY SHOULD I WASTE MY EMOTIONS MY LIFE FOR SUCH PERSON
13.AFTER GETTING IGNORED for 10000 times DEGRADED 100000 TIMES IM GETTING MAD.
14.Just for sake of getting married i should get married to him ??
15.Moreover he has made me feel ugly,unproducative,brainless,mentally sick( his words for me)
16.Another thing i always wanted to marry someone who is not as average looking as he is.( BUT I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT)
17.Is marriage just being financially and socially secured??IS THERE NO PLACE FOR EMOTIONAL SATISFACTION.IM NOT GOING TO MARRY HIS BENZ OR HIS HOUSE I NEED MY SOULMATE WITH WHOM I CAN SHARE ANYTHING N EVERYTHING.WHO NEVER DEGRADES ME FOR FRIENDS OR HIS EX.
18.MY PARENTS HAVE LEFT THIS DECISION TO ME.( VERY VERY SUPPORTIVE)
19.AFTER MARRIAGE I DONT WANT TO BE JUST AN OBJECT IN HOUSE.I HAVE LIFE MY DREAMS MY SELF ESTEEM.
20.IS LOVE NOT AT ALL IMP IN MARRIED LIFE??
REGARDS
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2006-11-29
#9
Name: savitha
Subject:  one more thing
this is ur last year in college. uwill never get this life back. spend it in an enjoyable manner. go out with ur friends, hang out in malls(don't know which city u r in)just chill. lifes not worth shedding tears over such matters. if u lose heart at this stage, then what will happen to you when u r married. u will hv to face much bigger challenges. so you hv to learn to be brave & face the challenges of life. enjoy life dear. this is one of the best period of your life.
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2006-11-29
#10
Name: savitha
Subject:  hey
hey stuti,
i totally agree with rashmi. mmmmmmmmm..what can i say???? ur guy proposed to u when u were 19right??? u accepted for the above said reasons+ u love him too. now 5 yrs later u seemed to hv matured.but still clinging on to ur teenage behr. all i can say is follow rashmi's & others advice for a month. still after that he is the same with u & shows no respect for ur feelings, better talk abt it with ur parents & rethink abt this marriage. afterall u r only engaged, not married. marriage shd also be based on mutual respect for the individuals & their feelings.
good luck to you my dear.
one more thing. if u r not confident abt ur looks, why don't u try a new hairstle or a makeover, not to impress ur guy, but to boost ur self confidence. a new haircut, maybe a bit of highlighting & change in wardrobe stlye can help u a bit in gaining confidence....but ultimately u hv to build ur own confidence. remember always think from +ve angle not -ve angle. work on ur +ve aspects. i was also like u, an only child, always looking for others approval, now thanks to my hubby i am much more a +ve & a confident person. if u really feel that he is not treating u well, make ur feeling clear to him, not crying..(even my hubby hates it) but in a calm & bold manner. reg sex chat its up to you. good luck again dear.
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2006-11-29
#11
Name: Rashmi
Subject:  hope this helps
Point by point.....the good things that u have said r really imp. Just looking at those i would say...u r stupid to feel the way u r....but when i read u'r cons there r somethings that do bother me...and some that i think u r maybe not looking it at the right way...so here goes

1. hey..atleast he is honest...and wants u to know something about his past....and if he has moved on and she has moved on and u have accepted it...then just close this chapter.
2. has he told u that u r his 2nd choice or is that u'r own conclusion....and if he has told u...was it in an argument? be honest
3. howdo u know he finds them more attractive...has he told u so? again was it in an argument.
Next time u talk to him..tell him..u wANT HIM TO PRAISE U'R LOOKS..the pics that u send cause it makes u happy.
4. ouch....thats something u might be able to work on when u get married...i'm v short tempered..the beauty about that is when we get angry we get angry fast and then it goes away fast too.
5men don't like clingy people and half the time they don't know how to deal with tears.....maybe he thinks u r blowing every small thing into an issue??? Choose u'r battles...let go on some and stand firm on some. If he is calling u..and engaged to u..he is interested in u. No one is putting a gun to his head to marry u. Trust me he could just marry someone else if he didn't like u.
6. R u sure u not being too clingy. why don't u make day and time..every day or atleast once a week from this time to this time is time we spend talking to each other. No interruptions!!!Tell him u just want to hear his voice and he being so far u worry about him
7Now this is one i have major problem with...u r so reserved about intimacy but u r broadminded enough to accept u'r finacee friendship with his ex.!!!I'm pretty braodminded myself..but i would have such a big problem with this. Fine he had a relationship..but he needs to keep it in his past. How r u supposed to build on u'r future if he is still clinging to his past. She is the past he knows it she knows it...then let it be there. I would have messaged him back saying that no i will not be told to shutup so u can talk to u'r ex. She doesn't want u anymore..but i do....if u can't get that then u r the one who is meantally sick!!!!!!!! I think half of u'r problems r because of this!!
8 Being possesive is u'r right in a relationship..but being overly so is suffocating..make sure u knows that he is no longer public property but at the same time he has his freedom.
9ANY relationship is a compromise...there is NOBODY or no relatioship where there is not some compromise or the other..just make sure that the issues u r compromising on r not the ones u valued the most! TELL HIM...in a nice calm way...tell him u r someone who needs more attention, a contest reminder that u r loved...and not be put aside so u can talk to u'r friends. That is wrong on his part. If he is not getting that then give him a taste of his own medicne. Next times he calls say u busy and u don't call him > however much u want to...don't. Ignore him for a bit...he'll come back in line!!! Sometimes when we over do..,men start taking us for granted. Do this for a month..he will realise his mistakes....all the best...and keep us posted.
I hope I was helpful and not to critical.
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2006-11-28
#12
Name: Stuti
Subject:  For Sangini,Savitha,Rashmi and Hello
I dont know what should i do ?on one side i love him so much on another side i feel very very degraded.now u all told me to be open to him.i really dont feel its ethically right.i know its virtual just on net.but i am real my soul is very real i cant really devote myself to someone like this.i am not saying i will never do it.but before marriage its a BIG NO NO for me.moreover after listening to his words like shut up u have to do because i want to do.etc i didnt really liked the way he tried to force me.i express my love but i want to maintain LIMITS.i will be getting married BUT NOW IM NOT MARRIED.for me i strongly believe in mental purity and integrity.I know i sound to be very backward n in dreamland but no one changes that easily.
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2006-11-28
#13
Name: Stuti
Subject:  Thank you very much Savitha,Sangini,Rashmi,n hello
THANK YOU SO MUCH.I know you all are elder than me more matured and practical.I know for a college going girl like me life is more a fantasy.I NEED TO CHANGE THAT N I WILL.But still i would like to share something.Firstly i want to tell u why i love him n decided to get married.
1.Its not at all an emotional decision.ITS VERY PRACTICAL.Main reason is i am the only child of my parents.i wanted someone who would allow me to take care of my parents.Even allow them to stay near me( NEVER IN SAME HOUSE BUT SAME AREA or complex)Now he is very very respectful person.to the extent that he can supress his anger n desires when mumma or papa say something.he is very very cooperative.
2.next reason HIS PARENTS.they are extremely nice.nice to the extent that i play tennis n badminton with my father in law.i can go dance with mumma papa(my inlaws).mother in law is more understanding than my own mother,ITS A FACT.she scolds my fiance if ever he says even a word to me.
3.He is highly qualified,belongs to a financially well off family.
4.he has no problems with my education.I want to study for another 5 yrs.
5.it will be upto me if i work or not.
6.then we share common interests.90% same choice from clothing to hobbies to food to everything.
NOw here are the things that are making me feel very very dissatisfied about this relationship.
1.I never thought i would be with someone who had physical relationships with some girl.In his case he told me he shared intimate moments many times.
2.I never thought i would be with someone for whom i would be SECOND CHOICE.
3.He has developed inferiority in me regarding looks.Actually i am ok looking but for him his ex, this american friend,other girls are always attractive.never ever praised me.
4.very very short tempered.in anger he becomes ghost.
5.In these 5 yrs I NEVER FELT HE LOVES ME.NOT EVEN ONCE.After every small thing i went to him to say sorry,i cried everytime.he never shows he is INTERESTED in talking to me.
6.I always feel neglected n ingnored.1000 times it has happened that he made me stop talking or chatting when he was talking to other GIRLS.so called friends.
7.once his ex messaged him( yahoo chat)he talked with her n i was also there.i asked him he was like my ex.i was like ok.i waited for 2 hrs THEY KEPT TALKING.then i messaged again he was like SHUT UP can u?dont u know i am talking to her.(That girl his ex has NO INTEREST IN HIM.she is happily married with 2 kids)
8.He always uses words like ur mentally sick,mad,etc for me.IM NOT MAD BUT I DONT WANT A GUY WHO IS PUBLIC PROPERTY I WANT SOMEONE WHO IS MINE.
9.Sometimes i feel when i have a good degree i am from financially ok family when my parents are always ready to support me THEN WHY DO I NEED TO COMPROMISE.I WANT TO FEEL LOVED NOT IGNORED.
10.i passed these 5 yrs thinking he will feel for me the way i feel but nothing has changed.i used to think love is only about giving but now i feel im fed up of crying I DONT DESERVE THIS LIFE.I deserve someone who loves me from heart.
11.Just because i will be able to support my parents i cant INDULGE IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE.
12.I HAVE TRIED FOR 5 YRS STILL FOR HIM OTHERS MATTER BUT I DONT WHY SHOULD I WASTE MY EMOTIONS MY LIFE FOR SUCH PERSON
13.AFTER GETTING IGNORED for 10000 times DEGRADED 100000 TIMES IM GETTING MAD.
14.Just for sake of getting married i should get married to him ??
15.Moreover he has made me feel ugly,unproducative,brainless,mentally sick( his words for me)
16.Another thing i always wanted to marry someone who is not as average looking as he is.( BUT I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT)
17.Is marriage just being financially and socially secured??IS THERE NO PLACE FOR EMOTIONAL SATISFACTION.IM NOT GOING TO MARRY HIS BENZ OR HIS HOUSE I NEED MY SOULMATE WITH WHOM I CAN SHARE ANYTHING N EVERYTHING.WHO NEVER DEGRADES ME FOR FRIENDS OR HIS EX.
18.MY PARENTS HAVE LEFT THIS DECISION TO ME.( VERY VERY SUPPORTIVE)
19.AFTER MARRIAGE I DONT WANT TO BE JUST AN OBJECT IN HOUSE.I HAVE LIFE MY DREAMS MY SELF ESTEEM.
20.IS LOVE NOT AT ALL IMP IN MARRIED LIFE??
REGARDS
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2006-11-28
#14
Name: sangini
Subject:  I am sorry stuti i forgo to mention
think stuti at one side i feel that you are ok, by expecting him to call you but i think once in two days is quiet reasonable, actually there is determined frequency to taaly should depend on your understanding on the other i really find ur determining the duration of calls by saying 1hr in a day is NOT OK,
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2006-11-28
#15
Name: sangini
Subject:  Please Take it easy now......
I think stuti at one side i feel that you are ok, by expecting him to call you but i think once in two days is quiet reasonable, actually there is determined frequency to taaly should depend on your understanding on the other i really find ur determining the duration of calls by saying 1hr in a day is ok, why do you think this way please don't think like this instead of calling 3hrs and feel ignored it is better for you to call just for a few minutes like 10 minutes let him feel the urge to talk to you, see in the beginning we are excited about ecah other but aslowly we time we loose the excitement because intially there is lot to explore and know about eachother after some time you treat it as a part of your day and life, same is with marriage if u think this way now you will lost after marriage as it is its 5yrs for you realtion take my word, Any Man in this world doesnot feel like women feel about realtions, like my husabnd he is never so nostaligic about the time we spent in college but i am i love that period of life i have kept all the cards and things he gave me intact but not him so its ok... So please come out of the world where u are may be you are in college that is why that level of maturity is not there....
Now for you i also say please don't give any undue importance and time to any realtion people start taking you for granted and feel suffocated as i think Rashmi or one of the forum members said.. don't feel depressed we all are not blaming you just aking you to be MAST enjoy college life because this life will never come back u will keep brooding in this time and loose ur time and health never havce complex about yourself and never show it to your partner too.. as you will all degrade urself in front of your spouse never never do it, and secondly he has accepted u as you are if he feels otherwise later i think its better to show him the EXIT DOOR rather than behave as a you are on his MERCY, when there no self respect and mutual respect in realtion they loose value.. i repeat please wait for his next call and when he calls u for 5 mins talk to him very sweetly and intelligently and then take two days break or 3 days and then call him for 10 minutes you know you have pampered him he is taking you forgranted recreate ur imp. talk to him for limited time it will helpyou both to gather some talks to share also and this time boundation rempove it from ur haert... I think Savitha and Rashmi is right that you should start being open with him you will feel free with him and it nothing wrong as the time u both have spent with eachother is very long, all realtions come to this point so chill out talk to some point don't cross limits but sometimes u can dion't make it a habit, this is another aspect men always want their women to be proficient, and giving you can't keep away from this for long so just start little by little send him a sexy card... try to rekindle the spark its imp.... Emotional and physical love go hand in hand and again here women are not that intrested but Men are more, even today to express love my husband wants sex the moment he will touch but for me i like it some smooth touches...

So know you breath, enjoy this relation give it little space, make it an imp part of your life and NOT YOUR LIFE... there are many more things in life ....more over you both are engaged its a socail as well as emotional bonding..
keep us posted
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2006-11-28
#16
Name: savitha
Subject:  RE:
my dear stuti,
just now read all your posts. my feeling is deep down you r a very insecure person..maybe coz of ur looks?? but u r such an intelligent girl..getting into iit has proven it.
now in every relationship..be it love, marriage or even friendship, a person needs some space. have u ever heard of the term smother with love..yes even too much of love can suffocate a person. also generally a person changes once they r out of their home town(in general lead an independent life)maybe for good or bad.ur fiance` seems to be enjoying the new found freedom.
love is always giving...love him for what he is...not what he can or cannot do for u. u r sending him cards,mails calling up..fine, but don't expect the same from him.
next, though u say u r ok abt his ex or current american friend..deep down u r not ok with it..maybe u feel that he may leave u as u were not his original choice.
next hv u discussed this matter with ur mom or elder sister or brother. ur mom shd be able to sort out ur feeling..always ur parents r ur best friends.with her wealth of experience she may be able to sortout ur emotions.also talk to ur dad,will get man's view also. r u staying in hostel on the campus? if yes,i am sure it leaves u with limited options of entertainment. if u r staying at home try to divert ur mind with other activities than just calling him or sending mails or cards.
anyways u know ur man best. try to deal accordingly. don't be too clingy. reg chat on sex, nothig wrong in it. after all when u r married u r actually going to do it. so better get an idea abt his likes & dislikes etc. sex is also a main aspect of pure love. nothing wrong in it. if u deny it, he may look elsewhere.
best of luck & happy married life ahead.
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2006-11-28
#17
Name: Rashmi
Subject:  answer to u r question...yes a bit!!
I really am trying to think from where to start.
First of..u guys have been engaged for 5 yrs and u have never had phone sex or talked dirty?? I mean i understand u love him...but love has 2 sides..the emotional bit and the physical bit. The need for u to touch him and he to touch u...and u haven't even held hands!!!!!! for 5 yrs!!!!!!
What happens after marriage...will u still say i only want to do it on weekends??
Second...working life is kinda busy..not that studying in IIt is a peice of cake...that is V V hard ...but see there r 2 kind of people..one who in their down time want to take it easy relax..chat on the phone (which sounds like u). and then another..who like to unwind by doing something totally different to their work, go out with friends etc (which sounds like u'r fiancee)
Third of all...u seem to measure u'r love for him by the amt of time u spend talking to him where as he might be measuring it in a totally different way...like his commitment to marring you.
Fourth of all...life has changed in Inida as well as abroad..people all over r materialistic....one tends to measure life by the amt of goods we have...sometimes we don't even realise that we r doing that...we want the lastest this and the latest that...we feel that will make us happy. But that doesn't define us. U seem level headed..maybe he need someone like u to make him realise that goods r not everything. Life alone in US can get really lonley....so we try to cover r lonelness in all these ways.

if u love him and he loves u....don't worry so much....everything will work out fine. Once u r together....u will be the one he will be going out to dinner with...going out on honeymoon weekend getaway...u will be the one he will be coming home too.
Remeber everything is a matter of prospective....u might think that a bottle of 100$ wine is a waste of money..but for a wine fanatic...he would have no problem shelling out that much for wine. What I'm trying to say is that spending too much money on phone calls might seem flivirious to him..specially if he feels that u r nagging him about more phone calls. Men r often not good over the phone...they don't know what to talk. they r into tech stuff...so tend to talk about latest this and latest that..and how soon they will have it. When they have resposibilites..things change. Once u start living together i strongly feel things will work out fine.

All the best and take care
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2006-11-28
#18
Name: hello
Subject:  hi stuti
hello

think sangini is giving you pretty good advice . anyway what have to tell you whatever lfe is, always be happy and expect less from others always. yes always.becomes i was also like you once, now married over 5 years i realise married life , when it becomes practical needs more patience tolerance most of all forgiveness. ok dear.
also what i have to tell you is always thnk clearly and properly and try to think t from the other side. because it is our own life. we have to be very cautious . lets face facts and fnd ways to solve it. no fairy tale . ok. also i think ths is a good time to show him who you are. what kind of a person is you. be a smart intelligent calm girl. always remember it is your life. so be very careful and truthful to the emotions. ok. may god bless you. love you
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2006-11-27
#19
Name: Stuti
Subject:  Hi Sangini
I dont have words to express thanks.Really only a woman can understand a woman.You i have have been trying whatever u suggested for 6-7 months.
1.if i dont call him he NEVER gets worried.BUT I GET TOO WORRIEd.
2.even if i skip few calls he doesnt even realize.
3.i dont show i am upset even if i am
4.even when he left me on his birthday i talked about that after 4 months that too in a very light way and he was like you are mentally sick.
5.Its true i never show him i am busy.for him i can never be busy.i used to think there should be no place for diplomacy and tactics in love but now i feel thats wrong but still i want devotion in love.
6.I dont have great expectations but if he calls me i feel good.atleast i want to know how was his day?what did he eat?how was his sleep?my only expectation is i need his 1 hr in one day.i study all the day but still i get time to call to select cards to write an email.why cant he do that.
7.I know he has this americal girl with whom he goes out but i believe she is just a friend.they go for dinners,shopping almost 8-9 times a month but i dont mind that.i also know he had intimate relationship with his earlier gf but it was past so i never said anything about that.he cried in front of me when she got married i understood that too but if i need to spend some time over phone.am i expecting too much ??
8.i also want to feel loved.i dont deserve this ignorance.for me yes love is a very pure feeling where there is no place for words like loosing self respect.I know in this world i am talking about dreamland but thats how i am but now i am feeling very depressed.
9.This time he had 4 holidays from thursday to sunday.from thanksgiving to sunday.he called for 45 seconds on thursday then on friday i called up for 3 hrs even then i didnt get any call from him on saturday n sunday so i just feel is this really love ??when im giving him 1000% devotion i also expect something but now i feel very disappointed.
PLEASE TELL ME IS THIS LOVE.??WHAT DO U THINK I SHOULD DO??
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2006-11-27
#20
Name: sangini
Subject:  Stuti...
I will reply you tomorrow i need to know more from before directing something, but one thing is their any realtion needs honestty and due repect try for some days atleast to call him less and i will wtite my questions tomrrow as i am getting late got rush home i have a small daughter so , just wait till tomorrow...
thanks until then just keep ur cool don't give too much importance to anything in life trust me for that...
Take care tomorrow i will write in this forum...
then let u know
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