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Womens Issues:please read this and help me
2004-06-21
Name: A Married from last 5 years. Soon I came here after mariage I met my husband's kind of good friend who also got married 1 month before us.
When my met friend's wife I found my husband was attracted for her. This feeling keep on becoming more and more true as we kept meeting. Finally after 6-7 months of my marriage,I told my husband that whatever you try to do with your friends' wife is not good and it won't be good if you continue your this behaviour. My husband stopped calling them to my home but coninue their meeting from office.Even after 5 years I can see my husband and friends wife are eager to see each other and keep looking for opportunity to talk each other.I hate that girl like anything which she also knows.I don't undersatnd how to stop this without knowing my husband about it. Can you tell me how should I make aware my husband's friend that your wife and my husband tries to do wrong things.
Please help me.

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2005-03-09
#1
Name: LA
Subject:  re: please read this and help me
I am curious. From what you have said - how can you say for sure that they are doing or trying to do something wrong? First, you say it's been 5 years - I'm sure it if were going to happen then it probably happened years ago.

Have you discussed this with your husband, confronted this woman? And why are you staying married to a man who is cheating on you?

I don't know what else to say.
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2004-08-23
#2
Name: nitu
Subject:  to juvinile
juvinile,
i think ur wife doesn't go to work.thats why u hv this male ego.i can say this from my own life.i don't go to work and my hubby always behave as if he has the upper hand.this was not the case between my mum and dad since my mom used to go to work. i hv seen women who work or earn more money than her hubby, their hubby treats them as equal...there is hardly ego clashes.
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2004-06-30
#3
Name: kavya
Subject:  hello juvinile
hey i do agree to a lotta extent with your views though some differ. you seem to be pretty mature and accepting contrary to what your name suggests juvinile
take care n have fun
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2004-07-01
#4
Name: juvinile
Subject:  reply
Hi K, abhi, girl and all.

I am not able to convince you at all, but at the same time i dont agree that majority of men dont have any male ego?

But what you are saying is not that simple. You are saying that she has tolerated her husband for last 5 years, so now she should not adjust anymore. Dont you think this is contradictory to what you suggested earlier. Why does she need ways and means to convey the illicit relation to that friend. Does she want to revive her marriage or "adjust" again. What is the guarantee that he wont fall into for some other girl? What is the guarantee that he is going to love her after leaving that girl? Isnt she again adjusting her life, Your advise to her should have been to simply divorce and get rid of such an husband? Well why doesnt she do that then? Even you had been in his place you wouldnt have done that. Marriage is all about compromises and adjustments.

Actually we should have created a new topic for this discussion, i thank you for being sporty in this discussion.
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2004-07-01
#5
Name: k
Subject:  hi
hi juvinile
now you are coming to point.ok you said she should adjust with her hubby with tolerate all his nonsense activities. look 'A' if he is doing seriously wrong from 5 years then you must take step. the point of saving marriage you are saying juvinile- - is this only woman responsibility?man can do what ever he wants just because he has some male ego?what rubbish? i just can't believe there are man like you who are supporting male ego(which should be in married life) and guide others to pamper it or adjust with it to not saying anything to him?
well you are still wrong,i'm also agree with abhi. thanks abhi i hope there are more man like you in this world and less like juvinile.otherwise i don't know what will happen in future.today woman is educated and can take her own decision.man should respect her feelings and try to understand her situation that 'why is she reacting like that'?if anything bothering her then i must have change my habit for her this is only happy married life called not that in which woman is always adjusting and man is doing what ever he wants. i'm sorry but in this situation woman is only contributing to save her married life and there is no role of man.i think today no girl/woman wants to live life with that type of person.
honestly i'm proud to be an woman and same as other ladies too if they were not convinced by a man like you.

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2004-06-30
#6
Name: juvinile
Subject:  reply
Hi all,

I am sorry that you are not understanding the point i am trying to make. I am not denying the fact that women and men should be treated equally (though I can start another topic on why women themseleves feel slightly lesser than men). I am not of the ghandian views where if someone slaps you, you ask for another one. But I am saying that there are a lot of problems with women that create problems in marriage. And with men too, they are not clean. My only concern was that whoever is the original poster, her marriage should get revived again. The lectures that I was trying to give her should be given to her husband also.

You people are hell bent upon breaking her marriage. by saying if he does this, do that etc etc. But by rather accepting some basic facts if she can get her marriage going happily what is the problem in that? If your husband doesnt have male ego that doesnt mean that rest others dont have. By talking about male ego I was telling that it is something basic and inherent. It is good that you are proud to be woman, but there are many who are not. You cannot generalise situations for every perons problems.

And I dont think I am wrong in saying that male ego is the thinking that men are superior than women?

When you talk of mother and she is inferior or superior, then i can say that there have been lot of women who are great like indira gandhi or kalpana chawla or kiran bedi or like. I acknowledge all of them with due respect. Then there are lot of girls who clear the IIT-JEE entrance test and lot of them are toppers.

But that doesnt mean that male ego doesnt exist. It does exist, It creates problems is married life in the same way as nagging, questioning and suspicion of women creates problems. I just wanted to tell OP that accept his negatives and at the same time remove your negatives and improve your positives. Had his husband been the here for counselling I would have given him the same advise.

This is how marriage works. Blame game never works and even ego (male of female) doesnt work either. I hope now I am being clear in my point.

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2004-06-27
#7
Name: aa
Subject:  may be this will help
hi,
i suggest you taht you just ignore your husband's and that lady's behaviour. you know sometimes it happens that if you get disturb people will harass you more but if you'll act as if it doesn't bother you they will feel disgusted. and you can tell that lady guys gain a lot from such relations but a lady always suffers. being a married guy she will always be a whore and if others will come to know about her everyone will treat her like that. after all a man comes home to his wife only and not his love. because if your husband truly loved her he must have divorced you.

so let them behave whichever way they want you just pass her this message about her image i hope if she is from good family background she will definately get disturbed and will stop this immediately.

all the best and let me know if this works
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2004-06-25
#8
Name: k
Subject:  hi
you can email from any other computer eg:- friends computer,library(we have free comp and internet in labrary)may be you can check in your city.you can send that letter to your relaible friend,she can send it from her computer.
there are many ways to tell just about it.hope it will solve your problem.
bye
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2004-06-25
#9
Name: A
Subject:  Just do it!
Do you know, If I send an email to him(friend) without any indication of mine still he can find out about the sender.For every computer there is a specific IP address and if you desperately want to know anyone's you can....That is why Iam not sending him an email.
Any more ideas........please let me know.
Regards
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2004-06-23
#10
Name: A
Subject:  Help me
Iam very much thankful to everyone who is reading my problem and helping me to solve it. See I have tried in everyway to control this behaviour of my husband. But it seems that He and friends wife will not undersatnd untill they get some good dose from there home. I am trying somehow to tell this nature of friend's wife to her husband. Iam sure evrything will be under control. I know I cannot control my husband. But I can do something for that lady. She is a bitch and I don't know how many man she wants around her.
Can anyone please suggest me how should I inform my husband's friend about this in such a way that my husband should never come to know that I told him about it.
Regards
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2004-06-25
#11
Name: Just do it!
Subject:  Simply send a letter...
You could send a anonymous letter or e-mail to your husband's friend telling him about his wife... Just make sure the letter is not in your writing or your e-mail ID is not displayed. You could send the letter to his office address....
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2004-06-21
#12
Name: juvinile
Subject:  reply
I dont understand why do all women have this suspicion in mind. Women always have doubts about their men. All the replies you would get here will only reinforce this doubt of yours. I am sure of it. Just look at your own life and the interface between you and your husband, dont try to indulge in everything that he does. Be relaxed and let him also relax. Everybody needs a personal space. He is not going anywhere. If you would have loved him you would have been happy to see him happy. Even if that means talking to other women. You are paining yourself by thiking that he is with other women and in last 5 years you have done nothing but making yourself mad about this issue. Which perhaps may not be true at all. Think simple I would advise you. You have unnecessarily developed hatred towards that women. Dont think complex, be busy in your own life instead of cooking gossips. I would suggest you to leave this matter here and live like a normal person than creating a story behind everything your husband does. I know it must have sounded harsh to you but truth is that you have to change your nature of suspecting.
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2004-07-01
#13
Name: K
Subject:  hi
i suggest her to stop her hubby right way what ever wrong he is doing.it doesn't mean that she should go for divorce or create any type of tension at home.if she can email to him indirectly(as others also suggests) then may be his friend can stop her wife and that what she wants.
of cource she should go for divorce when he will do the same in future with other girl.after all they are doing it from 5 year.
well yes, you are right we should have created a new topic for this discussion.
bye

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2004-07-01
#14
Name: abhi
Subject:  hi
That's very simple,but i don't know what you are trying to prove? i'm a man,my gender is male that's why i like to accept "Netaji Subash Chander Bose".if i were a woman and sitting with my friends and they try to give me a title then i accept a woman title "jhansi ki rani" not "Netaji Subash Chander Bose".
i hope u understand what i'm saying!
see, that's true there is no difference in between man and woman.i believe today they both have ego that's why divorce rate is such high but ego is not good in any case wether it is male ego or female ego.there should not be ego in relation of husband and wife.wife has equal rights in marriage,she should confident like man.if man is doing wrong then wife can object his activity.it's husbands responsibility to satisfied his wife with the truth.and if he can't then no need to adjust with that kind of man.truly i support equality
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2004-06-30
#15
Name: juvinile
Subject:  reply
Abhi,

It is a very simple logic. If you are sitting among your few friends and I bestow the title of "Jhansi ki rani" to you. Would you feel good about it? Rather than the title of "Netaji Subash Chander bose". Think about it and tell me why would you like or not like? the psyche behind the reasoning?
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2004-06-30
#16
Name: abhi
Subject:  not agree
what a crap!
juvinile you are wrong.if there is any male ago even then woman not need to pamper it.i'm totally agree with 'K'.
how can you say woman inferior juvinile?i couuldn't understand your eg of king and queen. and more over if you think woman inferior then your mother is also inferior then you inspite of that she gave you a birth.
i'm not that type of man.i respect woman more then man.i'm not agree with you juvinile.
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2004-06-30
#17
Name: k
Subject:  hi
Hi juvinile
The things you are talk about are different from the point you started. Anyhow I will answer your all questions. Well if anybody asks me to accept a king title then I seriously refuse. Im proud to be a woman. Your thinking that woman is inferior and she has to pamper her hubby all the time is very disgusting. That concept what ever you are talking about is made by male in India but in other countries there is no male ego in man. Woman has equally importance in life and she can ask what ever she wants. She doesnt need to pamper her hubby. Yes, Im luck to have people around me is not narrow minded. You need to be visit at good thinking people. The point you are trying to prove is not healthy. You start with male ego in man and now you are trying to prove that woman is inferior that's why she has to please her hubby always. Man can tease a woman when ever he wants but a woman cant? How ridiculous.
I seriously want to know the views of other woman on this topic. Are you all thinking like this man? Is woman really inferior?
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2004-06-29
#18
Name: juvinile
Subject:  reply
hi

thanks a lot for replying, i believe your every word. I wish you a very happy married life.

Just to clarify the 5th point. See I will give you an example. This is true for all the males of every age. If you tell a male child that he is "queen". He will not like it. But if you say that he is a "king" he will think that he is being praised. Even though you talk to male and female equality where titles of "king" and "queen" should have been equally important, still males feel that "queen" has to be inferior to "king". A male wouldnt like the title of being a queen rather than a king, even though both of these titles are powerful (equally as you say!). In contrast to this a female child would be happy with both the titles. I hope I am putting my point clearly.
Even in children where there is not much sex distinction there is this male -superior and female-inferior concept.and this holds for the grown ups too. Would your husband feel pleased if you call him "maharani sahiba" rather than "maharaj". I guess no!

I hope you got my point.
It is good that people like your hubby are there. My best wishes are with you
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2004-06-28
#19
Name: k
Subject:  hi
hi
yes, i'm honest person and telling you the truth.
1. my hubby really feel happy if i drive good car than he!infact i always drive car when he get tried of driving and he is more happy to see my driving.

2. i did ask him if i earn more salary than him then how would you feel. he said i feel more proud that my wife is so intelligent and efficient.i had my own office last year,he was working with me and supporting me,he was studing that time and i was only earing.he never feel bad or his 'male ego' never hurt that i'm not working and she is earing.now he is earing good income and me too.

3.he still want me to study more and more and he is going to help me.

4.in solving questions he will feel proud of me!

5. that's a very stupid eg to test male ego.i didn't get you in this properly.

6. this time already happened in our life he was studing and sitting at home all day and i was working.i never see any hurt ego on his face.you know even that time my mother was staying with us and his parents was far from us due to some reasons, and he never complaint regarding this.

accutally my own brother and all i have seen man in my life are like that.so this is not new for me.i told you today man and woman are equally important.today no woman like to marry to a egoistic man.believe me my hubby is not in 1% infact he is in 60% man who thinks like that. you should also change your thinking for your dear wife.



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2004-06-27
#20
Name: juvinile
Subject:  reply
hi k,

See I am actually very sure that males do have male ego and 99% of men are like that. if your husband is not in those 99% then he is a very rare kind of man. Can you please try out for this discussion sake some of the examples to rule out his male ego.

1. Tell him that you can drive car better than him and at greater speeds

2. Ask him if you earn more salary than him how would he feel

3. If you have more education than him

4. You can solve tougher maths and physics problems than him

6. Just tell him that you give him the title of "Queen of home" instead of "king of home" and how does he feel about it?

7. Something like he can sit at home and you can earn living for the home?

In short just find out all those activities that are traditionally considered to be "male things", if you are superior to him in those things how would he feel. And you have to ask these things in realistic sense to know the actual psychology, otherwise he will just think of it as a joke.

And please be honest. If your husband passes the test you are luckiest woman. If not then he is the luckiest to have such wife as you!
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