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Role of in-laws:MIL's Nautanki!!!
2006-07-26
Name: rrr My BIL and his wife have an age difference of 8yrs.Both me and my hubby are younger than my BIL by 6yrs So, my SIL or co-sis is younger to me and my hubby by 2yrs.So whenever there is some family get-together for a religious function or even after a pooja at home my \";MAHAN\"; MIL tells me and my hubby to touch my SIL's(co-sis)feet ,although both of us are elder to her.She says that although my co-sis is younger than us she has to be given the respect she deserves for being the elder DIL of the house!!!
Now,my SIL is an absolute selfish and self-centered person who does not in any way deserve any kind of respect....forget touching her feet....
So pls suggest me ways on how to get rid of this holy ritual .....my hubby doesn't mind doing it as its his Mother's wish....but I just hate doing it.
-A frustrated younger bahu
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2006-08-02
#1
Name: NULLNULLNULL
Subject:  ??
rrr, why haven't you discussed this matter with your hubby. Surely he must understand your feelings. Since yours is a love marriage, i guess you both have a better rapport & understanding. \";Sometimes\"; men come up with good solutions!! be happy yaar, these are small issues which shd not be gievn so much importance. u hv got the hubby u wanted, so enjoy life with him. don't break ur head over how ur sil is. if she is petty let her be so. time will teach everyone a lesson. beleive me, i've been married for 13 yrs, & seen most of it.today because of my patience & endeavour to work at the relationships, i hv fantastic rapport will all my inlaws. its easy to hate anyone, it takes secs to build hatredness, but it takes years to harness good feelings & build up a healthy relationships. i agree some people r impossible,whatever u do, they r not happy. better leave such a person alone & get on with ur life. but make sure that u hv made efforts to maintain a relation, so that no one can point a finger at you. arre masti main jiyo yaar....
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2006-08-02
#2
Name: virgo
Subject:  hello
Dear Madame SR, I have been reading this particular message. Please don't turn this forum in to a mud slinging match. Please don't belittle our culture, don't look down up on desi women. Just because we live outside India doesn't mean that we have to belittle our culture & uphold some other's!! If we don't show respect to our own elders, how can we expect our children to respect us? Always children will not listen to us but follow us. Later on in your life if you don't get respect from anyone, you will have no one but to blame yourself. I have seen this happening to my SIL. She had neither respect to her inlwas & she also fought with her parents, bros & thier wifes. Even she did not acknowledge her new born nephew. Now no one talks to her, not even her own hubby & son. Would any of the modern bahus want to be in this scenario. If you guys don't want any relationship with in-laws, maybe you should not marry at all. In our so called desi culture, when we get married, we are married to the whole family as such. Its up to us Bahus how we live. Godd luck to you my dear modern bahus.
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2006-08-03
#3
Name: SR
Subject:  Hi
Respect it suppossed to be earned.. if in-laws want respect they should earn.
If we treat our children like crap and show no respect to them, then its natural they will not respect us back.
In my case, my in-laws treat my husband like a child. He hates it but they dont listen. I see this and I hate it and it makes me treat them like idiots too.
And also there is no need for RRR to touch her SI:'s feet esp since she is younger than her. And her husband does not need to do it either.
If she does not touch her feet, does it mean she does not respect her?????? NO IT DOESN'T SO GET THESE DESI THOUGHTS OUT OF YOUR HEAD!! Respect should be in the heart, not in touching smelly feet.
Otherwise this will result in feet touching and hatred in the heart.
Understand?
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2006-08-02
#4
Name: xxx
Subject:  to sr
SR. the language & the expression u hv used shows what sort of a person u r. no point in throwing stones in dirty waters.
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2006-08-03
#5
Name: SR
Subject:  Language???
What's wrong with the language I used???
Incase you did not know, 'stupid' is not a swear word. You can check it in the Oxford dictionary.
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2006-08-02
#6
Name: sss
Subject:  go ahead
go ahead, do fight with ur in laws. we so called 18th century people by let going of our ego have high respect & love at our in laws place. the kind of support & love i got from my in laws during my most difficult period of life is unthinkable by u modern dils. go ahead, dig ur own graves, best of luck u pampered, eogistic cows!!!
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2006-08-03
#7
Name: SR
Subject:  I repeat .........
I repeat respect should be in the heart.. not touching feet!!!!
Respect should be a 2-way thing.
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2006-08-02
#8
Name: SR
Subject:  Hi
Its all these stupid people like xxx and kkkk and sss who make us DIL's suffer.
Maybe you all should contact rrr's house and touch her SIL's feet.. oh no maybe wash them and drink the water!!!

RRR has absolutely no need to do that!!
Don't listen to these stupid desi women!!!
You are not in the bloody 18th century anymore!!!!

If you MIL wants their feet touched then tell her to do it herself!
Get lost stupid women!
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2006-08-28
#9
Name: kkk
Subject:  Stupid Desi women
wow. so SR, what r u, ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) ?
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2006-08-02
#10
Name: Tony S
Subject:  for SR
Madam SR, RR is not going to suffer if she touches her SIL's feet. When a girl gets married and comes to another family it is the tact and pact formula which helps her create her position in her marital home. U dont have to be so rude to the other women here. They have spoken their minds a la in a polite way, u could have also done the same. Anyways keeping the argument aside, RR if u are not comfortable touching your SIL's feet then dont do it. But tactfully convey it to her and your MIL like silver has suggested some fundoo ideas, go ahead do it. I am younger to my husbands sister by 2 yrs. But she is younger to my husband by 2 yrs. When we were newly married she used to say i have to do namaskar to u as even if u r younger to me u r my bhabhi and i have to give respect to my bhabhi and believe me I was highly uncomfortable blessing her !!! But then after 3 to 4 times of doing the same she stopped on her own and I am very thankful to her, maybe she thought its not right to touch someones feet who is younger as silver said, their life gets reduced. Use the same tactic and have your way.... All the best
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2006-08-01
#11
Name: sss
Subject:  dil's nautanki
its not your mils but ur nautanki.your attitude clearly shows that u r there not a be as a family member but to create trouble. looks like u r a mischief maker. my adivse to ur in laws wld be to steer clear from ur path.
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2006-08-01
#12
Name: xxx
Subject:  just what do u think of urself
what the hell u think of urself. r u so superior to others? who do u think you r to judge others? GOD??? ur kind of women r the ones who expect everythign out of this world, but not ready to contribute anything urself. u r not ready to accept & respect elders & u guys r the ones who will expect ur dils to respect u..now who is \";disgusting hypocrites\";. learn to respect ur elders. how dare u use such words like mil's nautanki. u want ur inlaws to give a good life for ur hubies.and just after the sons marry, they shd vanish into thin air. is that what u all expect. as kkkk says.GROW UP.
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2006-08-01
#13
Name: kkkk
Subject:  grow up
rrr

u have an ego. u think that just because ur more educated than ur co-sis u need not touch ur bhabhi's feet. i don't think ur mil is doing any nautanki, its u so called highly educated people who are blind. Now stop calling others \";disgusting hypocrites\"; just because ur ego is hurt.
if u don't like touching ur bhabhi's feet, don't do it, thats it. y do u have to show off that u r more educated and modern since u had a luv marriage.

good luck
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2006-07-28
#14
Name: silver
Subject:  good rr!
RR, I think ur cosister doesnt need a cent of respect..so pl dont touch her feet. Of course, I know its hard to get rid of somethings politely.If u dont want to be little rude to her in telling, u can follow some drama..

As I told previously ur co-sis needs to grow up and avoid u such situation herself.but seems she's just immatured and will not give u that bliss.
So, just, this time when ur MIL tell u to touch her feet, Just hug her(yes,u shd be hypocrit with such hypocrats, dear) and say ..\";no, Maaji, I just came to know its not good for her if any elders touch her feet,SO I decided not to touch her fet again , Anyway,I know babhi's blessings r with me\";.

Know what RR, In fact we have that saying in sanskrit which means...younger's life span will be lessened each time elders touch their feet...
It's sad that ur mil doesnt know it at all...So atleast now tell and get rid of it.Probably they can even read between lines ! but anyway, u'll be happier. Best of luck!

It'll definitely work out, RR!

I'm really surprised at ur case and can understand how hard it is to touch someone whome we really dont like...

So, implement some drama to get rid of it... Ur hubby surely understand ur drama and somehow he'll be happy for u atleast he is getting escaped with this nasty thing.

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2006-07-29
#15
Name: rrr
Subject:  thanks again....
Hey Silver,
Thats a really clever answer that I can give....thanks for passing it to me....now, i should be able to convey this thought gently but effectively so that they can "read in between the lines" and I will be able to get rid of this troublesome ritual soon...
Thanks again for understanding my position.
-rrr
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2006-07-27
#16
Name: silver
Subject:  But...
If I were in ur co-sister's position rather I would have courtesly avoided them from touching my feet to avoid such embarassmetn to me and you too.I think she need to grow up ...
Savita, sorry I'm not offensing you but infact, agree \";maa babhi samaan hoti hai...by touching someones feet u will not belittle urself\"; .Waht u said is correct but also view in her cosister's point of view ! She definitely must hav known rr is feeling somewhat annoyed ,then if that co-sis is really matured enough ,she'd have avoided such situation. Is that girl n'joying them touching their feet or what?
I'm not intended to humiliate that system to touch bhabhi's feet. But This is my opinion because Even my hubby doesnt like me to touch his feet after Vritams I perform ,though I'm 5yrs younger to him ...He cant c me to touch his feet or someone's...
Even I have habit of bowing and touching my parents feet while coming back to USA after vacation.And whne I touch my inlaws feet they simply avoid me smilingly .But ofcourse I touch and take blessings anyway.
I feel, when my own inlaws and hubby doesnt like me touch their feet, who is that co-sister to chuckle and bless rr and her hubby?!
Thaytsy this was little surprising to me....!Pl take it easy..it's just my view on it.
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2006-07-27
#17
Name: rrr
Subject:  thanks
Thanks for your reply....
My co-sis has never said "NO"......
My husband willingly touches her feet in front of his mother.....but when we are back in US and visit them......touches only his brothers feet not hers....
All are just disgusting hypocrites....
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2006-07-27
#18
Name: savitha
Subject:  ya
ya silver i agree with u.but if the co sis is immature (or maybe dumb at times too :) )enough to realise this, what the heck in carrying on. you can take someone closer to you into confidence & make this co sis realise that she can politely avoid such a situation. maybe some elderly lady can point out that a person elder to you touching feet will not do good for the younger person or some such thing!! defenitely she will aviod it from next time;-)
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2006-07-26
#19
Name: savitha
Subject:  hv patience
how long hv u been married? hv patience.its our custom to maintain these relationships...as the saying goes bhabi maa saman hoti hai. just give sometime b4 judging anyones character.i also live in jt fly-mil,fil,bil & cosis for a long time. initially there will be some hiccups,but with patience & understanding u can get a better rapport. by touching someones feet u will not belittle urself, instead by ur present atitude u r creating a bad opinion abt urself in others.don't b so immature & give up ur ego.u knew abt the age matter b4,then u shd hv thought such a scenario will appear.or else u shd not hv agreed for this alliance. think b4 u ink & don't blink after u ink!!!
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2006-07-27
#20
Name: rrr
Subject:  patience
Hi Savitha,
Thanks for taking the time to answer my query.Well, I agree with you that touching someone's feet does not belittle me.I do not stay in a joint family and everybody in our house(except co-sis) is highly educated,stay in US and are quite "Forward" when it comes to other things.....except this....
"Bhabhi Maa Samaan blah blah..."stuff was valid lets say a decade back....when the Bhabhi was someone who was really very matured,caring and loving and someone who understood her responsibilties ....and so everyone looked up to her ...
But sorry to say ....my bhabhi is someone who won't even get up and receive guests if they came to her house after 10.00 in the night and blissfully go to sleep......Never wake up early to make tea for guests if they have to go back early the next morning.....aren't these really annoying things.....does a bhabhi like this deserve the same "Maa Samaan" respect?
Infact my MIL wants to be in the good books of her elder son all the time so she has always meated out such third class treatment to me....
Ours was a love marriage and so, NO i did not think about this scenario at all....infact I thought that since everybody is so educated I won't have a tough time getting adjusted....little did I know that education has nothing to do with behaviour!!!
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