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Role of in-laws > please advice
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Name: Mel
Subject:  Hi Bharti
Date: 2009-11-04
Sorry, I didn't know you replied to my post. It's hard to keep track of messages on these boards as there is no update.
Anyway, could you please let me know if things are still the same ?
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Name: hi S.A.
Subject:  thanks
Date: 2009-07-08
Hi, its being a long time, i was expecting the views from your side, but somehow MEL did not get time to reply i suppose.. Anyways things are still the same and i dont know where i m heading for. He is still taking to her and not changing at all. I am trying my level best to change his mind but he is like....some magic that girl has done i think.
Worst thing is now he is jobless and still dong the same and taking to her. I spoken to him lot of times saying that u concentrate on ur career otherwise u are nowhere..but i dont know what is happend to him.
Please give me some suggestion on this.. what should i do to make him understand the life seriousness.
PLssssssssssssss reply
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Name: Mel
Subject: Hi Bharti
Date: 2009-05-07
You know... from your messages, I feel as if he has gone crazy for that woman. And the only reason for this, is because she may have left him and gone. That is why he is blind to everything. He cannot understand reason. He is just looking for ways and means to get married to her.
If you don't want to give him a divorce, can you atleast move away from him ? Maybe if you and the baby move away, he will realise your loss. I have seen too many instances of this happening. Guys are nonchalant and aloof. And once the woman leaves them, they can't handle it. Only then they realise the value of that person. It's like.... they want what they can't have. UNfortunately, I have a feeling, that she left him, and that is why he has this urgency to marry her. He is afraid that he will lose her again.
That's why nothing makes sense to him anymore, not you, not the baby.
Tell me one thing, where are his parents ? Do they know about this ? Maybe it would make sense to get his parents involved in this. How's your relationship with his mother ? And you said that he had said that he was very young when you got married. Was it a love marriage ? How long did you know each other before that ?
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Name: Bharti
Subject:  hi
Date: 2009-05-08
we used to work together earlier. We met in 1999 and got married in 2003 and i stay with my Inlaws and they knows everything and also tried talking to him but he is not listeing to them as well .According to him its his life and he can do anything with that and if he falls then he will be only person responsible for it. And his parents are not so aggressive that he will listen to them. Their house enviornment is very different that others like everyone think about themselves. Very selfish attitude. So i just ignore them. My inlaws loves my baby very much so they dont want us to get separeted but at the same time they are not doing anything to stop all this. How can i trust these kind of people. I just dont want to talk about them only the thing is that they take care of my baby coz i m working. I am very much thankfull to them.
Now suggest me that how can i change his mind or make him love to us. I just dont want him to come back coz he has no option . I want him to realize and feel the same love which i feel for him.
do u think its possible?
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Name: Mel
Subject:  Hi Bharti
Date: 2009-05-04
From your reply, it seems as if, he was just having an affair initially. I have a feeling that this woman fell in love with him. It's possible that she may have left him, which is when he couldn't take it and that's when he started avoiding you.
Now, that she has realised that she CAN affect him, she is presurrising him to marry her. That's why she keeps calling him and irritating. She is more jealous of you than you are of her.
She must also be chewing up his brains to get married to her soon.
The only other method I can see... is if you make your home environment stress free for him. Make him feel relaxed and happy to be home. (I know this is OBVIOUSLY very difficult to do.) But, try. And don't discuss anything. If that girl calls up, ignore it. Don't cry and don't plead with your hubby.
I don't understand why there is a sudden change in his behaviour... Either,
1. He is trying to be nice so that he can somehow get a divorce. Or,
2. He is feeling guilty for doing this to you and the baby for no fault of yours.
I hope it is the second, and I hope he realises that his wife and child mean happiness and stability for him, and this other woman means insecurity and mental torment for him.
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Name: Bharti
Subject: Hi mel
Date: 2009-05-07
he is not at guilty i feel.He doesnt love both of us(Me & my babay) no attachment at all. He should have some attachment for our baby but i cant see that at all.
Not able to guess what is happening in his mind. He is financially not sound at present might be waiting for money to come and then send the notice. anything can be possible. How can i find out????? and accordingly.
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Name: Mel
Subject: Hi Bharti G
Date: 2009-04-30
Kick him out. Give him a divorce.
Now, I know that this is easier said than done. But, remember, the more you plead and beg and reason, the more he will be repulsed and the more he will try to run away.
Change the game. There is only one chance of getting him back. Change the game. Make yourself like steel. I mean LIKE STEEL.
Call him one night, sit him down, tell him that you have decided to give him a divorce. And that you wanted to have a brief word... if it was ok by him.
Once you both are seated. Be stoic, calm and with a pleasant demeanour. Tell him that your world revolved around him and that it came as a shock to you when you discovered his relationship, but that you now understand what he is going through. Tell him that you are happy for him, and that you are not soul mates. And that you have decided to give him a divorce. He may be shocked... and his male ego will prod him to ask you how come the sudden change. Just brush him off, smile and move away. Try and get some friend of yours to call you up, speak softly and jokingly on the phone, giggle discreetly and make sure that your whole face lights up, smile with your eyes.
I know this is tough. And you have to be careful not to break down while talking to him. MAKE SURE YOU APPEAR INDIFFERENT TO HIM. IF HE HOLDS YOUR HAND OR COMES CLOSE, VERY SUBTLY MOVE AWAY. Tell him it's late, and you're tired. Keep up this charade for as long as you can.
If he prods on... then you're in luck. Tell him that your parents have found a divorcee guy whom you knew from childhood / college. And that there's nothing between you two, but that you are just testing the waters. And if everything goes well... who knows... Whenever you talk about this guy, maintain a slight smile on your face, look excited and shy...
I don't know how to express my feelings, but I can understand what you are going through, and I know you feel like it's the worst thing that could possibly happen.
Be brave for yourself and for your baby. The only way men come back is when they realise the importance and feel the loss of their wives / girlfriends. You have to create that illusion. No amount of emotional blackmailing, crying or reasoning will work. But, this might. I wish you all the best. And I pray that you find happiness.
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Name: S.A
Subject: Hello Bharthi
Date: 2009-06-09
I have gone through ur posts.. Jus wanted to ask howz life going on now ??? Has he changed his mind now??
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Name: Bharti
Subject: thanks
Date: 2009-05-02
Thank u so much for ur advice but i feel if i will tell him that i m ok with the divorce then he will be very happy coz he wants to get married to that girl asap actually he will thankful to me for agreeing on this.
Last one week he again changed his behaviour, he is taking nicely to me,playing with my baby,asking for food, do this for me etc.. i dont know what exactly he is thinking coz his phone calls are very irritating, that girl keeps on calling him in 15 min. he goes out and talk to her, messaging. whenever she calls i get very upset.. i have tried talking to that girl but she is saying this is not happening because of her..i told her but he didnt asked for divorce earlier when u came in his life then only his mind got change so pls leave him but she is asking me to tell him, if my hubby is ready to leave her then she is fine with that. I spoke to her parents as well but they are also very helpless if seems.
I want him to come back to me but not on his terms.I want him to understand that what he is doing?and where he will land up doing this? and how family is important in anyones life.he feels what ever will happend after this he willbe only responsible for the loss. But i dont want him to face that so pls tell me how i can realise him that v r the one who loves him so much and care for him.
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REPLY LIST
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Last 7 Posts of this Board 
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My MIL behaves the same way
Hi, reading your message...i have tears in my eyes cause I am in the sameboat as you. I gave birth to a girl four months back and my MIL is also so very possive abt my kid. The day she was born my MIL never made me sleep with my daughter. For the first few days my milk was not enough so there she got the chance and fed the baby on Nan1 and hence onwards she found this reas... - Namrata [View Message]
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MIL tries to pacify the baby by feeding her(
Hi, reading your message...i have tears in my eyes cause I am in the sameboat as you. I gave birth to a girl four months back and my MIL is also so very possive abt my kid. The day she was born my MIL never made me sleep with my daughter. For the first few days my milk was not enough so there she got the chance and fed the baby on Nan1 and hence onwards she found this reas... - Namrata [View Message]
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YEAH
HA HA I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW GUD IT FEELS, ENJOY.......... - SS [View Message]
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Poor girl
Bet this is a result to how your mum may have been treating her. And these are your mum thoughts and not your own. Learn to give your wife some respect if you want some in return..i bet you want to have relatives every other day at your house and expect your wife to cook and clean for them like a maid.... - SR [View Message]
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Happyyyyyy
Hey - guess what???
My inlaws are off to India for 4 weeks.
Peaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Can' t wait!!!!!!!... - S R [View Message]
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what do you want exactly?
Dear Durga,
I understand that things are too complicated now and its not easy to come out of the problems with out hurting anyone.See,i also have a mother in law and a small child and i am working.so its not that i dont know how you must be feeling.So think hard about what you want.Do you want to leave your mother in law?if yes,ask your brother in law to take her to hi... - ssk [View Message]
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update
Hi ssk,
May be you are right. That is the reason I called her back for my daughter. But when she is not taking care of my daughter, and creating problems between me and husband, I could not adjust. I have some updates after posting the initial message. One daya samll fight satrted between us and she spoke ver bad about me and my mother. And she slapped me without ev... - durga [View Message]
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