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Miscarriage and Child Loss:I can't cry for my lost baby... help me
2005-12-28
Name: K.Radha My daughter would have been 5 weeks old today... Instead she was stillborn and will always be a tiny & perfect newborn... I find myself thinking that this would be the time Ishani might have begun smiling, she would have celebrated her first christmas and would soon be seeing in her first new year had she of lived... It hurts soooooo much everyday and the pain does not lessen... Sometimes I can't breath because my heart is so hurt and I will be physically sick... I just can't cry or get my greif out... It feels like a huge cancer that wont stop growing and I cant release any of it... 5 long, hard, heart-breaking weeks & I can not shed so much as a tear... Does anyone know how I can go about \";feeling\"; the emotions that are stuck inside? I am going so crazy that I feel I can not cope much more, I need to get this pain out, to express it in some way... I have taken to cutting myself with a razor in some attempt to prove that by feeling physical pain I will be able to feel emotional pain rather than have it locked in or stuck... I need to feel but I cant and it is making things worse with each passing day...

Ishani died while I was in labour (to read about it see here: http://www(DOT)indiaparenting(DOT)com/boards/showmessage(DOT)cgi?messageid=2350&table_name=dis_duedate_nov2005 )and it seemed I had inadvertantly caused a great deal of pain to those around me in loosing my child. I put on a show of strength and felt I should be the one comforting them... I found ways of making \";sense of it all\";... Found the pretty words everyone needed to hear, justified things so that their pain was less... It isn't that no one cared how I felt, they did, but I felt their pain needed to be addressed more desperately than my own... After all it was me who was lucky enough to have had those 9 wonderful months with my baby and I felt if anyone was lucky it was me... They had nothing just like I did but I did have time with Ishani that noone else ever had so I felt I had to give them something, give them comfort... Somehow I feel like Pavlov's dog, I have conditioned myself to forcing a brave face so many time that I can no longer find it in me, no matter how I try, to reach at my own grief... How long can I go on cutting myself in the hopes that my physical pain will release my emotional pain? I don't mind the physical scars but a deep emotional one is fast forming and it is eating me up... Daily I toy with the idea of suicide but it is stupid and foolish, I know this... And I have two other delighful children to think of... I don't think I have expressed myself very well with this post but I pray that someone will know what I can do... Can anyone PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me
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2006-01-16
#1
Name: ritwik
Subject:  ....stop consoling others
Dear Radha,

After posting my message, I kept returning to this website to see if you have responded... to see how you are doing. After about 3-4 days, I became terribly busy in other things and slowly lost touch for this. Yesterday all of a sudden I remembered and came back to this website. I read your response.... and to tell you the truth, I have never in my life been as happy to see someone cry.

But I wish you would have cried for more than a few minutes. Can you please write to me at ritwik_chatterjee@ yahoo . com?

ritwik
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2006-01-06
#2
Name: friend
Subject:  lost baby
i m sorry. i know nothing can take the place of ur lost baby but u need to take care of ur self as well for the other 2 beautiful god gifted childres . i see some signs of depressio in ur letter...i know the law here and ur worries as well... if u cann't go to the counseller ....pls try practicing meditation and yoga it will help u get out of the depression ......believe me it really works ...
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2006-01-07
#3
Name: K.Radha
Subject:  thanks friend
Dear Friend,

I am glad you don't know what it is like to loose a child... It isn't something I would want anyone to experience... If I had my way noone would ever loose a child! But such is life and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I am trying hard to take care of myself for the sake of my son & daughter... Thanks for the advice about meditation & yoga, I think it'd be helpful too...
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2006-01-04
#4
Name: prema swaminathan
Subject:  radha.....
Dear Radha
i know the exact pain of urs and ur family beco the same thing happed me to in last year
u know i got a pretty son he survived for 4 days and i lost him
and atleast ur have kids but he was my first baby
god only has reasons for every thing
ok hope the best
may god bless u and me with pretty angels soon
take care
bye
Prema
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2006-01-07
#5
Name: K.Radha
Subject:  thank you Prema
Dear Prema,

I am so sorry to hear or baby died just 4 days after being born... That must have been the most crushing blow to you, I can imagine what it would have been like had Ishani lived at birth only yo die a few days later... I don't know that I could bear that sort of pain, I just cant say how sorry I am... I also believe that God has his reasons although I wish he was less mysterious about them... I hope that very soon you are blessed with a darling baby to cherish forever...
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2005-12-30
#6
Name: ritwik
Subject:  .... about time you learn to be weak
Dear Radha,

I don't know how I landed on this website or how I got myself to read your post, but after doing so I registered myself to this website, just to write to you.

I may be a little harsh in this post. I am a man- might never be able to understand how deep a woman's feelings are. But there is something I have in common with you. I cannot cry. And that is not a good something to share.

Radha, the reason you cannot cry is that you are a very strong lady. And today, it is working against you. Radha, if you have realized that you need to cry to come out of it you are absolutely right. It is not always difficult for most people to cry... but in your case, it is. Realizing the need was the first step. Now you need to take the next step - you need to become weak to cry. And trust me, for this case DO become weak. Forget consoling others.... say to yourself you are weak... keep reminding yourself that you are weak.. atleast in this case.

I know it would seem derogatory to a you who have always been helping others... but you don't need to be the messiah always... you don't need to console everyone all the time... you don't need to win always... and you don't need to be strong always.... it is your birth-right to cry... cry alone if you cannot cry in front of others... and why not cry in front of others?... who cannot? And who shouldn't? It is your family, right? They are your own blood. Cry in front of them... let you hubby cry too.... it won't hurt him.... it won't hurt if your children cries too.... don't console them for once.... you have been the most lucky to be with Ishani for 9 months... but it is also you who have lost the most.... just cry for your loss. Think you are the 8 yr old... you have no ego, no responsibilities, you're no role-model... you are just who you were when you were a 8 yr old kid... don't worry about who is watching you cry.... go ahead and let your husband and your family know for once that you are a human being too.... you have sorrow, you have pain... you can cry... and not care how others will be feeling... cry for yourself.... cry for your Ishani.... SHE IS DEAD!!! SHE IS NO LONGER WITH YOU!!! SHE WON'T LISTEN TO YOU! ISHANI WON'T TALK TO YOU! CRY!!
.....
...
..
...

Dear Radha, if you are still reading this post with yours eyes dry... stop here and cry...
but if you still can't, you need professional help.

First and foremost let your husband read this chain of posts. Don't worry, at the most he will also shed a few tears and clutch you in his arms. But let him read it so that he can understand that you need help. We can just write posts to you. If you can ask us for help, he is more near and dear to you... let him take up his role... he is stronger than you think.

Next about your ideas of not going to a counselor - you are wrong. A professional counselor has handled enough cases to understand your symptoms, and they are specially trained to handle cases of \";shock\"; like yours. You are NOT depriving anybody from seeing a counselor. Your grief is devastating enough.

STOP cutting yourself. And STICK to this website keep posting your thoughts. Keep writing. Perhaps write another letter to Ishani with more feelings how you miss her. now more than ever.

Cry....
Ritwik
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2006-01-07
#7
Name: K.Radha
Subject:  RITWICK!!! THANKS
Dear Ritwik,

I don't know if it is possible to send a hug but if so I want to!!! OMG When I read your post I found myself thinking that you had described my feelings so well... I honestly do consider tears to be a sign of weakness and I know that is what makes it impossible for me to cry infront of others... I can cry, ALONE, I sometimes cry after watching a sad film it is just that with this I've not been able to shed any tears...

As I continued to read your mail I felt angry... I have no idea why but the lines "cry for your Ishani.... SHE IS DEAD!!! SHE IS NO LONGER WITH YOU!!! SHE WON'T LISTEN TO YOU! ISHANI WON'T TALK TO YOU! CRY!!" seemed so harsh... I thought who are you to say my daughter wont listen or that she wont talk to me?... I kept clinging to the belief that if she could talk or listen to me that she would have... But you're right she wont... SHE WONT and then the tears came, it was but for a few minutes but the relief I feel is wonderful. There is so much left inside that I feel I could cry for a life time and while it's still 'stuck' I know that it came once and will again.

I wonder if perhaps I am only able to grieve in small doses, if so that is fine with me... I just needed to be able to start the process and now I have... The flood gates have been opened and I can't thank you enough for helping me do that... And I can't say how good it felt to cry, there are no words to express my thanks & relief... You know, I think you said the words I couldn't say... I think I was afraid to admit the things Ishani won't do because it feels cruel to think that way... What sort of mother would condemn a child for the things they won't/can't do? It was like if I admitted this I'd be somehow harbouring resentment towards Ishani and I don't want that.

Maybe that is what prevented the tears... Maybe deep down I thought if I grieved I would bring up hidden resentments and in some way my body refused to cry because of that hidden fear... The fear of blaming Ishani, which I don't (phew!), stopped me... I don't know what else to say aside from THANK YOU... THANK YOU... THANK YOU
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2005-12-29
#8
Name: Aarti
Subject:  Typo
I meant to say \";farewell\"; letter.
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2005-12-29
#9
Name: Aarti
Subject:  Some thoughts
Hello Radha,

I cannot even pretend to know what you are going through but I have lost a baby in the second trimester and have heard about the loss of my brother who died the same day he was born. Atleast I can relate to what you are going through.

You have made a start towards healing just by writing your message. I will include a few things which helped my emotional healing.

- Join a support group. Whether it is online or in person. There are some wonderful groups on the internet. The women at http(://)hygeia(.)org/ are wonderful. As also the boards at babycenter(.)com.

- Is there a support group based out of the hospital in which you delivered?

- Is there a trusted friend with whom you can talk to? I did not turn to anyone except my husband, mother and best friend. I completely excluded all other friends and family to the point of not divulging any details. I am not saying that this will work with you. But if you can find even one friend who is willing to listen to you, it will help. I could not find \";the pretty words everyone needed to hear\";, which is why I lived in seclusion for a while.

- Write a farewel letter to Ishani. It took me several days to write a small note to my Ayush but it really made me cry my heart out.

- Has the hospital given you a memory box filled with Ishani's stuff? This will sound morbid. But looking through my son's stuff made the tears flow. Just letting it all out helped me immensely.

- I saved this for last. Can you see a counsellor or therapist? Cutting yourself is most likely a symtom of depression. Please, please get some help.

People will tell you that you are lucky to have other kids. Only a mother that loses a baby will know otherwise. You might have a dozen more, but will still miss Ishani for as long as you live.

I send you by prayers and (((HUGS))).

- Aarti

DS (3 yr)
Angel Ayush (17 weeks)
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2005-12-30
#10
Name: K.Radha
Subject:  thank you aarti
Hi Aarti,

Thanks so much for your reply... I am just so lost as to where I begin helping myself to grieve... I did write a letter to Ishani and her eulogy for her funeral (we had a combined christian/hindu funeral as best I could arrange as my husband wasn't up to it... I've tried talking with my closest friend and my partner but that does not help... When I speak with my hubby it ends up with me consoling him and with my friend I still can't "find" the pain... It is there, I think if Ishani cnstantly but I can't reach that sadness that is inside... I can't explain it but it feels as though there is an obstruction in the way if that makes any sense...

We did get a memory box from the hospital... I was so touched by the lovely gifts we got and yes they do hold a lot of sentimental value... We were given a tiny handmade quilt and a crochet blanket that Ishani was first wrapped in... They took some lovely photos of her in the outfit we intended to bring her home in with a small teddy bear they gifted to Ishani... These things still have her smell as it has been only 5 weeks and as much as it touches me I can't cry.

If it was a matter of me getting over things this soon & having moved on I wouldn't mind but I have not... I'm just 'stuck' and while I know cutting myself isnt a sensible act I can not help myself... I somehow find ways to justify this compulsion... I did try talking with my doctor but I was so jolly & positive that she says I seem to be holding up well given the circumstances... I wasn't game to show her the cuts on my body because I was afraid that I'd have my other children taken off of me for it...

I don't know if I should see a counsellor... I wonder if I will sit there nodding & smiling making all these pretty excuses for why I can't cry... Because Ishani was lovely, because I had 9 months with her, because to all intents & purposes, aside from being stillborn, she was perfect, because I am young & furtile with 2 lovely children already, because many women never bear a child, because other will live with a child that will always bee poorly, because she'll always be looked upon idealistically as she & I will never have a cross moment with one another etc... I can not stop myself and it makes me sick, sometimes I want to scream at myself or punish myself for seemingly being so uncaring, for the lack of hurt that I show... What kind of parent doesn't collapse into a ball of grief when they loose a child? A complete heartless pig and that is how I feel I am seeming to others. And what if in seeing a counsellor I am depriving some who is truly broken from getting help that they seriously need...

I don't want to go thru life with this feeling inside because it needs to come out before I can move on... I even wondered if my problem was simply that I couldn't accept that Ishani was truly dead so I arranged for her to be cremated rather than buried... So that I could truly know that her body was gone, everyone is miffed that I did this as both of our faiths stipulate that a baby should be buried... Since the funeral & cremation I have "seen: Ishani in her cot and raced to check on her despite the fact we never brought her home because she was dead when we first saw her... Sometimes I hear her crying and again I race to find the sorce but we never once heard her cry for she never due a breath... Maybe I am just being stupid I don't know but I just need to find a way to cry out the pain that is frozen... I will take all you advice and try each and everything you've suggested... If nothing else I can say I tried. Thank you again for taking the time to reply to my post and for offering me advice.
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2005-12-29
#11
Name: meera
Subject:  don't lose hope
dear radha
hope u remember me. after i had my abortion i had posted my message and it was u who gave me the strength to go through it. now after reading urs i felt mine was nothing. i have no words to console u but please for the sake of ur other 2 children u should try to be cheerful. i know friends and relatives will be sympathetic to u which will make u more upset.please don't lose hope and this phase will also tide over.
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2005-12-30
#12
Name: K.Radha
Subject:  thank you meera
Hi Meera,

One can't compare loss... The loss of Ishani was every bit as devistating as your miscarriage was... I am more than able to put on a cheerful face with everyone I face inc the children... I tend to wait for everyone to fall asleep before I do anything to myself... Someone suggested I even try a weekend alone because for many they can't cry in front of other, which I do know is true of myself... I've never been able to really cry for any reason in company, I don't know why, but I have always been able to weep alone... It's just that now I have lost that skill and I so need it back...

My entire life seems like one awful event after another and people who know me often comment on that (i wont go into the details of 29 yrs of history but its there) I have such strength blah blah blah... I learned really early on in life that we have to find a positive in every negative because otherwise we'll never be happy... Bad memories will always haunt us if we don't find a way to justify what happened and move on...

I am doing the same with Ishani's death and it is the last thing I want to be positive over... Deep down I am angry over her death, I am so mad that I would have gotten to the hospital in labour only to learn that my baby would be born dead... How can it be that we should have had our hopes raised so high?

Come what may I will find a way to grieve and live through this... I continue my relationship with Ishani even though she is gone... Death isn't the end but a new begining, one doesn't have to say goodbye, they simply say hello in a whole new way...
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