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Joint Family:Inlaws visiting US
2006-04-11
Name: Pooja Tiwari Dear friends,

I really need some help here. I got married in 2003 and have been in US since then. I am on H4 visa, so didnot work all this time, I hold MS degree from India and was doing internship when I got married so I donot have any work experience.

My inlaws are very greedy people. Right from the start of marriage, they wanted gifts, car, gold and air ticket to US. My parents are middle class people and have given me good education to stand on my feet. The moment I stepped in the my inlaws home, they started saying all bad things about me, my father. My F-I-L said whats the use of giving so many gifts to me...I never touched anything they gave me and didnot carry it to US. I just hate anything which is not given to me with kind heart.

I didnot say anything then, came to US after 1 month of marriage, and started looking for work. I didnot get any work because of slump etc. My F-I-L said oh so what do you do the whole day? just sitting, MIL said - its your holidays now, why you people go to so many places? BIL also abused me a lot, saying I can digout what was in your past? I am highly educated and belongs to a good institute, that made them think I am marrying just because I am heartbroken or something. But thats not true. I really fell in love with hubby. He is a kind hearted and loving soul.

Now here is the problem - I went to India twice in last 3 years. Last time I went, it was BIL wedding. They demanded car etc from SIL and they also gave it to inlaws. So MIL behaved differently with me. Gave me stares, no importance, as I also donot have a job. Also, I am trying for a baby since last 2 one and a half years. And that also is not happening. So may women from my inlaws side abused me...I felt so bad.

Now my inlaws are visitng us in US. I donot feel anything for them now. The way they have behaved with me, pinches me so much. They have hurt me hard and deep. Now when hubby expects me to ask them, how is the preparation going and all, I donot feel like asking. I feel numb. Now my and hubby are fighting 'coz he wants me to welcome his parents and I donot want to. I donot know how I will react this time when they are around here.

I am really scared of everything. And may be I will also get my work permit in another 2 months, they will be here then. They will definitly pester me at that time, as why I am not getting job? and all the stuff. MIL did not allow me to cook in her kitchen. Now I want to give the same thing back...but huby doesnot understand this. He thinks his parents are very good and whatever I am saying is not true. My problem is I feel so much insulted.

What should I do to feel good about their coming? How I will behave in front of them? Should I ask them why they did all this to me? or should I let go? Has it happened to any one of you gals? how did you react? how did you cope up with the situation? Till now, I have been very silent about everything. Didnot say anything to BIL MIL FIL. but I now feel why not? I donot have any right or what?

Please help me gals...any suggestions to keep my cool, to behave properly, to stay calm and composed??

Thanks for listening!
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2006-06-29
#1
Name: khushi
Subject:  Hi Pooja & all suffering DILs
Nothing irritates your enemy more than the fact that you did'nt get affected by his/her attack. So girls/women please stop thinking about those drama queens & competition to Maniratnam's and start enjoying your life. Start enjoying your life with or without your precious hubby's support. To be really frank with you most of the Indian men are cowards and they don't know how to respond in an appropriate fashion for majority of the things. I also believe that most of the SUPER SMART Hubbies keep showing on the outside how liberal and open-minded they are when they believe deep down that their wife should serve as a slave to his parents and MOST IMPORTANT TO HIM. All pretending hubbies would sympathize (if at all they do) with you on the outside but it does not even take them 5 seconds to forget what you went through. So gals pull ur-self up and start living, cause their will be no one to even wipe ur tears. Learn to live more independently, financial & emotional independence is the key. LEARN IT NOW!!!
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2006-06-29
#2
Name: khushi
Subject:  hi
Good idea
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2006-05-26
#3
Name: Nishant
Subject:  Avoiding the situations
Hello Sarika/Pooja/Saheli/.....,
Im married for one year now and me n my wife love each other very much and are quite happy with each other. Im 27 now and have been living with my parents for first 24 years (changed place later due to job).
Firstly, I want to respond to one critisizm posted by Sarika \";What hurts me the most in all this is that hubby does not understand how bad his parents are\";. I want to clarify here that there are a lot of factors influencing a persons mind on deciding if his/her parents are good/bad/ok/....
A boy who has grown up with his parents by his side and who has enjoyed their support and love for all these years is bound to imprint in his mind that his parents are good. Esp. in case of arranged marriages, he tends to mistake his wife is wrong at times. Also, not all parents are bad, some are just traditionalists (history would have occured to them too during their marriage) and the ladies just want to take control of all situations just as their MILs did when they got married.
Now, here comes my situation. From all that we've spoken (me n my wife) before marriage (ours was a love-marriage) and having been with her for more than one year now, I gather that she was raised by her parents who had different views on many minor things (individually, they are minor, but together they create a different image). She has contrasting ideas on many issues and we are slowly learning to compromise and give in to whose thought is the best for that situation. So far so good. My father has applied for voluntary retirement and my mom is applying for a transfer to our place. So, they can be here anytime after 6 months from now.
The problem is that my mom is _VERY_ possessive about me and sometimes, I accept, shows more partiality towards me. My wife cant take it. I also understand why she cant stand it as (unfortunately) she lost both her parents. Also, there are some things from my moms side. My mom grew up from a very poor financial state and it is in her blood to save every rupee even if that means she has to strain herself physically (walk or take a bus instead of auto/taxi etc). My wife (just like me) is generous with money. My mom accepts my spending but frowns (doesnt say anything though) when my biwi spends for autos etc. She is being traditionalist here (which even I dont support). Now, we are beginning to think of the consequences if we stay together as a joint family. My dad is ok with everyone as he is practical and logical (yes, even my wife says so, so no issues), but my moms behaviour can sometimes ignite a spark in my wife and she dumps the fire on me. Since I know, for now, it'll pass, I take it, but if that becomes a daily situation, I might not absorb it.
An alternative is to live as a nuclear family, but Im their only son and we dont want them to stay separately like orphaned parents. Even my wife doesnt like them to stay away. Only thing is she wants my mom to change, but this is _almost_ next to impossible (you cannot change the attitude/behaviour of a person who's been like that for the past 50 years).
What am I to do? Im thinking seriously about it. Yet, I appreciate any inputs from you ppl. I can also be reached at nishant dot psychologist at gmail dot com (Im not a professional psychologist, its just my part time hobby... :) )

Cheers,
Nishant.
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2006-05-06
#4
Name: same boat
Subject:  let's talk
hi,
my GOD we are same!!!!!!!! I know how you feel. you know what I did I just called my MIL and said why are you doing all this to me. my inlaw are also not nice(MIL,FIL,BILS and his newly wife.) my hubby is elder and has 2 bros. 2nd one just got married. i've in us since 11 yrs. and i got married in india in 2002. my inlaws are very greedy but they pretend very nice. they never gave me respect. my MIL was not happy with my pregnceny i was depressed and had a misscarriage. she has a black tounge. I HATE HER. They are also visiting here next month. mil insult me so many ways. gimme your email id we will talk. iam not relax.
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2006-05-16
#5
Name: Sarika
Subject:  Hi
Hi sameboat.I have given my id here.My in-laws gor visa yesterday.Please email me on either swisschocolate1 at indiatimes dot com or send2adoncia at yahoo dot com.
It will be of great help for us to make friends who are going thro similar problems.
Take care,
Sarika
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2006-04-25
#6
Name: mann
Subject:  we all r sailing in the ssame boat
I also have the same problem pooja..can u guys help me 2 join me also in ur gang ..pls give me ur emailid 2...after hearing my story Manirathanam will make a new movie ad it will get best film award also.
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2006-04-28
#7
Name: Sarika
Subject:  Hi
Hello Mann,
I am in the same boat and in-laws going for visa mid-may.GOING CRAZY HERE!!!
email me on swisschocolate1 at indiatimes dot com.
And Pooja give me some other email id yar,that one does not work i am unable to send there.
Ok then,
take care,email me Mann
Sarika
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2006-04-12
#8
Name: Pooja
Subject:  thanks
Hi saheli,

Thanks for such a detailed reply. You surely sound experienced and like a saheli!

I also used to think that once I have a kid, they will become different. They will start loving their grandkids...but I have been trying to conceive since a long time but no luck yet. Hubby is also not ver supportive of the medical procedures. I started few tests with me, which came out normal.

You are so correct when you say I never can think that someone can hate me so much. We are 4 sisters are loving parents. They made us self sufficient. They never ver made us think that we are gals...full freedom. It suffocates sometimes.

Also, thanks for the suggestions. i have decided to welcome them...but not to love them, not to think to much about them. To just be a bit distant, and to enjoy my life...coz I have just one. I am feeling calm and composed..and would try to continue it.

Thanks again!
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2006-04-12
#9
Name: Sarika
Subject:  hi
Hey Pooja,I am not able to email you.I recd your email and wrote a reply but i got it back as failure delivery.Plz email me again with a different id if you have one.
Sarika
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2006-04-12
#10
Name: Pooja
Subject:  hi
Hi sarika,

I will mail you with other id. Thanks for sending this message.

Pooja
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2006-04-12
#11
Name: saheli
Subject:  hang in there
Hi Pooja,
Read your mail and believe me ur not the only one with this plight. See any new relationship requires adjustments. Ur in-laws have never lived with you and so u r a new person to them so they will disapprove of everything. But gradually as the years pass by, you have kids then u will have more say in things and they will get used to u and u to them. But the road is going to be a tough one and u r going to face some rough weather. But always remember in the end you will emerge the WINNER.

So first biggest thing is learn to ignore them. U do what u want to do. Don't feel obliged to please them or do things according to them but never fight. Be oblivious of ur environment and do things that please you. I understand you don't have a job yet but can you try volunteering somewhere in the library or hospitals etc. U will good about ur self.
I went through a lot of dispproval and hatred from my in-laws too. But eventually they learnt to live with me and I with them.I still disapprove of them and blame them for ruining my life but I learnt a lesson in the process too to be strong and independent. I lived a sheltered life with my parents and then suddenly I was shocked to see that somebody hates me so much and disapproves of me so much.

Hang in there!! I think in Indian community a woman gets a status once she has kids. When I had my kids I got the status of the mistress of the house. Now I feel that I don't owe them anything. If I should feel thankful that they gave me a nice husband then I gave them nice grandkids too. So that got evened out. So I am like mera koi udhaar nahin hai unpe ab. Sab chuk gaya so I don't pay attention to what they have to say about me. If the old people want to take advantage of their age and treat us bad or nag us all the time then considering them old and senile I can also royally ignore them. Why should I care. My inlaws always have something to complain about me, so I just think they are old and senile and I should'nt pay attention to such people. I keep doing my own stuff. If u never got wisdom with age then how do u expect me to be wise and mature at my age. Ok due to my upbringing I will never raise my voice against them but atleast I can ignore them.
Just worry about ur self. Take care of ur health, education and do everything that makes u happy.
Don't fight with your husband. Just pretend to welcome. Don't complain or bad mouth them coz ur hubby will never get it. No point in ruining ur relationship. But remember someday he will see ur point of view though he may not admit it.
This relationship with ur husband will get better with time. It takes a lot of time. I am married for 11 years now and my inlaws live with us in the US. Earlier I focussed so much on them that I was almost paralyzed with anxiety as to when they will leave so I can have a breather. I was waiting to live but I can't do that anymore coz I have one life to live too. So I ignore them completely and do what i like.
U will get a job and once you get it u will feel much better..
Just wait.. Not all days are alike.
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2006-05-06
#12
Name: same boat
Subject:  Seeking Mental Help.....
hey saheli tumne to muje mein jaaan dall di yaar. please give me your email id. so i can live more years. you have the gutts to take fallen person. THANKSSSSS. good luck. may GOD give you all happiness.
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2006-04-11
#13
Name: Sarika
Subject:  exact same situation:(
Hi Pooja,I cannot believe this.My story is almost exactly similar to yours.I also went to India last time for my BIL'S wedding.I faced the same stares,lack of importance etc.MIL is so so jealous of me,bcoz my hubby loves me and one more similarity,my in-laws are also going to get their visa done next month and may visit us soon.
In fact just last night my hubby and I had a huge fight and we went to sleep at 5.00am.All are fights are regarding in-laws always.I have been through all this and i am also unable to cope.I am sorr i have no good advice for you but just wanted u to know that i am in the exact same situation.Reading your story felt like i am reading mine.
Please don't get disheartened,things will get better.For how long do they plan to stay here?
What hurts me the most in all this is that hubby does not understand how bad his parents are.This really gets me.All i want is him to know and support me.
I don't know of that will happen ever.
You can email me on swisschocolate1 at indiatimes dot com.Maybe we can get to be friends and help and support each other.
Life is crazy for me right now.I am all the time thinking what will happen of they get their visa.Bcoz of how much trouble they agve me i feel jealous about why they should come to my home and enjoy.
I am losing my mind and health and it would be great to have a friend in a similar situation who will understand what i am talking.
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2006-04-11
#14
Name: Shakthi
Subject:  Reply
>> My inlaws are very greedy people. Right from the start of marriage, they wanted gifts, car, gold and air ticket to US. My parents are middle class people and have given me good education to stand on my feet.

I know how u are feeling. Because I have been in that situation. I think, more than 90% of Indian Brides have undergone this problem of InLaws getting money from the Bride's family. I know it hurts deep when u realise, that ur parents gave their sweat and blood to educate you, whereas these inlaws who had no control over u and ur family previously, suddenly jump into your circle, and get money, car , jewellery to get their precious son married, to you.


Life sucks girl!!. Was I able to stop them, when they asked for money during my marraige. I did not have the courage to do it and face the future of my actions. I did not do it. So Partly the fault is mine. I have made a decision not to ask for any money of any sort, if I have a son in the future. This is all we can do Girl. Can you go back to the past and undo things. You can't right? So Just let it go.
If by God's abundant grace , u get a job, do not forget to send gifts to ur mom and dad, just to let them know how much u appreciate their efforts for ur success
Once u start working , I don't think ur husband will mind u spending a few dollars from ur pocket for ur parents


>>The moment I stepped in the my inlaws home, they started saying all bad things about me, my father. My F-I-L said whats the use of giving so many gifts to me...I never touched anything they gave me and didnot carry it to US. I just hate anything which is not given to me with kind heart.

God has given us a left ear and a right ear. U know y? To take things thru one and let go thru another, if u don't like what u hear ofcourse.
These kind of verbal insults happen all the time all the place. U think only Indian InLaws suck? No even, the western Mother In laws verbally hurt their daughter in laws. The only difference between the west and us is we daughter in laws keep these things to ourselves and just vent our feelings to friends/hubby/our side of the family. But these western women walk out of the whole marraige. Did u know the N0 2 problem why divorce rates are high in the US is because of IN Law trouble.(No 1 is FINANCE).
All daughter in laws are in the same situation.Some accept it some do'nt. Only girls who have married orphans, seem to escape from verbal insults.

I have tried and tested a whole lot of approcahes to the INLAW problem. Believe me. I think I have googled a zillion times searching for dealing with INLAWS. But from experience I am telling you, learn to ignore. It is not the easy way. it is very hard. Even if you ignore those crude remarks, cold stares, those crocodile tears and the sentimental dialogues that make even MANIRATHNAM rethink about his career plans,those memories will come back to haunt you even after ur inlaws have left the country. All these years we were around people , who loved us a lot and did not think we were competition. But suddenly when we find ourselves in different waters, we feel like we are sinking and fighting a losing battle. But the truth is we will learn to swim, with the current. That is nature. Very soon , they will grow old, and we will not be able to understand what they are saying thru their teethless gum.

Do not try to love them. I feel it is a losing battle ground. Instead, learn to be patient, and most of all learn to let go.






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2006-04-12
#15
Name: Pooja
Subject:  hi
hello Shakthi,

Thanks a lot for your long detailed reply. I do agree that Indian gals have to go through so much at such an IMP part of their life. Marriage should be a beautiful experience. But the moment Indian females get married, they cry cry cry....

I also feel the same - my parents made me what I am today - why the hell I should give inlaws a share of it ?? I mean to hubby is good...but why to them?? Do they give something to my parents as a token of appreciation??

Hmm...well, I also think about this - what I will do when i will become a MIL?? My elder sis has decided not to go for any kind of gift, dowry etc for her son...he is small now, still.

I will definitly help my parents once I start earning - come what may!

And a good idea about the left and right ear...I will try not to take things to heart and just do my work and enjoy my life!

Lol about the manirathnam stuff...I really laughed at it...I even have one episode of my MIL related to this, she came to Airport to see off me and hubby. She cried cried cried all the time. On the airport, she said - so what would be the ticket for 3 people - what she meant was the kid...hell, I have been trying since 2 years for a kid, I feel so bad.Can't we even take care of our own kid?? and if she thinks so much about ticket, then why the hell they are coming to USA??? No reason??

yesterday, I had big fight with hubby. But I have told one thing clearly to him - I am not going to repeat anything which has happened to me all these years but if his parents say one more word to me which is bad, i will ask then and there, whats their problem?? In front of hubby I will confront...

Good suggestion - donot try to love them - and try to let go.....well I am trying to let go of the past....but in future, I will definitly ask them - if they dare say anything to me....

thanks a lot for listening to my rant, ram kahani...feels good to have support...mann ka bojh halka ho jaata hai....
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2006-04-11
#16
Name: Sarika
Subject:  Thanks Shakthi
Hi Shakthi,your advice to Pooja is excellent.I am going to follow it myself.
I was laughing when i read how their crocoldile tears could make Manirathnam rethink his career plans.That was so funny.
Thanks a bunch for the advice.I have written my email id in the other post.If you want we all can become friends and help and support each other.I am need of more friends who UNDERSTAND.Many of my friends have had problems with in-laws but many refuse to share and like to put up a happy front.Also there are others who have problems but different types.It will be great to make friends who have been thru what i have been thru.
Alright then,
Sarika
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Last 7 Posts of this Board
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