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Role of in-laws:MIL and DIL relations
2006-12-07
Name: Job Hello everybody,
With all due respect to all the DILs sharing their opinions in this forum, I understand that life is not easy for a woman who leaves her home of 25 years or so to adjust to the new culture and family ideologies. However, I wanted to ask all the sons and DILs a question of why they have a problem in having parents at their place? Specially the guys parents? Dont you think that they have an equal right over their son as you have over your husband? Most of the hindu marraiges of different cultures are pretty much the same. If you look closely at the marraige rituals, what they mean is that the daughter is married to the entire family and not only to the guy. His parents become her parents and his family becomes her family. That is basically the culture of India. Based on culture and also ethics, i guess, its the responsibility of the guy to take care of his parents and his wife being an important part of his family also follow suit. Dowry related harrassments, i understand should not be considered as that is wrong on the part of the guys parents, and i dont mind hanging them upside down and giving them a good spanking. But, the issue of privacy and independence. Dont you ladies think that they had sacrificed their privacy for their children, just as you would in coming years for your kids. Now, when its time for you to adjust, you want to get out of the responsibility in the name of privacy and independence? Thats the culture of the western countries, and there is nothing wrong in that, but in that case, why dont you follow it completely where a guy gets out of the house as soon as he turns around 15 and starts fighting his own life. Here, you want to stay with your parents till you are 23-24 and as soon as you become financially independent, you want to have your privacy forgetting that just like you were dependent on your parents for the first 20 odd years of your life, your parents are dependent on you for the last 20 odd years of their life. Interfering is definately going to be there, but, can it not be taken in a positive sense and the parents told politely about it? Does there always need to be a fight between MIL and DIL? Specially, when the ladies are all well educated and have excellent manners? The problem, that i have observed with many ladies these days is that they are not able to accept the guys family as their own, so if his parents scold them, they think that no outsider is supposed to tell them anything. Would they do the same thing if their own parents had told them something similar? Also, i ask the guys that what is your priority? Your parents who raised you guys for more than 20 years, or the wife with whom you have spent less than 10 % of that time?? By the way, i am a guy who respects my wife's parents however do maintain that they are not a part of our family, they may be close relatives, however, not an integral part of our families.


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2006-12-07
#21
Anonymous Name: saheli
Subject:  thanks! a healthy discussion
\" Hello everybody,
With all due respect to all the DILs sharing their opinions in this forum, I understand that life is not easy for a woman who leaves her home of 25 years or so to adjust to the new culture and family ideologies.\"
- o really? glad to read that.
Happy to see men thinking on these lines, sharing views. A clear 2 way commn between so called \" budhdhijivi log\" can only try solve these probs.

\" However, I wanted to ask all the sons and DILs a question of why they have a problem in having parents at their place? Specially the guys parents? Dont you think that they have an equal right over their son as you have over your husband? \"
- of course they have. u r right.

\" Most of the hindu marraiges of different cultures are pretty much the same. If you look closely at the marraige rituals, what they mean is that the daughter is married to the entire family and not only to the guy. His parents become her parents and his family becomes her family. That is basically the culture of India.\"
- u r right again. But u r forgetting one point. Its not just the girl who is married to family, the family also has a new FAMILY-MEMBER and not a witch/servant.

What you males forget is: IN A FAMILY, IT IS THE DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY OF EVERY MEMBER TO MAKE THE FAMILY A SUCCESS. Be it your mom/father/even the kid. How many times does a father help in the house? How many times does a MIL share the load?

\" Based on culture and also ethics, i guess, its the responsibility of the guy to take care of his parents and his wife being an important part of his family also follow suit.\"

-True, but one sided again. Have u watched Kabhi Alvida na kehna? Preety zinta asks \" why does the woman hv to sacrifice always?\" and her MIL answers \" kyonki usme zyada takat hoti hai\" . How True. Bt it also has a hidden fact. That .. you men are not so strong to handle both parties. You breakdown soon, you ppl dont share your feelings, you ppl cant decide who is right, and even if u ppl know who is right... you dont have the guts to do justice.

It finally ends up in the female sacrificing but burning inside, and the guy doing nothing (by the way, how many of u guys really follow the point u said? .. do u do it?)

\" Dowry related harrassments, i understand should not be considered as that is wrong on the part of the guys parents, and i dont mind hanging them upside down and giving them a good spanking.\"

- 10 points to u
right u r!

\" But, the issue of privacy and independence. Dont you ladies think that they had sacrificed their privacy for their children, just as you would in coming years for your kids. Now, when its time for you to adjust, you want to get out of the responsibility in the name of privacy and independence? Thats the culture of the western countries, and there is nothing wrong in that, but in that case, why dont you follow it completely where a guy gets out of the house as soon as he turns around 15 and starts fighting his own life. Here, you want to stay with your parents till you are 23-24 and as soon as you become financially independent, you want to have your privacy forgetting that just like you were dependent on your parents for the first 20 odd years of your life, your parents are dependent on you for the last 20 odd years of their life.\"

-might be. But for most girls who start earning before marriage, i hv seen them pampering their parents like anything. Most girls are aware of what u hv mentioned above, and they simply love their parents and pamper them with the money they earn. So i dont really agree. Women like me, who earn, do that even after marriage..

\" Interfering is definately going to be there, but, can it not be taken in a positive sense and the parents told politely about it?\"

- Agree about interfering. Perfecttion is never possible.

- And u r talking about telling politely to parents about it? haha ... who are u telling dear? we wives? It is YOUR responsibility to bell your cats .. which u guys NEVER do.

\" Does there always need to be a fight between MIL and DIL? Specially, when the ladies are all well educated and have excellent manners? The problem, that i have observed with many ladies these days is that they are not able to accept the guys family as their own,\"

- you know, u r not quite wrong. Just like MILs, it is also put in the minds of DILs that in-laws are bad. And some well-educated females forget their etiqettes/manners/COMMOM SENSE/etc and behave like illeterate people by closing their minds towards ILs

\" so if his parents scold them, they think that no outsider is supposed to tell them anything.\"
- this is also right, but not totally. Because, the ILs (in laws) also keep finding faults and scolding/pointing the DIL ... and believe me .. this is more than they wd do with their children.

And everybody has own ego/self esteem (and some educated, earning women have it little more!)

U tell me honestly... wd u like it if ur wife's mother keeps suggesting and nagging you every 3 days? If u say u can take this, then u can expect from us.

\" Would they do the same thing if their own parents had told them something similar?\"
- YES, but if it is say 3 times for MIL, it will be after 6 times for mom. You or we ... we wd object to a nagging mom/dad if its getting on our nerves.

\" Also, i ask the guys that what is your priority? Your parents who raised you guys for more than 20 years, or the wife with whom you have spent less than 10 % of that time??\"

- heheheh ... sara jhagda yahi se shuru hota hai biradar. U men are weak, cant decide whose side. Even if some men see parents are wrong, they keep quiet. And yes, i m not saying they shd fight with parents. m just putting our side.
Another bitter fact is, parents wont b forever. Guys hv to ultimately spend life with wife ... and THEY ARE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DEPENDENT ON WIFE.... khana tak nahi kha sakte biwi ke bina ... revolt kya karenge even if wife is wrong?

Remember .. a man or woman needs a partnet MORE in his old age than any other time of life. And the foundation of this relationship is laid in early years. If start of ur relationship is negative ... remember .. the wife will take it forever and never forget.

\" By the way, i am a guy who respects my wife's parents however do maintain that they are not a part of our family, they may be close relatives, however, not an integral part of our families.\"

- why so? if u expect us to treat hubbys parents as our parents, why not vice versa?
what thought process made u decide this? If u think women is an inferior species, then u dont need to start this conversation at all.

**********

Alright.
Dear 'Job' ... it was good to see a man's line of thoughts on this. Because i m sure many of our's husbands think like u.

U r perfectly right in thinking like that for your parents. Pls take care of ur parents, they hv done a lot for u.

But remember, they are YOUR parents, not your wife's. They will NEVER think same as u for her. Take a simple example - see the way they treat maid/sabjiwala/rikshawala/shopkeepers/beggars .... the mentality is like \" these people suck us, bargain as much possible, and they have no respect/self esteem\" .

M not saying DIL is treated like that.

What i am saying is, these same God-like people forget simple humanity when it comes to 5 mins interaction with people like these. Why will they treat the age-old evil of DIL like their children?

Let me give u a more simple example...

A wife can think of adopting a baby from orphanage instead of havign her own. The \" motherhood\" is inbuilt. She will be like real mother as she develops bond while taking care of the baby.
Now ask her hubby ... he will say \" No adoption, because i wont get the feeling of my own child with this baby.\"

When you cant accept a baby like that (actually the bond lacks), why do u think InLaws will accpet?
***************

Wd love to see ur reply.
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2006-12-07
#22
Anonymous Name: vimpi
Subject:  What Indian Culture teaches
To Job and others,
Indian Culture based largely on Hindu philosophy preaches:
1. One has to prepare oneself to leave the world in a dignified way. Control your drives, ego and desires as old age approaches. Infact it even talks of vanaprastha and sanyasashram. Does anyone follow this culture any more? On the other hand you will see the senior generation wanting to have as much fun as the younger generation Try telling them to read the Gita and they will tell you we have already read it we would rather watch trash on Z tv instead and poke our noses in our sons affairs and ruin his life.
2.Nowhere does it say in any scripture that a parent should go and live in their kids homes and act like it is theirs. This is because in the days when scriptures were written joint family system existed and all old people hung out together and not with their kids. The joint family system broke down after Indian Independance some time in late forties and fifties and majority of those who are inlaws now basically enjoyed living just by themselves and their kids leaving their parents behind in some village or another city. They might have gone to help them when they were ill or gone there to perform their last rites but majority enjoyed the single family structure where they concentrated on raising their own kids. But the same generation now will not allow their children to just concentrate on raising their kids. My MIL even complains all she does is take care of her kids she does not take care of us! Let us not even get into how demanding she is!
3. Our parents generation made so called sacrifices for us so that we may do the same for our kids. Where did this thing come in where parents tell their kids Hey I gave in to your demands when you were a kid so now you give in to my demands?
The Gita preaches \" DO not expect fruits of your labor, just perform your actions selflessly\" . if the current gaeneration of parents performed their actions as per what Indian culture preaches how come they just they have all these expectations from their kids, especially when their own parents just let them go to make their own lives without imposing on them and living with them?
3. For those whose kids are living outside India, when the parents are unable to adjust to a foreign lifestyle why not live in India and follow the lifestyle they were familiar with? Why go there and live with your kids and impose the parents lifestyle on them? Just as they went back to the parnets to stay for brief periods to help out incase their parents were ill or they had to perform their last rites, even the kids living abroard can visit their parents for brief periods if they need some help now and then or if their last rites have to be performed. After all in todays world with all the hitech communication and transport facilities it takes less time for a kid abroad to reach his parents home than it took our parents time to reaxh their parents home in the village! Ther is absolutely no need for the parents to move in with their kids and ruin their life.
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2006-12-07
#23
Anonymous Name: SR
Subject:  I dont agree with you
Hi

I do not agree with you at all!!! You say you respect your inlaws.. but they are not part of your family!!! And at the same time you want your wife to consider your parents as her family!!! That is not fair at all. Your parents are her extended family exactly the same way as her parents are your relatives.
Maybe a MIL should try and learn how to treat the DIL like a daughter if she does not want all the disputes taking place. In my case my MIL is so much sympathetic towards her daughter..who lives in a mansion.. has a full time maid and cook etc.. and does not work...always worrying about her how she manages with her housework etc etc..but no sympathy towards me who works full time.. we have a maid who comes only once a week and I am expected to manage home life and work life at the same time. Such attitudes them make the DIL distant from MILs.
If a guy wants respect for his parents.. he should respect his inlaws.
Just the way a girl leaves her parents for the guy.. the guy can do the same and get a separate house where the couple can start their new life.
I am not saying cutting links with parents.. but help them..look after them etc .. and at the same time give your wife the importance she deserves.
Your wife should be the no1 person in your life... then your parents... as it is your wife who will be looking after you in your old age.. and not your parents. It is your wife you will go to first when you have a problem.. not your parents. It is your wife you will go to when you want your sexual desires to be fulfilled.. not your parents. It is your wife who will be the mother of your children.. not your parents.

Sort yourself out and give some respect to your wife before it is too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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2006-12-07
#24
Anonymous Name: savitha
Subject:  no
while i agree that parents r an integral part of ur life...our mariagge rituals..blah blah...,mr.job, our vedas & upanishads say that after marriage ur spouse(wife) is ur 1st priority..then kids & later ur parents...when some one says bring along ur family, they mean ur wife & kids...not ur parents.family visa is issued for wife & kids. while i am not saying that there shd be disharmony b/w fly members, at the same time man shd not take his wife for granted..if u want ur parents to be loved & respected, do the same for ur in-laws. man has be be smart enough to balance the relationship with his mom & wife. just becuz u r a man, can't tell ur wife or mom its ur head ache u manage. man has to take responsibility to see harmony at home.
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2006-12-07
#25
Anonymous Name: a
Subject:  I have no doubt that you are a jerk
To quote you \" I ask the guys that what is your priority? Your parents who raised you guys for more than 20 years, or the wife with whom you have spent less than 10 % of that time?? \"

Do you think its only a guys parents that raise him for 20 years? Don't the girl's parents raise the girl with as much love and affection as a guys parents? So then what should the girl's priority be? HER parents who raised her for more than 20 years, or her husband and his parents with whom she has spent less than 10 % of that time??

Don't get me wrong. I am not asking the wives to fight with her in-laws or not to adjust with them. But I think if a husband gives his parents more priority than his wife then he should not expect his wife to give him or his parents more priority than the priority that she gives her parents either.
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2006-12-07
#26
Anonymous Name: Not surprised
Subject:  Another typical Indian guy!
We girls are getting sick of this attitude. Put yourself in the girl's shoes and then think what you have to sacrifice to be with a jerk like you! You want your wife to be married to your whole family and you would not think of her family as a part of yours? May God change this dirty mind of yours!!!
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2007-01-09
#27
Name: Jiya
Subject:  In-laws calls everyday sucks!!!!!!!!
I am so frustrated coz my husband talks to my inlaws 4 times a day who are in india and we r in US...which is like having more than required meals per day or rather he talks to him more than he talks to me though i am with him.I somehow wanna cut down the phone calls between them. But its simple not possible. Is anyone in my situation?????
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2006-12-07
#28
Anonymous Name: ABCD
Subject:  WHAT a JERK!!
You want your wife to sleep with you when you want it .... slog her ass for your parents, be your slave and their slave, treat your parents like hers and you mention that her parents are not an integral part of your family....

Because guys like you have such kinds of thoughts, girls don't like a man's parents to be an integral part of \" her\" life!!!!!
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2006-12-07
#29
Name: girl
Subject:  Well said
Yes he is a jerk!!!
Well done to your wife for not respecting your parents!!!
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2006-12-07
#30
Name: hi
Subject:  Yes he is a jerk
Well said ..
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