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Joint Family:Dont want to live with in-Laws
2007-07-18
Name: no Joinf Family I am about to get married to a nice guy. My problem is he lives with his parents. His parents actually belong to a different city and have come to stay with him only on his request. I dont want to live with in-Laws. I want to have a nice private and romantic life with my husband.
Am I a very mean person???? Pls Suggest....how do I communicate to my Fiance
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2007-07-21
#1
Name: helppriya
Subject:  For SR!
They never go out alone, they always go out with their son. even for movies and dinners.it is not their idea of enjoyment.
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2007-07-23
#2
Name: SR
Subject:  Hi
Hi...

I am from the UK.

I think in this case you need to be firm and tell him cos it sounds like you will never get time alone or own space .. or even go out alone as they will want to keep joining you everywhere.
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2007-07-21
#3
Name: helppriya
Subject:  for SR!
are u in the US?
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2007-07-20
#4
Name: Ritika
Subject:  Re:
You can tell him that \" let us live alone for a year and then after that we can decide on inviting parents to our home.\"

I' m just a little curious as to why your fiance would persuade his dad to leave his job and come live with him??

It is always good to be occupied specially if you have been working all your life. And if he is still working that means he is less than 58-60 yrs of age..which is still pretty young to just sit at home.

As SR and helppriya suggested, until you get married, you' ll never know the real nature of your in laws. It might be good or it might be ok or might be bad. The best thing would be to take it slow and only decide on anything permamnent like living together after getting to know them a bit (after marriage).

And you can even tell your husband that his dad will remain more active if he has some work to do otherwise he' ll get bored sitting at home.

About double floors, that' s not going to work much I think...if the whole idea of your fiance is to have his parents with him, then most of the times, they' ll be spending time with you guys.

Just think. His dad and mom will be home all day. When you two come from office, that' s the first time they' ll have a chance to have a conversation to liven up their day. They might want to spend time with their son and expect you to cook dinner for them.

There are a lot of might' s in this and the above is a worst case scenario but the reality is that this scenario happens more often than not in many homes so its better to be mentally prepared.

btw, I still can' t get over the fact that he asked his dad to leave his job and his dad actually did! Is he an only child? But even then....khair...
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2007-07-20
#5
Name: SR
Subject:  Be firm
Hi

I like what Ritika´ s said ..." let us live alone for a year ......"
I am sure after living alone for a year your husband will prefer to carry on living alone.

And having 2 floors, does not mean hen you get back from work and want some space after a stressful day, you can just go upstairs and do your own thing... whatever your day was like, you will have to spend your evening with inlaws, cook for them etc etc. That floor you will only make use of it for your bedtime...just like having a bedroom next to their room.

Once you start living with inlaws it will be very tough to get out.
Please don´ t think too much... be firm now and tell him. Am speaking from experience.. i felt I had lost 2 years of marrriage.. after moving out is when I felt married.
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2007-07-19
#6
Name: no Joint Family
Subject:  Thanks Priya and SR
Well thanks guys. I spoke to him directly last night. He was very very hurt. He had actually persuaded his father to leave his job and shift in with him. He has promised me that we will shift into a house where we have 2 floors so that we can occupy other floor.
His parents are otherwise nice people, they like me a lot and they are of non interfering nature and he is the one who rules the house.
I am a working woman

Guys do you think this solution will work?This can solve my privacy problem also ?
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2007-07-20
#7
Name: helppriya
Subject:  SR is right!
I think SR is saying the right thing. before marriage everyone appears very good but soon after living together you will understand that it will be not that rosy. the two floor home will also be a hassle. try to convince your husband of staying apart in a separate house from the beginning. because if u do that after staying with his parents for a while, it will effect your relationship with his parents. A reason that u can give your husband is that nowadays you hear abt so many MIL-DIL problems and you want to maintain good relations with his parents and thus want to stay apart. All the best!
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2007-07-19
#8
Name: SR
Subject:  No it won´ t work
Hi

I do not think having separate floors is going to work..after all you will still have same living room, kitchen etc.
And as for your MIL.. she will seem lovely etc presently.. but you won´ t know her true nature until you move in with her.
You will start having problems the moment you start sharing kitchen. You will not like her ways.. she will not like yours... when your husband will compliment your cooking infront of her.. she will get jealous.. there will always be this little competition to start off with and it will lead to major problems.
I am saying it as I have been through it..... my MIL before marriage seemed really really nice.. I thought wow I am so lucky to have a modern MIL.
After 6 months of living together problems started.. all her nataks etc Lucky my husband moved out after 2 years of living together but it was not fun.. no space to do anything..they were always there.. even wanting to watch a TV programme of my choice was abit of a task.

Thereofre I feel if you wish to leave separately do it from now..it will be easier to convice your husband now than later..
And you also said you´ re a working woman.. so these MILs do not understand the stresses we have to take from work daily.. but in the evenings when you go back home, all house responsibilities will be dumped on you. I think your husband thinks he is the one who rules the house... but in reality he is not.. end of the day his parents decision will count.. same with my husband.. later he realised he has to go as they say.. so we got our own place.

And trust me having an extra floor or bedroom in the house is not going to resolve any issues.
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2007-07-19
#9
Name: helppriya
Subject:  personal experience
i really understand your feelings. am going thru the same phase since three years, since the time I got married.I expressed my wish to my husband who is otherwise a kind and caring person and he says that if i ever wish to separate, i should seperate from him too. so thats the big problem. he does not understand it. hope your does. or maybe your husband wont live with his parents for long as they may return to their original city. but discuss this with him now because later this will make you really unhappy. I am also like u wanting to lead a private and romantice life, but am sad for I can not do it. best of luck to u!
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2007-07-18
#10
Name: SR
Subject:  No you´ re not mean.
Hi There,

I don' t know what' s with these Indian men wanting to live with their parents!!

No you are not mean just because you do not want to stay with your in-laws.

I think you will just have to be direct with him that you do not wish to live with them.. see how he reacts...and there is nothing wrong with that...explain yo him how you willl not have any space, freedom, privacy etc.. and also you' d like him to be the decision maker .. head of the house.. not his parents.

But better to discuss it now than later.

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2007-07-20
#11
Name: SR
Subject:  Hi HelpPriya
Priya...

Why don´ t you try this? If you want an evening alone then buy cinema tickets or play tickets for inlaws as a present...so you get the house for an evening and they too feel good that my bahu is really looking after us.. your hubby will feel good too. Or if you can afford it, get them a holiday so they away for a week or so.

Try this and then work your charms on your hubby..and if you are going to do it, then do it in a way that its hubby´ s idea to move out.. not yours.. let hubby break that news.
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2007-07-20
#12
Name: helppriya
Subject:  for SR!
Thanks SR. My husband says that he believes in doing the right thing and not the one which makes him feel happy. so I have got a husband of this kinda attitude. I will try your solution sometime. and not much hope that it will work for a person of this attitude, but lets see. and my inlaws hardly ever go out. if i ask them to go out even for one evening, it will be a big MAHABHARAT in our house. one big fault with my case is that he is only child of his parents and if i move out,they will hate me for snatching away their son from them. any way thanks for ur input!
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2007-07-20
#13
Name: SR
Subject:  For helppriya
Hi Priya

I stayed with my inlaws for 2 whole years!!! First 6 months were fine then it was tough...and same with you... when I asked me husband about it.. he always said he would never move out and if I wanted that then I should leave and go. I had one advantage .. every year I had my inlaws go on holiday for 2-3 weeks..so a year later our marriage my inlaws went to India..so I had the whole place to myself for 3 weeks.. I was over lovey dovey to my husband..did things which would be difficult to do with his parents around like romantic candle lit dinners in the house, wear nice lingerie in the house,cooked chicken for him which his parents would have never allowed!! etc etc.. now he really enjoyed this. When his parents came back, he missed it all..love life stopped... boring dinners etc etc.. then came his birthday and I said how about I do this for you on the evening.. he asked me what about mum and dad .. i said I´ ll ask them to go out and give us the house for a few hours.. I went to my MIL and just told her directly I want to plan a romantic evening, can you go out? She was abit surprised but it was for her son so she eventually left that evening... My husband did not like them going b ut at the same time wanted his naughty evening and I told him our relationship was suffering due to this.. and slowly slowly he realised he needed the space. Now if you keep nagging your husband directly to move.. he will not.. but you will have to do it indirectly.... then message will get across better. If you nag, he will do the opposite.. thats how all men work.

Now he loves having our own place and regrets why he never did it sooner.

I really hope this helps.
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2007-07-20
#14
Name: SR
Subject:  To helpPriya
its not letting me post my message
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2007-07-20
#15
Name: helppriya
Subject:  for SR!
How did u convince your husband to live separately? I tried so hard but all he says is that if ever i want to live separately, i will have to leave him too. i am getting so stressed out but he does not understand. I dont have a life of my own and have to listen to all the rubbish my MIL says.
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2007-07-19
#16
Name: no Joint Family
Subject:  hey SR
Yes u r right.....I dont undertsand why all indian men after marriage too have to cling on to their ma and pa. When will they ever learn to grow up. A woman never stays with her parents and she still can take care of them.

Indian men are horribly unromantic people...they are sickos.
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