Relationships  Discussion Forum

i am regular reader of this board and need some good advice from whomever wishes to reply.
i had sent a previous message also few days back regarding my SIL.now she is coming for a month to stay with us in summers.The problem is i dont get along well with her,i mean she is jealous and nasty female.Keeps on interfering in small things in house.filling my MIL ears,wanting all time and attention from my hubby.i have observed this so i know a little bit of her nature. my MIL is thrilled that her daughter is coming..which is i know obvious.I cant all the time criticize my SIL to my hubby..he dosent like if i keep on critisising his family.But im really tense, she will make my life miserable in this 1 month.i know i should adjust..but she is so wicked and arrogant that i cant stand her behavior.It seems she feels that im some outsider...
i have thought of ignoring her..but my MIL will notice this and feel sad tht i ignore her daughter.she even told me once to talk to her daughter when i had stopped speaking to her for 2 days in some fuss she created.she never tells anything to her daughter, but only to me...my MIL is nice and understanding,but sometimes irritating.Hubby is busy with work...i dont want him to be in tension if he sees im not happy,i hope u understand.
the problem is in spite of everyone knowing her nature and tantrums don' t say anything to her, maybe because she comes once a year to our place...
i dont want to spoil my relations with anyone in my house because of her,so i keep quite but from inside i get hurt.its emotionally disturbing me.Please there are certain matters u cannot share with hubby as well as inlaws so i want a solution.i cannot say that my SIL should not come.This is our FIL house.im alright with in laws,only prob is SIL.please help gg replied. hi my SIL has gone back...im so releived..though she was ok this time but somehow i have got irritated with her so much that i cant stand her face long.i dont know how to explain MIL....she will mind.since the day she has gone im sleeping properly...eating properly.no headache.nobody understands how miserable i become when she is there......i just dont want to talk or even think about her.what should i do? MY hubby wont listen her critisism much... gg replied. hi,

well my SIL is here and as usual im having a bad time.But she has slightly changed,not interfering to much so im ok...whole day busy in shopping.She dosent even sit with my MIL and talk.
But she expects a VIP treatment all the time,actually i feel she is jealous of something cause whatever i say she makes me feel that im wrong.
behaves weirdly...im trying my best to ignore her which she has got hint also but sometimes she gets angry on small small things.all time in anger.maybe its her nature but then atleast she can be pleasent.if i talk to her she keeps on pulling legs or cracking silly jokes on me and hubby.i dont like it.not that she tries to make home pleasent.
anyways she is going back soon........will update later raj replied. I found some good answers to your prblems on this post and am just curius to know how it went this time with you sil,please update asap.Raj raj replied. Dear gg,' first of all congrats on your good relations with your inlaws.
So keeping it good is definitely useful for you.As far as your sil is concerned,so many options there posted already,im adding few more-
Can you go to your parents' place atleast part of the time?Or take upa hobby class or put yoour kid in summer calss maybe then spend time in pick up drop?Or even starting a 1 hour morning brisk walk routine will help you face the pesky situations at home.
Being extra nice to sil is a good option,also you could be deliberaltey formal,couteous drawing an invisble line iwth your words and actions.This may help to some esxtent.
My jethani has a good idea too-she gifts sil\" s family with clothes,new cookware etc as soon as they come home,so ahving received those gifts,they dont feel like spiting and back biting too much.
Most important,keep your cool.Dont get flustered,if sil sees you upset,she wants to do it more.Tough to actually do this but that\" s whee your exercising will help u keep calm.
All the best.This too shall pass.
After she leaves gently point out to your mil that sil' s so and so comment hurt you.Mil will surely get the message. dddd replied. hey gg,the more we feel we want to try to have a good relationship with in laws the more they take us on it and abuse us. So better be distant. See we are ready to make an effort if they do the same. They want to be on pedestal and we shud always be adjusting to make a smooth relationship,its not worth the pain.
So set the terms initially only. Better be bad before than get hurt and try to be firm later and lose some peace of mind in b/n.They are not worth the pain.Be firm when u deal with your Sil.dont let her invade your space be it time with your husband or your home decisions. Becoz that will only be the beginning before they take over our houses.
I too have a SIl. She is married almost 15 yrs before me but acts like a kid in front of me hugging my husband all the time. I spent i think a week immediately after my marriage with my in laws and my husband 2-3 days before he left to US and me 1 week later to him. Till the time he was there she was hovering around him .i was exhausted from engagement and immediately in a week marriage and my husband leaving to US. i wanted to rest as much as possible as i had my own travel to US in 4-5 days time. I cud convince my husband but my SIl wudnt leave our room and want to spend all the time with my husband in the room. I didnt mind much her being with my husband but she wudnt leave me alone or let my husband alone with me.That was a warning signal. She wanted to pack my husband' s things and wanted to accompany us to US to set our home here. i dont know what came to my husband but he refused her coming here and told her my wife will pack.But that didnt stop there she wanted to come here after an year when my husband and i were under stress and wanted to part ways.She said she wanted to set the marriage straight by counselling us. if everybody can do that why are there professionals.Now also she doesnt leave any stone unturned to see that she convinces my husband not to listen to me and only listen to her. Although my husband tries to listen to her i have somehow made him listen to me atleast 10%. for the strong hold she has on her family its a huge positive step for me. She all the time convinces my husband to leave me here and go to her in india.So last when she tried to convince my husband on the fone to do so ,i just snatched the fone from him and told her to back off. From then temporarily she has stopped till the next issue comes up for her to interfere in.
See when i first came to US i told my husband she maybe a adviser to you all not to me so dont ask me to listen to her and i treat her like a outsider. You can also be cold and distant to her and she will realize its not her place to interfere and back off.the reason i told u my case was it might give you an idea as to how to go about in your case.
best of luck .post back. Saheli replied. One option is to be nice, be formal and do what is required, and then go back to your room/to kitchen and do your work. That is, do the required formalities in talking and doing hospitality, dont think too much of what she is replying or reacting, just do your bit and go back to your room. dont ask much, dont involve much, ignore and dont take anything to ur heart. If she inteferes, tolerate her with a smile (and count till 10). Do this till the time she is there. If you cant stand her, imagine you are forgiving her for her childish acts and that you are a more elder, amture person so ignoring her.

Another option is a different one. dont know if you like it, but this may be v successful and just turn the table!
Be extra good to her this time when she comes over. Be just too good to her, praise her, show extra hospitality, take care of her, worry about her little things and just amaze her! Praise her good things to your hubby, to your MIL and amaze them too! If she comes into your bedroom, welcome her and infact invite her to sleep in your room for that night and suggest hubby to go to mom' s room .. something like that. While she is eating, be more nice to her, ask her if she wants more, force her at times like we do to guests.
I am sure, your SIL would get knocked down by this behavior and perhaps be more jealous.
Just be too goody-goody and be an \" awesome host\" this time! Try do it dil-se if possible (forget who you are doing it for, forget her bad deeds, forgive her once and just do it. Leave rest to God).
Though it is difficult to do this (and to suggest too), but if you do this, she will have little place to fill your MIL' s ears. Your MIL would be seeing that my bahu has gone overboard and done so much for my daughter, still my daughter is complaining, this is no good. She my not say to you but will definitely feel so. Your hubby will see you doing this, will hear you praise your SIL, so he will be glad too. Thus, if your SIL does something really nasty, now you have a place to complain to your hubby and I guess he too would do something about it then.

Not sure if this option appeals to you, but hatred or tricks or complaints wont seem to be going to help you out, given that she fills MIL' s ears, your hubby not listening about SIL, etc.
It is possible that due to your good behavior SIL feels ashamed and changes her attitude. Even if she doesnt, you are anyways going to win. hh replied. Name: hh
Subject: maintain some distance
Date: 2007-04-20
Hi gg,

I also facing the same prob... my SIL is also completly jealous of me... from the day one she was filing my hubby´ s ears aagianst me and in front of me she was pretending to be soooooo swt... u won´ t belie... on back she use to call me \" woh aurat\" and on my face she was so swt alwys \" bhabhi-2\" ....
she can´ t tolrate if i sit next to my hubby and became complete jealous if we laugh and enjoy each others company....

In begining i tried to ignore her .. thought its her childish behaviour (even she is married)....THAN we had few confontration as she has some kind of \" ME RIGHT\" problem.... than fights become big day by day....
now we are now more on talking terms.... i simply told her \" U don´ t exits at all for me\"
actually she also resides out of delhi BUT comes after every 2-3 months and doesn´ t go back before 20-25 day!!.. Those 20-25 days are such horrible days for me na i can´ t tell u... and in ur case ur SIL comes only once in a year...
so my suggestion is now u know her nature and top of it we can´ t change anyones nature so pls... try to maintain some distance with her... show that u are busy in your room .... arranging almirah (if you are working than prob is sloved whle in off and whatever tm u spent in eve... try to maintaina distance )

I am telling you distance is the main remidy of all prob in in laws house... this is what everyone has suggested me alos (see my post of \" changed MIL \" in Roles of in laws \" section

Don´ t be rude to her... just show u are busy... and waisay bhi she has for vacation .. u are not on vacation... so u busy in ghar ka kaam and all
don´ t initiate in making palns to go out.... if your hubby makes any plans than happily join them but there too don´ t give zada bhav to your SIL...

the more you get frdly with her she will become jaelous.... there is no way to change SIL/MIL insecure/jealous feeling only maintain distance..

chaloo bye

do tell me what happened this tm when see came...
HH