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Joint Family:Can U heal my Pain :-(
2006-01-04
Name: Saras Swamy Why is my Question? All I do is answer them back when they are very mean to me.... And I have stopped doing that for most of the time

Why .... is it that DIL's have to be like a cow with a bell tied in her neck and should take all the crap of their in-laws & husbands?

Its ok for their own daughter to live all alone with her husband and enjoy life but when I try not to even think of separating my husband & in-laws, i am bad?

Its ok for my in-laws to call my SIL's in-laws criminals but not see what they are doing to me?

Married to a man from a totally different culture and learning his language, culture, food and everything, still my in-laws complain - Why?

They are perfect and are always right but I despite being educated and civilized and don't harm anybody am the worst women on earth - Why?

I don't stop my husband from helping their parents, don't stop my children to mingle with their grandparents - still they think I am bad?

My in-laws have told on my face they hate me just because I did not want them to buy a house next to their daughter (only because we would treat my SIL with more love & respect if she lives a little far off)

My in-laws have told me that my children are side neighbour kids

They behave nicely to me in front of their son & treat me like crap when he is not around

My husband is started to physically abuse me and asks me to leave the house & divorce just because I back answer their parents,.... I don't understand why he married me in first place.

He says his parents have gone thru hardships in bringing him up.... whose parents haven't? And if they have then he shouldn't have married me in the first place and taken care of his parents and not ruin my life, only if I knew how backward his parents are, I would not have put myself into this.

I admit, I was a very short tempered, stubborn girl when I got married and my in-laws frequencies did not match with mine, they are very unclean people, very backward minded, always feel they are perfect and can't be wrong. I changed myself and have started be patient, taking they crap and not back answering for most of the times but it hurts because my bad side once in a while shows up because of my intolerance.

My faults - always want to do good for others. Always want to sacrifice for others. If I am sick but my in-laws need me I will think of them, If I had plans I cancel them because they need me. My SIL thinks very bad about me because I answer back to her parents. My in-laws always compare me to her saying she has dealt with such bad in-laws. I can go on and on for the millions of insults I had to suffer and continue to do so.

I have read so many topics on this MB about trying to ignore, trying to act - truthfully thats not me. I can't put up a face of joy when I am sad. I can't hurt someone like they do to me.
Please Help if you can feel my pain :-(
Thanks
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2006-01-15
#1
Name: abc
Subject:  my thoughts
Hello friends,
Read so many suggestions.
I understand that we all are answearable to God and all.. but God has also said..
ki atyachaar sehna bhi bahut badaa paap hai and i beleive it because it gives a boost to the atyaachaar.
So, i beleieve that we should not give in to any atyaachaar and at the same time also define a limit..
if it is a sin to spearate the som and mother .. it should also be a sin to keep threatening the wife or the DIL of divorce and wanting her to either accept everything or become a slave.
So, i would say.. all girls become independent.. and respect yourself too.
our society needs to change. and we have to do something abt it. starting from the arranging of marriages.. where before asking the virtues of the girls they ask ki \";shaadi main kitna lagaa denge\"; to all the tortures that we have to go through.
if they respect us.. we respect them.
if they care abt us. we care abt them.
and so on.
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2006-01-09
#2
Name: Friend
Subject:  now i am not guilty in front of God
Friends
I did not plan to reply though was reading the messages always. Somehow, JointFamily's reply has encouraged me to put in my 2 cents. This message is not intended to anybody, and my objective is to collect thoughts of all you DILs like me. (I mean - i have been feeling like this always, so what do you think abt it with regards to me, or to yourself. This is a sincere and honest question because i hv never been able to discuss such things with DILs around me as they were relatives.)

I am also a DIL, working, earning well, kids, etc etc. Also sufferred like you all because of my MIL (have no FIL). Like you all, i too changed myself, adjusted to a long list of things, and finally decided to revolt!

But here are a few things I asked myself about before revolting along with answers my conscience gave me, and i still focus on the same:

- what am i exactly expecting when i plan to revolt? An ideal family?

- if i dont like my MIL's behavior with me, what is it that i want? Do i want the house to be managed, run and dominated all by me? (probably yes) Is that possible (no)?

- if thats not possible, what is the next thing I can aim at? Split the family (no)? Some golden middle (could be, it will mean accepting some humiliation for life)?

- what is a family for me? what type of family can i expect practically from such constituent members? whose responsibility is it to make a house successful?
(It is of all the members, from my MIL to my son. So whats the expectation from each member? Simply put - to share the family's load as per capability and respect each other. Is this happening? No. My MIL is not sharing the load at all and not respecting me too. But everybody else is doing that, more than that.)

what can be done about this? (hubby should talk to mother). Will he? (No. He loves me but doesnt speak even when i am humiliated. Perhaps he doesnt feel mom is too wrong).
(Then i made my hubby come out of his shell and realise whats wrong/right. This is a partner's duty in every such case - come on, you are married to him right? Your ego should not hurdle in, thinking 'why should i not be myself?' as BeenThereDoneThat says. He needs help and you are the one to help him - think as a friend, as a third person, not as a wife. And it was simpler to achieve this. Now he understands and supports me. I know now that he will not ask for separation when i revolt. So first step is achieved!!!)

- How and when should I react to MIL and when should I not? What shd be my limits? (when i feel i am not wrong, or when she blames my upbringing)

- i remember, before marriage, there were thousands of instances of difference of opinion with my mom and she had also scolded me for that. Why am i not angry with her now? Why do i get angry with MIL?

- i have a son. Kids \";trouble\"; us a lot (we dont feel it as a trouble). Just think about it. Why was i not bugged when i was awake for him all night when he was ill, and so many such nights? I am not expecting anything from him, its just my love for him.
Why do i go above and beyond to do things for my hubby (because i love him so much)?
When i can do these for hubby and son, why cant i try that with MIL once? Am i being partial? (probably ..yes)
Forget huuby/son, i try and go above&beyond in my job too. Why not once with MIL?

- have i done my bit of role in this? (Not really. I still look at her like MIL not mom. I have not tried to love and respect her like i do for my son, hubby or mother.) Is she worth it? (May be not. May be yes. Let me try once. At least in front of God I will not be guilty.)

- At the end of the day, she is a mother, old, weak, alone (no hubby) and definitely feeling insecure. All this might be affecting her power to think and she is becoming crazy. So whats my duty? should I not adjust 20% more than what I think is the limit? Will I not be like this at her age?

So here i am today, friends-
As you all can expect - MIL dint change. Hubby supports me, speaks only once/one sentence against MIL when he feels she is wrong, but doesnt argue further. I answer back when I feel she is not being human to me. As an effect, MIL's arrogance has come down. She has reduced pointing me out for every second thing.

The golden middle has not yet reached, probably it wont. At least things are at ease.
Most importantly, I am not guilty in my view.

Tomorrow when I die, I dont want God to point me for hurting a mother, for separating a mother from her son (thats a huge sin).

Now that I have done my bit and I am true to myself, everything that my friends \";BeenTheredoneThat\";, \";Saras\";, \";JointFamily\"; say can be true!
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2006-01-30
#3
Name: Rajkee
Subject:  Liked reply
While reading this column came across this sensible reply to joint family issues.Therefore posing my question.Iam workingin prestigious position in government job,hubby in private sector also in good position ,we have a daughter 3yrs old.Wearestaying in joint family with hubby's brother(businessman),his wife(also working) 2kids ,MIL&FIL.
-My MIL,FIL and hubby's brother do not contribute to family finances &only my husband ,me and co-sis contribute towards family finances.MIL collects pay from us three &spends according to her whims &fancies.Even if we buy a saree for ourselves without her knowledge it is a crime.
-My hubby loves me but does not speak in front of family.
- He is so much emotionally controlled by them that it took me a year after marriage to persue him to learn driving a four wheeler.They always said we are afraid ,he is the youngest he will meet accident etc etc.Even today we are not allowed to go to my parents house by car.It is so frustrating.
-My FIL is a devotee of Sai baba and since he is retired now ,devotes most of the time to the organisation activities,bhajans etc and expects us to do the same.My co-sis gets time for all these since her husband comesfrom shop earlier and devotes time to kids.Icannot do so since Ihave to look after my child and even my husband's needs since he does not get time from pvt sector job.My FIL takes it otherwise and does not even speak to me.It is very hurting.Ihave a habit of answering back since Icannot digest falsehood &wrong.Even my SIL s interference is too much .They behave differently with their own in laws but expects different standards from us for their parents.
HOW TO TACKLE ALL THIS??????
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2006-01-30
#4
Name: Rajkee
Subject:  Liked reply
While reading this column came across this sensible reply to joint family issues.Therefore posing my question.Iam workingin prestigious position in government job,hubby in private sector also in good position ,we have a daughter 3yrs old.Wearestaying in joint family with hubby's brother(businessman),his wife(also working) 2kids ,MIL&FIL.
-My MIL,FIL and hubby's brother do not contribute to family finances &only my husband ,me and co-sis contribute towards family finances.MIL collects pay from us three &spends according to her whims &fancies.Even if we buy a saree for ourselves without her knowledge it is a crime.
-My hubby loves me but does not speak in front of family.
- He is so much emotionally controlled by them that it took me a year after marriage to persue him to learn driving a four wheeler.They always said we are afraid ,he is the youngest he will meet accident etc etc.Even today we are not allowed to go to my parents house by car.It is so frustrating.
-My FIL is a devotee of Sai baba and since he is retired now ,devotes most of the time to the organisation activities,bhajans etc and expects us to do the same.My co-sis gets time for all these since her husband comesfrom shop earlier and devotes time to kids.Icannot do so since Ihave to look after my child and even my husband's needs since he does not get time from pvt sector job.My FIL takes it otherwise and does not even speak to me.It is very hurting.Ihave a habit of answering back since Icannot digest falsehood &wrong.Even my SIL s interference is too much .They behave differently with their own in laws but expects different standards from us for their parents.
HOW TO TACKLE ALL THIS??????
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2006-01-30
#5
Name: Rajkee
Subject:  Liked reply
While reading this column came across this sensible reply to joint family issues.Therefore posing my question.Iam workingin prestigious position in government job,hubby in private sector also in good position ,we have a daughter 3yrs old.Wearestaying in joint family with hubby's brother(businessman),his wife(also working) 2kids ,MIL&FIL.
-My MIL,FIL and hubby's brother do not contribute to family finances &only my husband ,me and co-sis contribute towards family finances.MIL collects pay from us three &spends according to her whims &fancies.Even if we buy a saree for ourselves without her knowledge it is a crime.
-My hubby loves me but does not speak in front of family.
- He is so much emotionally controlled by them that it took me a year after marriage to persue him to learn driving a four wheeler.They always said we are afraid ,he is the youngest he will meet accident etc etc.Even today we are not allowed to go to my parents house by car.It is so frustrating.
-My FIL is a devotee of Sai baba and since he is retired now ,devotes most of the time to the organisation activities,bhajans etc and expects us to do the same.My co-sis gets time for all these since her husband comesfrom shop earlier and devotes time to kids.Icannot do so since Ihave to look after my child and even my husband's needs since he does not get time from pvt sector job.My FIL takes it otherwise and does not even speak to me.It is very hurting.Ihave a habit of answering back since Icannot digest falsehood &wrong.Even my SIL s interference is too much .They behave differently with their own in laws but expects different standards from us for their parents.
HOW TO TACKLE ALL THIS??????
Msg Objection   Go to Top

 
2006-01-30
#6
Name: Rajkee
Subject:  Liked reply
While reading this column came across this sensible reply to joint family issues.Therefore posing my question.Iam workingin prestigious position in government job,hubby in private sector also in good position ,we have a daughter 3yrs old.Wearestaying in joint family with hubby's brother(businessman),his wife(also working) 2kids ,MIL&FIL.
-My MIL,FIL and hubby's brother do not contribute to family finances &only my husband ,me and co-sis contribute towards family finances.MIL collects pay from us three &spends according to her whims &fancies.Even if we buy a saree for ourselves without her knowledge it is a crime.
-My hubby loves me but does not speak in front of family.
- He is so much emotionally controlled by them that it took me a year after marriage to persue him to learn driving a four wheeler.They always said we are afraid ,he is the youngest he will meet accident etc etc.Even today we are not allowed to go to my parents house by car.It is so frustrating.
-My FIL is a devotee of Sai baba and since he is retired now ,devotes most of the time to the organisation activities,bhajans etc and expects us to do the same.My co-sis gets time for all these since her husband comesfrom shop earlier and devotes time to kids.Icannot do so since Ihave to look after my child and even my husband's needs since he does not get time from pvt sector job.My FIL takes it otherwise and does not even speak to me.It is very hurting.Ihave a habit of answering back since Icannot digest falsehood &wrong.Even my SIL s interference is too much .They behave differently with their own in laws but expects different standards from us for their parents.
HOW TO TACKLE ALL THIS??????
Msg Objection   Go to Top

 
2006-01-30
#7
Name: Rajkee
Subject:  Liked reply
While reading this column came across this sensible reply to joint family issues.Therefore posing my question.Iam workingin prestigious position in government job,hubby in private sector also in good position ,we have a daughter 3yrs old.Wearestaying in joint family with hubby's brother(businessman),his wife(also working) 2kids ,MIL&FIL.
-My MIL,FIL and hubby's brother do not contribute to family finances &only my husband ,me and co-sis contribute towards family finances.MIL collects pay from us three &spends according to her whims &fancies.Even if we buy a saree for ourselves without her knowledge it is a crime.
-My hubby loves me but does not speak in front of family.
- He is so much emotionally controlled by them that it took me a year after marriage to persue him to learn driving a four wheeler.They always said we are afraid ,he is the youngest he will meet accident etc etc.Even today we are not allowed to go to my parents house by car.It is so frustrating.
-My FIL is a devotee of Sai baba and since he is retired now ,devotes most of the time to the organisation activities,bhajans etc and expects us to do the same.My co-sis gets time for all these since her husband comesfrom shop earlier and devotes time to kids.Icannot do so since Ihave to look after my child and even my husband's needs since he does not get time from pvt sector job.My FIL takes it otherwise and does not even speak to me.It is very hurting.Ihave a habit of answering back since Icannot digest falsehood &wrong.Even my SIL s interference is too much .They behave differently with their own in laws but expects different standards from us for their parents.
HOW TO TACKLE ALL THIS??????
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2006-01-30
#8
Name: Rajkee
Subject:  rtteuiyi
ffykkhh
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2006-01-06
#9
Name: JointFamily
Subject:  Poisoned minds...purified minds
There are those who

a) kill self or others on abuse
b) live with suffering soul and body
c) live with poisoned minds (selfish motives)
d) indifferent (selfish or joyous or ignoring)
e) manage to get their way
f) care for the family
g) go to heights career, politics, leader
h) go beyond family, care for the unfortunates

and you can add a category or two. Once you know where you are and what you want to be, the way becomes clear. Obstacles must be dealt with. If thats marriage, so be it, hopefully not option a! Do decide, one needs to know

a) Whats mine that I dont want to lose? Husband? Children? Career? House?
b) Whats my theme of life? Establish? Lead? Love?
c) What assets I have? Money? Brain? Heart?
d) What can I / do I want to achieve (stretched first goal) in theme of life? Get-a-job? Write-a-book? Set-up-NPO/NGO?
e) What I need more? Take-a-step? Build English? Money? Fighting spirit? Smile? Confidence?

Success is not as easy as it sounds. But not as difficult as you think! Once you start off, all such worries go for a toss! World expands.

JointFamily
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2006-01-05
#10
Name: BeenThereDoneThat
Subject:  Say NO to family politics. Live in your own way!!
I have been a silent visitor to this site till date, but today I could not help but put forward my viewpoint. This is a reply to Saras as well as to Friend. I do not know whether \";Friend\"; is a he or she and if \";she\";, whether she tried to adopt to the same ideologies she is talking about. If she followed whatever she said and got a result, I am sorry to deduce she did not have a problem to begin with.

Saras, when I started reading your story (sorry, facts), I cannot say how astonoshing it appeared to me; as if by some miracle you are living my life and facing my problems. I am 35, married for 8 years,have a 6 yr old daughter.I live in an extended family, comprising of FIL, MIL and one SIL. 2 other SILs are married. Both me and my husband are in software, doing very very well for ourselves. My in-laws are totally and entirely financially dependant on my husband, my eldest SIL is unmarried and stays with us. During the first year of our marriage my husband and me stayed in another city, where both of us held excellent jobs. However, at that time my in-laws started to feel insecure (my version), they wanted to be near their son (their version) and my husband felt he is committing a crime by staying away from his parents after marriage. I was not too inclined, however I did not want to spoil the relationship at the very beginning and agreed to shift with them. You see, that was my first mistake, which took me 7 long years to realize.

My second mistake was like Saras, trying to be extra good to everybody. Intially, I used to keep a cool head, never uttered a word of protest, never took part in any heated argument between MIL-FIL, MIL-my husband. Whenever MIL had any complaints about my husband, I always used to say as a mother she is nearer to him than me (which I truely and honestly believe till date, that nobody in this whole world can replace a mother to her children) and so if he doesn't listen to her, he will not not listen to me as well. You can say I used to live like a shadow. I realized this mistake of mine in a very hard way, when everybody, incl. my husband became quite comfortable with my non-existing existance. Gradually a day came when I wanted to raise my voice in protest and the entire household reacted strangely, saying \";you keep your mouth shut\";...

Since my in-laws are financially dependant on us, quite naturally I also need to stand by my husband and provide financial assistance to him quite often to make both ends meet. My last mistake, never trying to establish that I also contribute to the financial wealth of the household. Me and my husband operate each other's bank accounts as required and we treat both of our incomes as joint income. Money has never become a topic of contention between us. We have equal contribution to whatever material assets we have been able to make till date, including a house to stay. My parents are quite independent and I do not need to help them financially on a regular basis. However, my in-laws always like to maintain that I spend all my money for my parents and my FIL and my husband are giving money to this household.

These are just a couple of problems that I am having in my life. I have tried to dissect them many a time and tried to analyze who is actually at fault. In my case, I think my upbringing has a lot to do with this. I was brought up by my parents just like a boy, I never experienced any hindrance for being a girl. I have pursued the career of my choice, married the person I fell in love with, currently working in an industry where there is nobody to remind me of my gender, I am expected to work and deliver like any other employee having same designation and role like me. During my growing up days, my parents constantly chanted only one mantra \";stand on your own feet\";. There was nobody to teach me the dark sides of family politics, the so called \";tacts\"; and \";tricks\"; to avoid/win them. I was never told that I am a girl and I am expected to have my food after everybody has eaten, I am expected to clean the table after lunch/dinner is over. I am not supposed to decide when to visit my parents, my parents should come and request my in-laws so that they are \";allowed\"; by my in-laws to take me along. I am expected to always state that whatever education/culture my parents have given me are all wrong.

This list may go on and on and on and on....I guess 90% of today's DILs were brought up exactly the way I was, and hey, are we ashamed of that? Not me, for sure. Friend - please keep all your suggestions to you. I feel change is the need of the hour. We need to change the social culture of this compulsory extended family, which the western world praises for its so-called \";family values\";, \";respect to elders\"; blah blah. We, only we, who live through this hell day after day know the dark side of it, that how it cripples us every day, how it makes us narrow minded, jealous, always plotting against somebody or the other. I feel a time has come when every couple should take a conscious decesion to stay so near that they can reach their respective parents even at odd hours if need be, yet so far that these day-to-day tussles are avoided. I want a relationship between family members and relatives which is full of mutual love and respect and not a scornful vengeance against each other. Where this is not possible and the relationship has been irrepairably damaged, dont even try to restore that. Why should I have to even try to \";win my hubby\"; over my MIL? Why do I have to be good to my MIL occasionally and that too with a purpose? Why do I have to have a dual existance in my life? I will try to love and respect everybody, approach with an open heart, but I should be strong enough to give it back if I am met with tyrannical and feudal attitude. I know it is better said than done as most of the ladies even today are not financially independent. Hence my request to all sufferers, please look for some source of income the moment you feel people are not accepting you with an open heart. I am sure this will not be very difficult for people living abroad. Trust me, situation will change the moment the world will know you do not depend on anybody for your survival. People will not unnecessarily trouble you, even if they do not like you. And then, live with your head held high, and a heart that is full of love and respect for all elderly in the family, but under no circumstances tolerate any injustice/unfair behaviour from anybody. Come on, once we are grown up and have our own minds about everything, even some of the things our own parents do or tell may bother us; how someone expects us to put up with tyrannical behaviour of another elderly couple day after day whom we know just for a couple of years in our lives? GIVE US A BREAK !!!

Before I wind up, a bit on what's happening with me at the moment. One evening in November, my MIL shouted on my husband because of some issue. I protested for my husband and my hus got very very angry with me for speaking up. I packed up my bag that night, took my daughter and walked out of the house. Currently I am staying with my parents for past 1.5 months. I have patched up with my hus (we love each other very much and emotionally dependent on each other in spite of everything) and he is asking me to come back this weekend. I have clearly told him there is no point in watering a dead plant, as I believe this relationship (between my in-laws and me) is not going to work; so even if I go back this time , I want to know what are his plans for the future. Yes, eventually I want to stay away from them, even if my husband does not accompany me. However, I will never stop my husband from looking after their well-being and I will help him in doing this. And Saras, I have made a promise to myself, I will bring up my daughter exactly the way my parents brought me up, not for one second I will let her think that she will have to undergo so much pain just because of a cruel social culture called \";Extended family\";. Days are changing and the boys (our husbands) better acknowledge the fact that the girls they are marrying are matured human beings, in many cases having own income, and one cannot expect them to change overnight according to the likes/dislikes of each and every family member. Adios!!
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2006-01-06
#11
Name: saheli
Subject:  hi
Hi Been there....
I totally agree with you that nobody has the right to treat anybody like this. Basically the rule of the world is that if you submit then people try to make u submit more and assume that you will never protest. I think this is what happened to you, me and so many other women like us. Coz when we got married, we genuinely tried to make all effort to please everyone and be nice. But in return what did we get.. Dirty politics. Honestly it is such a drain on my energy to predict my in-laws next action and then come up with a counter action. Sometimes I feel I will go crazy planning all the actions and counter actions. THere is so much in life but seems like my life has halted on this inlaws issue. Things are much better now since I have started protesting in my own way against their extremes. Saras remember never hide your feelings in the house. If you like something, say it out aloud and if u don't then voice it too. Its your house and u have a right to have an opinion on things too. When my parents were here for my son's birth, I wanted to take them out on a long weekend as they were leaving after that. But my mil strategically planned cradle ceremony and invited all her daughters over and ruined my plans. First I thought let me just keep mum but then I decided to give her a piece of mind. I told her very calmly but she got so angry with me that she raised hell in the house and my husband fought with my parents about it. My dad tried reasoning that she just gave her opinion but eventually u guys did what you wanted to. But they were fuming with me. My husband/in laws made my parents visit the most harrowing time of my life.
But now I have decided I am taking no trash from anybody. Last year my husband hit me and dragged me with my hair. I packed my bags and decided to move out even though I have no place to go. But it so happened that my daughter had to be rushed to the ER next morning so it got cancelled and of course men are so good at asking for forgiveness one minute and being nasty the other minute. So I did'nt move out but this time I have decided if anything untowards happens then I am leaving.
I agree with you totally but it takes courage to call quits especially since its hard being a single mother and raising 2 kids.

But hoping for a better tomorrow...)
Bye
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2006-01-05
#12
Name: saheli
Subject:  hi
Saras,
I feel for you but remember its impossible to make such people happy. People who have bad attitude in life will never be happy with whatever u do. If someday u die for them, they will find faults in the way you died too so don't even think of pleasing such jerks.
So first things first, forget about pleasing anyone. And why do u have to make 'good' food. Make horrible food so that nobody wants to eat. And if they complain about it, say oops sorry ya ur right it is horrible. And next time make it horrible too. Anyway even if u make yummy food nobody is giving u an award or appreciating ur effort so why waste.
Initially when I used to cook, my mil would never let my husband eat my food. Even if I cooked the whole meal, she will start preparing food for my husband, my FIL and herself from the scratch. I used to feel bad coz I was the only one eating my food then. So then I decided ok if u don't want anybody to taste my food then let me just completely stop. I don't cook anymore when they are around. I just enjoy my time with my kids. Now she wants me to cook sometimes so I tell her oh I thought u guys don't like what I cook so its ok u go ahead.
I am sure she feels really bad but hey too bad...
And always give first priority to your kids. Put them in some activity, that way you have a valid excuse to go out of the house. Don't ever neglect them for any other work.
And please don't tie your plans with your husband's. You will be disappointed. Their agenda is always their parents so no point. I always relied on my husband on going out coz I had small kids too but never worked out coz my mil does'nt like if we both go out somewhere. So I am like anytime I go, I just take my kids and set up a playdate or even make an excuse and just leave. I don't include my husband in any of my plans so now he seems to mind. But too bad again. I gave u a chance.
Shift your focus and no need to be all goody goody. Be pragmatic and not moralistic. And you are in US where there are so many things for u to do.
Don't worry about what happens when u start working. Kids will eventually go to school anyway and u can put them in after school program saying at home all they do is watch movies and TV whole day...
Be postive in life. Things will get better once kids are older.

Take Care
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2006-01-05
#13
Name: Saras
Subject:  thanks
Thanks to both Saheli & Friend :-)

I want to let you both know more so that you both can judge the situation better.

First this is a love marriage, knew the parents but not their nature and backward mentality. Don't mean to offend anybody when I say these things. My in-laws believe that a girl is lady ONLY & ONLY if she wakes up at 5am, takes head bath, prays in her pooja room, cook for the entire family, feed everyone and then eat. My mother taught me to priortize things first - pray in your heart and mind and bath can wait when 2 hungry children are crying. I have 2 tiny adorable kids (2 1/2 & 1 1/2). What is more important - taking bath and entering the kitchen when my children are crying for milk or running to the kitchen to make sure I feed them. And with these comments almost everyday I just decided to go they way.

They think a woman is a woman only if she has long hair and wears Sarees. Its ok if their daughter cut her hair and wears Salvar Kameez. That backward their mentality is.

A woman should know all shlokas and old mythelogical stories. I agree I know a few and part them to my children but not all.

My MIL is educated and works in a gov office, she dominates the entire house. If she says Yes than nobody can change that. She degrades her own husband who is retired and is fit for nothing but eats and sleeps all day. She expects me to cut my tongue and stay like a cow in one corner of the house. Its ok for her to get angry at silly things and say words that will tear the heart and kill me but if I get angry and say anything she calls me names like big mouth and not adjusting and the truth is that my MIL because of her dominant, short tempered and egoistic nature has not kept in touch with her own mother for years and that all is ok.

My question to them is Nobody is perfect in this world - why point out others mistakes when they have so many flaws within themselves?

To answer Friends reply - I agree with Saheli - all I wanted was to make everybody happy when I go to my inlaws house but they kept on commenting on my flaws and I accepted I do have flaws and have changed myself for good but they don't seem to see that change in me. I would keep my face very sad and not answer them when they would comment until it became unbearable. They commented on me keeping my face sad and I changed myself to smiling when they said something but how much can a person take. My husband was initially supportive but lately he thinks that I should just ignore. Truthfully if he shut his parents mouth (atleast when they are wrong about me) I wouldn't open my mouth in the first place.

Just a small instance, my FIL is here to help us out in US and since I have to cook and clean the house and do all the outside work, my husband takes care of the children. Since he pampers them even when they are wrong and I want my children to learn good habits I play the villian role of scolding them. So they are more affectionate to their father. My FIL takes advantage of this and keeps on saying - Children like only their father, they don't seem to like their mother, they are angry at the mother and want to be with their father all the time, YA right if I am stuck in the kitchen all day making good food for all of you and taking care of all the stuff - thats why my children ask for you guys. It will be a vice versa situation if I take care of the children. Its like they want me out of their son's life. When I confronted my husband he says that I am assuming stuff when it is so clear what his father means.

I agree with Saheli - why should it be only the DIL who has to work as the thread to put the family beads together? She is a human too :-(

I cook so good food but my inlaws always say that I have more salt or some other complain. My husband sits there and listens to all this. He tries to love me a lot when they are not around but if they are around I am noone. He says I know my mother is dominant and father a waste but I cannot speak for you - it will end up in a big fight. So I have to tolerate any crap that they give and learn to ignore.

Can u help me learn how to live, how to ignore, how to have a \";don't care attitude\";. I haven't been living for years and sometimes even think of moving on with life leaving everything behind but then I think of my CHILDREN. I didn't have a father and I know how difficult it is to grow up without one.

My husband is planning to move back to India in a few years and sincerely I don't want to go (atleast right now). He says we will live separately but I know its not going to happen and even if we do there will be a lot of interference.

I am currently looking for a job but my husband is saying that he will call his mother if taking care of kids get difficult, I told him that there are so many families taking care of children and working but he disagrees. My FIL is a lot better person to adjust with than my MIL. My MIL thinks herself to be a perfectionist in everything and her ego runs upto miles uncountable and she hates me to death.

I don't know what to do and I have faith in my SAI that he will either take me with him or make some other changes were I don't have to deal with such merciless people.......

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2006-01-05
#14
Name: saheli
Subject:  hi
And also please don't WAIT TO LIVE just live your life now coz u won't get another chance at living....
THere is no need to end ur life for these suckers. Focus on other exciting things in life. Go to spa, get pedicure, get a massage or facial or something. Go and do some workout... Exercise helps you have a positive attitude. Join a gym or something. U will see a new you.
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2006-01-05
#15
Name: saheli
Subject:  hi
Hi Saras,
I can totally understand your pain. I have gone through that pain too but atleast my in-laws have'nt stooped to those cheap levels yet but who knows. I don't know how can you show love or respect to them for what they have done to you... Its so hard.
I disagree with friend.. When a girl gets married at a young age, she is not manipulative, sly or full of preconceived notions. She genuinely wants to make everybody happy. Atleast for the first few years, I was like that. But slowly when u don't get any love and respect in return and when people play dirty mind games with you, that's when you start that too. You become political....
I would suggest you to get a job and just worry about the kids. Give a damn to everybody. Don't fight or argue. It does'nt get you anywhere..

But don't take physical abuse from your husband. That's a big NO NO.

I want to ask friend that isn't it such a drain on ur energy to try to make the relations work all by yourself with no reciprocation???
Its very hard to be nice to mean people... And the onus of making marriage work is totally on Saras...Why?
Anyway husbands are so immature so please don't expect them to see your point. Blood is always thicker than water. I think no matter how hard we try but we will always be an outsider in that family. And the blood relations will always stick together.

Well, forget about the fairness or unfairness of the deal you got. This is it for you. You got this deal so just handle it. Forget about how ur SIL behaves or how her in-laws are. Life is very unfair, remember that. Basically I think life teaches these lessons to people who emphasize a lot on fairness and justice.
SO forget how people are and how they behave. You just worry about ur kids and that's it. Don't be mean to anyone but be very firm. Don't indulge in fights or answering back. No use.
Perhaps when ur husband is in a good mood, just let him know that maybe u made some mistakes in life due to ur young age. Maybe u were stubborn and answered back coz everything was new to you but now you realized the mistake and have changed ur ways. Try it and see. And then convert this into actions. Don't fight with his family for any reasonable thing also. Let them be. U just worry about ur kids, take up a job and take care of yourself. Just fulfill your duties and reduce ur expectations from them.
Maybe do some meditation or yoga and have good pleasant thoughts in ur mind.
Good luck!!
I have been there done it...
SO hang in there
Saheli
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2006-01-04
#16
Name: friend
Subject:  try loving them
saras,
You have not mentioned the country you live in and if you are a working person.

You might have also observed in the messages here about \";winning the husband\"; first, is v important.

I feel you can tackle this situation with lot of patience and proper plan, with step-by-step achievements. It should take you quite a while and the results may not be all what you want but can at least ease things.

1. In your case, I see that your hubby is not very supportive to you. You will have to win him first.
You will have to do this with him - Lot of care, lot of love, absolotely no nagging, no cribbing, no complains against his parents. Dont do things that he typically dislikes - for example hubbys get bored for hours of shopping with wives. You will have to \";bear\"; this for a while, but it will pay. Try n be nice to his parents when he is around. Praise his relatives/SIL for something good. I have seen it works - has worked for me. I always praise his mom and sis a lot for things they are really good at! I never say ANY relative is bad and praise when i come back from his relatives.

2. Definitely, back-answering in-laws is not a right way. Stop it. It hurts their (already abundant) ego and spoils the matter even if they are wrong and you are right. So stop/avoid/reduce that. Secondly, if they nag you in front of hubby and you keep silent, you will score more points. Ask yourself - its just your ego that makes you back answer. Being right/wrong is later. Leave your ego for your good.

3. If you can start working/do a job, do that. The intention is to stay away from in-laws as far as possible. Your interaction with them will reduce and you will also gain respect as an earning member.

4. Once you win your hubby, maintain it by doing above things. Slowly, you can start showing the truth to your hubby. He will support you, and probably speak good about you infront of parents. This will keep a check on in-laws on speaking against you in front of him.

Again, i am suggesting you to be true always, never lie, never play bad tricks. Be tricky, but true.

Once your huuby is with you and matters are still worse with in-laws, you can talk to him about separation, but this may/may not necessarily happen. But will definitely ease things. Be prepared for both. I am sure leaving hubby is not an option in your mind!

And last but not least, even if the in-laws nag you, try loving them once inspite of their 'bads'. Do real 'seva' of them. Try looking at positives, try reaching out your hand to them. Who knows, you might discover the love your hubby has not, with them! We generally come to hubby's house with wither negative things in mind about in laws, or neutral. We rarely leave all our ego, our principles, our way of looking at things and try to REALLY love someone apart from hubby. Try it. Be a saint for a while and try. There's nothing to loose.

friend
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Last 7 Posts of this Board
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RE:Mother In law controls money matters
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