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Joint Family:My in laws are decievers
2001-09-03
Name: avnv One of my three sister in laws lost her husband within 45 days of her marriage. My husband & I decided to keep her with us as its not very comfortable to stay in a village as a young widow. (She is elder to me, but got married after us) Ours is a inter religion love-arranged marriage. Initially everything went of fine. But then my other Sil also joined to stay with us in the city saying she cannot cope up with her brother that is my brother in law. (They fight like cats & dogs). Things then began top change. We had got the elder sil a job and so the younger one. Things began to change then. Both these girls use to treat me as a servant. After two full years of tolerance I finally put my foot down for them to leave & they finally shifted to a hostel. My husband is very considerate. He understands me a lot, which my in laws dont like. When I was wrong he used to reprimand me too.

Even after moving to the hostel I tried to be cool and ok. The after a year I was carrying and my widow sil had a terrible fight with me., after which my husband and I decided to stop talking to her. As usual my inlaws kept on insisting us to patch up but wee didnt. She wanted to tie rakhi but my husband declined. This blew their top. My husband decided that she would not come for my child shower(7th month ceremony) in my house and relations strained more. My husband & I both were hurt because she didnt come to see our daughter when she was born. Hence she was not invited for my daughters naming ceremony. I was at my moms place then and my husband had a big argument with my in-laws. My younger sil fought with me over the telephone when my baby was just two months old..

I have come to know now that when I all this was happening before the naming ceremony my husband was on tour for nearly 8 days. And during that period my widow sil came and stayed in my house with my inlaws who had come for my delivery. ( I was at my moms place) and while my younger sil was arguing with me to call her for the naming ceremony she was very much there at my place.
What a drama.! One moment they tell me that till we call her she wont step into our house , and when I & my husband are not around, they call her & make her stay.

I am very disturbed with this. I have three sil, one bro-in-law, MIL & Fil and all are party to this. My bro-in-law is quiet close to me. But he also didnt tell me. In fact he was down with jaundice during that period, so I used to make dishes as per his appetite and send it to him. And this is what happens to me. I am very disturbed. I feel like giving them left right & centre, but my husband feels so hurt about it that he doesnt want to talk about it. What should I do?

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2001-09-17
#1
Name: neetaad
Subject:  reply
I think you could keep away frm them but at the same time , have the PR ability to call them on funcitons without intruding them in your personal life . Your emotions need to be controlled and dont instigate your husband, the circle of life alwys bring the same incidents to you again
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2001-09-04
#2
Name: Jasmine
Subject:  don't worry!
Avnv, I can understand how hurt you must feel but your in-laws wanted their daughter to join in on the ceremony to celebrate the birth of your daughter and that is why they were playing the games, right? You are right to be upset and I believe you should follow Swati's advice and talk to your husband. He obviously loves you very much and stands by you no matter what. Tell him how upset you are when he is ready to face the situation as well. You say you are hurt but imagine how he must feel, these are his parents and siblings and have hurt him so much...he needs you beside him and your support and love right now. Fight for your husbands respect that is without question.

Just one thing seemed to bother me in your original message, both of you turned your SIL away, even on rakhi and then you got upset with her because she didn't come to see your daughter. How do you think she must have felt when you told her not to come for your 7th month ceremony and to tie rakhi. I am sorry, but fights happen in the family and if you want to stay mad at her and not allow her to come to these functions then why do you have expectations of her coming to see your child, she must be hurt as well don't you think.

My opinion, but I feel your husband was wrong to not allow his sister to come and tie rakhi. Rakhi is a very important day for brothers and sisters, I know because I cried for a long time when my brother didn't come one year to tie rakhi. It is sacred and your husband should not have done that.

Well past is past and what's done is done. I hope it all works out for you, but please don't strain yourself. You have a small child to take care of now, concentrate on her, yourself and your husband.
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2001-09-05
#3
Name: Jasmine
Subject:  You have done all you can!
Hi Avnv -

I am sorry to hear that things were that bad. I believe in your circumstance and your husbands, both of you did do the right thing. Does your husband know that you told you MIL to call your SIL?

Maybe your in-laws didn't want the both of you to get married, but you did and luckily your husband is beside you so don't let that strain your relationship or stress you out. Keep your husband on your side, that is #1. Let your husband decide how he wants to handle situations with your in-laws, after all they are his parents and sibling.

Your SIL was wrong for what she did. It may take time and things may return back to normal but obviously in time and maybe they will never be the same. Don't change your behavior towards your in-laws b/c you may be blamed for the tension. Like I said, let your husband dictate how the relationship will go and just support him.
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2001-09-04
#4
Name: Swati
Subject:  Why?
Dear

You are just angry! You are so Lucky to have such an understanding husband who understands your problems and takes up for you and is always by your side against all odds. Why are you looking at getting back at them. You tell your husband to get it out of your system and like before he will take up for you and handle his family for you. You are just angry that your inlaws have hidden something like this from you - there are worse cases women are dealing with why are you spoiling your mood over something like this?
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2001-09-05
#5
Name: avnv
Subject:  Thanks Jasmine
Hi Jasmine, thanks for your advice. I am trying not to worry about it. I know my hubby did'nt tie rakhi, but there were so many humiliating things that preceeded the rakhi episode. Like humiliating my husband in front of her boyfriend & saying things that no one would say to a mother-to-be, considering her health and many many small things. The fact is that she does not have concern at all. Actually, i feel she has got too much of pride. She's got a lot of monetary compensation on the demise of her husband and she feels she can get along without any body. She has made us feel that a few times (I may be wrong) and she said she wanted to tie rakhi because her parents had told her too. That means she was'nt herself feeling it. That was the reason why he denied it. Moreover, had she come home to tie rakhi from hostel (as she had done previous year) i am sure he wouldnt have denied. She was asking permission on the phone. I think that bugged my hubby. He is basiccaly of the thought that if you dont hav eit in your heart dont do it , however necessary it is. As a sister i believe she must have felt bad, but he is elder, i fell she should asked for forgiveness and closed the chapter. Anyway, as for my 7th month ceremony although my husband declined to call her i had told my inlaws to call, but they decided not to listen to me. Then why all the drama after that. I heart to heart feel they just agreed for our marriage coz they had no option. They dint want to lose their son. (My MIL says) But these things have already taken their son emotionally from them. Blood is blood.
Do you thinks things will ever get back to normal. I want them too. U know i love them all, but i am so hurt i dont feel like making any effort.

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2001-09-04
#6
Name: avnv
Subject:  Im hurt more than being angry
Hi Swati

This is avnv here.
I know i am angry. More than that i am hurt. You know my mil & fil are pretty old in their sixties. And u wont believe it i love them a lot and i want to be good and normal to them. I have till now never ever back answered to them also, because i respect them. But u know i dint expect this from them. Ok your bil & sil they are young & immature, when they settle in their houses they'll realize. I know my Husband is really cool. Infact he's really matured. When i am cool and i think about it, i feel its such a petty thing and i should ignore it. But when i think about how all from my inlaws keep on favouring my sil and putting my husband low i feel hurt. They are in all cases dependent on us. And when it comes to hurting us they dont feel anything? This disturbs me. I have all my sympathies for my sil. For two years i have kept her as my own sister thinking of the misery that has befallen on her. But i feel really hurt. My husband says i feel this way, because i went too much out of my way to get pally with them and thats why they do this. Ok for me its fine. But what about him? what has he done? He doesnt deserve this. Now for all other things they turn to him. Dont u think this is unfair for him? I hurts me to see him hurt. and that too his parents.
You are right there are more grevious things that happen, but you know this was a shock to me. I trusted my MIL a lot. Now that has vanished. That cannot be rebuilt. Right? Somethimes i feel its so complicated to maintain a good relationship if it is'nt two way.
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