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Joint Family:Joint Family
2007-05-05
Name: Editor Joint families have unique areas of concern. While some find their in-laws helpful and don't know what they would do without them, others can't wait to separate. Discuss your family situation and get support.
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2008-08-11
#1
Name: pp
Subject:  pls advice
Hi,

I got married 1 yr ago and my husband is younger to me.When we took up the proposal with our parents there was initially some friction from both the sides and finally they agreed for our marriage and also they would clear off from their minds that I am elder to my hubby.My father and me (as my mother expired) went to their Place to formally discuss all these and both our families agreed and got muhurat fixed for our engagement, but I should say that my MIL was not completely Ok with our proposal.When everything seemed to be positive my MIL told my husband that my horoscope is not good and all stupid stuff..but he asked her not to give much importance to that...he discussed the same thing with me...the next day she called me on my mobile and asked if I had boy friends before and did I go for dates with them because its all reflected in my horoscope that I am not a virgin.I was really shocked and felt bad being brought up in a decent family with high values and got scared with all that.She immediately tried to cover up and she fabricated a story before even I told him what happened and gave him her version of the story.It was told that everytime she gives a missed call that I have to call her back as I am earning (I am in corporate world and very independent) .. She told that he had been continuously giving calls to me to apologize and I was not giving a call back,all this I came to know from my husband which is a blatant lie which he believed.I got scared that something wrong was going to happen.She again fabricated another story on what made her to ask such question and she didnt even think about my feelings.

I discussed all this with my husband about my fear that she wont be like that MIL whom he promised me and my brothers that he would give (he promised that he would give me a MIL who is no less than the mother I am fond of)..also I began to fear how my Life would be as I was told that after wedding we have to stay with them as they are completely dependent on us.We both discussed about this and my husband told me that he would be my side to face anything and we got engaged.On the engagement day, I should say that she completely showed her domination being the grooms mother and in her passed verymuch rude comments on my relatives who extended their help to organize the event.I really felt bad for all those but my husbands love and liking towards me made me overcome that..
My father who is diabetic fell sick again and this time he was stricken with some disorder and was not able to stand and walk properly and despair mushroomed me thinking when he would be normal, feeling guilty that it was all because of my decision he took mental pressure and fell sick.This was the time I should say that Ravi stood for me and my father and extended his service as if he were my father' s real son...took care of him..but my MIL still continued her dominance this time she treated my Dad very badly when it came to discussing about muhurats for the wedding which broke him down.At this point of time I got too scared abt whats gonna happen but the astrologer came up with a muhurat which didnt give us much cushioning time for preparations.

Ours is a very affectionate family, and my bros also started worrying about me and how it would be with her once I was married.They asked us to live separately and more so by doing that we could keep our relations proper but due to financial constraints (my husband took a huge amount as a home loan) we didnt plan to stay apart.Also she gave a big list of Silver items,golden ornaments and sarees to be given to her and my SIL during wedding which seemed to me as if they were taking dowry.I showed the list to my husband, he also didn' t support her in this and told her that it was not good to ask for too many things.But I should say that nobody can convince her, she insisted that we give them all those things to keep her and my SIL happy.She also added that she bought me very costly golden jewellery and this wedding is a big thing and comes only once in a Life ..so we had to nod our heads to what ever she said...She was happy with the way wedding was conducted.The point to be noted here is ..the jewellery they gave me was so awful that it isnt the worth she quoted and it was very much evident.

No sooner did I went to my IL' s than my problems started with her, you gotta believe me she is such an awful cook or may be she does it like that esp for us..also our food habits were different..some how I got used to everything.. We both were given a small room which had least ventillation and they took a big room..it continued..she unnecessarily brings the topic of the age difference between me and my hubby and irritates me..my FIL retired completely and everything was on our heads ..financially it became so tight for us as we had to spend everything we earned and also home loan ..and she still wants us to spend more and more ...she is such a extravagant person when it comes to buying for herself and her daughter taking money from us.She celebrates her daughter' s wedding anniversary, birth day in a grand style even though she stays abroad..she drives me nuts..for everything..I feel like visiting my father during the weekends.. as he stays all alone .. I was very fair all the time..I told my hubby that one day we would spend with his parents completely and one day with my dad..which he also agreed ..and we did that for 2 weeks and she made sarcastic comments saying that I was not allowing her son to stay with them ..Also I should say that she has a habit of taking debts from others with out telling any of us..and had given many surpises I should say shocks like these.. and we had to repay her debts ...Also she shows her dislike explicitly thro her expressions whenever we go out to visit our friends..during the weekends ( which was never too often)...frankly speaking my hubby and me never went to a single movie nor a restaurant alone..all the time cooked up with her..We all used to go out for movies and she would sit with my hubby and me with my FIL who is least bothered abt anything which from responsibilites to money matters and completely a puppet who dances to my MIL' s tunes..She never liked us (me and my hubby) which she showed very much evidently by not celebrating our first wedding anniversary..she put a long face all the day ..she never understood our financial probs and always had many more expectations...like buying jewellery, car and sending them for trips..which she asks I should say eats our brains... and didn' t happen.. Now my husband' s job took us very far from my IL' s and I had to leave my job...we are no better financially..She insteading of understanding us...still takes so much money more than what is needed.. my husband gave her a debit card and credit card...and she as usual spends too much.Its been more than 9 months my FIL retired and they are not even enquiring about the pension and other benefits.My husband never says no to what ever she does...though he supports me he is extremely sensitive to anyone' s needs esp her mothers..he gave her debit card and credit card and shes taking all the money...It happened like he initially left for the place we are living and then I had joined him in one months time..During that time I stayed with my father..which was not welcome for her..and she sarcastically commented many times for that..I even visited one day during every weekend and used to get my dosage of embarrassment ..all this I did to keep my husband happy....When I finally decided to fly she came to my fathers place and hurt me like anything with her comments as if I were the person to drive take my husband away..also I forgot to tell you her daughter and SIL were coming back as their project abroad ended.She prayed for her daughters project extension so that she may not face any problem with her MIL who also lives in the same city and her daughter would suffer once she comes back...I dont understand why all MIL' s think like this..when it comes to their daughters they should be happy ...when it comes to Son and DIL she takes all their enjoyment for herself to be happy...I had told many times my husband abt this behavior of hers and he also knows it...but he tells me that I am taking things too seriously...I had given all my money to him and his family...frankly speaking I didnt get any gifts or treats that any other normal woman gets from her husband..all this I can understand because of the financial constraints he has...she also says it often that she wanted to enjoy her son' s salary and he married me...but she never understood one thing properly that shes also enjoying my salary too..After I came here, her daughter went back and now is staying with my MIL along with her family. My husband asks me to call them and speak to them..both my SIL and MIL..I dont know what kinda person is my SIL but I know shes reserved and is least bothered about things here..

My husband is sandwiched in btn us many times..for all that his mother starts.. Please tell me how to handle her..also I would like to take advice from you on how to tell my husband to draw a line when it comes to giving money to her...I am worried abt that..also he has plans of getting them here...on a visit..he really loves his parents...and I feel its no crime...but I have a strong feeling that she likes his money..than him..Also I began to hate her somuch..for all that she did...I want to take a break ..Also we took some $4000 dollars from his parents for our VISA needs we had to show it as a balance in my hubby' s account and didnt repay it ...we are not settled compeletely to pay back and had paid more than what we took ...as I told that monthly we are spending more than $1000 to meet all their expenses...Pls advice me on how to draw a line ..so that my relation ship with my husband doesnt turn bad...
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Last 7 Posts of this Board
RE:Mother In law controls money matters
Hello dear this is really sad to see that you are facing so many difficulties but then this is life and i think you should accept the fact and start preparing for yourself and start directing to yourself to be strong
enough to handle all the problems.... - Anita [View Message]
RE:Mother In law controls money matters
Oh dear what is going on and why are you not informing to your parents about the same as they can surely help you in this matter and can guide you properly that what can be done in this matter as well,please according to me you should speak to your parents right away.... - Anaida [View Message]
RE:Mother In law controls money matters
Oh dear this is really sad to see but then why are you not speaking up the same with your mother in law as she can might open up with you can tell you what is the exact problem and might then you both can remove some solutions about the same. All the best dear.... - Anu [View Message]
RE:Mother In law controls money matters
Oh my dear this is not going proper and i can see fishy things happening please be very clear with your husband as i feel that he is doing the same purposely and you are been cheated, please be very serious about this and you will come to know about the truth.... - Anushree [View Message]
RE:Mother In law controls money matters
Hey dear please be calm and relax and start investing money in mutual funds and you can also start with 500/- per month please start doing the same as you will get good benefits after some point of time, please take this seriously and you will get benefits for sure.... - Suman [View Message]
RE:Mother In law controls money matters
I think you should not worry at all and you everything will be fine, please do not worry dear as god is great and god will surely help you and bring you out from this problem for sure just be positive and have patience and you will get the due what you are looking for.... - Sujata [View Message]
RE:Mother In law controls money matters
Hey dear this is not a big issue and i think you should sit with your husband and make him understand the need for the home and explain him what had happen should not repeat with you guys and i think he will understand the same and will get the results.... - Shikha [View Message]