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Joint Family:will disown him
2005-04-03
Name: advise me! Hi... I have a questions and I hope someone will be able to offer some advice.My bf and I have been together for 3 years and he reciently told his parents we were dating and that we shared a home. They flipped out telling him the cultural differences are too great and that when the time comes he WILL marry a good hindu girl from a good indian family. His mother stated there was no debate to be entered into it. She demanded he move out. To all intents and purposes they believe he has done as they asked but do know that we are still together. It's no longer mentioned but they have said when the time comes HE WILL DO AS THEY WISH!

I've reciently found out I am pregnant with his child. He took the news well & is so excited about being a father. He returns from work with little gifts like booties and baby clothes. We're compiling a list of names and we're attaending anti-natal appointments together. Everyone who knows us says how lucky I am as my bf adores me. And he does. For 3 years we've shared a fairy-tale relationship. We talk about everything. There is no need for arguements as as soon as a problem arrises he will discuss it immediately.

He proposed that we get married but given that we had not planned to marry for another year or so I felt we should stick with our plans. I do not want a wedding so soon simply because we are to have a child. I am now a mere 7 weeks pregnant and we've decided not to tell many people until the I am 12 weeks and we know the pregnancy is stable. He will have to tell his parents soon and he is terrified they will disown him. Admitted ly he has said it is up to them to either accept it or not but he is commited to being with me and becoming a father.

I was wondering if anyone knows of a way to avoid his parents acting so drasticly as cutting him out of their lives. I do not know what I will do if they do such a thing. My partnet has asked that I support him & stay with him through it all and i intend to but I hope so much that it wont come to this. How is the best way to tell them? We are in Australia and they are home in India. Neither of us particularly wants to fliy there to break the new so we have decied a phone call is the best option. How best can we say to them that they are to be grandparents?

Should they decide to no longer have anything to do with my partner I've thought about what i will do... I fully intend to call his mother & try to speak with her. I am a relationships concellor and I think I could approach the situation with an open mind and avoid any annimosity... How open would they be to this if I did it Would it make more problems? Will they eventually decide to accept this? I do not know how a parson could remove their son from their life & deny the existance of a grandchild. Is there anything I can do???
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2005-04-11
#1
Name: Rekha
Subject:  best wishes
Let me start by saying....U R NOT A SCREW UP. I'm sad to see that I made u feel that way...and I do apologise. I think augustborn has said what I wanted to say in a more gentel manner.

Let me give u a background on how marriages r conducted in India. As u already must know lot of marriages r arranged marriages. The parents look at how well settled and well educated the boy is, how the family is etc etc..and if the boy is working abroad...even better...so basically according to Indian stds, u'r bf is a real catch in the desi market (again sorry for using crude terms...but it does kind of feel like that). What I'm trying to say is that his parents r always going to feel that their son could have gotten any Indian girl he wanted. So it is going to take a long long time for them to accept u. So both of you need to be ready for that.

U cannot control how people bahave with you. So pls don't stress yourself out..what will be will be. U r pregnant and need to have happy thoughts . Let his parents be for now..when u have to deal with thenm think of it then. By reading all your replies, I think u r a super person, very caring and very much interesd in keeping realtions (which is getting rare today...even in Indian girls)

I will still advise u to marry before the baby..but at the end of the day it is your decision. Why do u care what people think is the reason for u guys getting married...u know that u love each other. Whatever decision u take...u need to be happy. I wish u lot of happiness in life.

I know u r finding it hard to beleive that parents disown their child....but it is true. My husband's aunt has disowned her daughter becasue she had a love marriage (this is many yrs ago..now a days love marriage is more acceptable)...but till today they don't talk to her. So pls be prepared that his parents r going to totally totally flip. But that is no fault of yours.

It is very difficult for Indian parents...living in India to accpet that thier child had married a non Indian....so pls pls pls...just be mentally ready that they r going to do all sorts of things...and it will atke time...maybe little maybe a lot for them to accept the whole situation.

All the best. Take care of u and your baby.
And remember everything that happens.....happens for the best.....you might not see it that way today....but tomorrow.....
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2005-04-14
#2
Name: advise me
Subject:  thank you from the bottom of my heart
Hi Rekha...

Thanks again for your reply. You didn't make me feel like a screw up, I believe I felt that myself for my own actions but in all honesty I really did need your scoling to shake me out of the life is beautiful lets not change it attitude I was in.

And I must admit here that this forum has really been a huge learning experience. My partner is a loving & generous man and that alone makes him a great catch to top it off he is simply gorgeous! He has such splendid green eyes. I had not though that studying & working overseas would also add to his many good qualities.

I can see now why his mother is so adamant that he will mary a good girl. He could easily woo the best of them. We are to marry in June when my brother returns from an over seas trip and later when my partner is ready he can tell his parents. I hope they understand...

If the do not accept this than we can say we have tried and then move on to a happy life together. We're both so happy that we've been blessed with a child and that has now become the most important thing. Thank you SO very very much for the help & advice you have given me....
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2005-04-10
#3
Name: augustborn
Subject:  am happy for you...
Hey there...
I am so glad for you and your partner! I am sure both of you must be feeling so much better now that the decision has been taken. Trust me, everything fall into place now. Its like putting the first piece of a puzzle(no matter where you start, the picture gets completed anyways)...
Just wanted to add that in all this rigmarole, all of us forgot to wish the mom and dad to-be our congratulations :)
Well, Congrats both of you...

Trust me I dont know of many people who would have been so thoughtful and considerate about other people's feelings as you have been in your case...tell your partner that hes a lucky man :)
Best wishes always and enjoy your pregnancy...

Cheers!
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2005-04-14
#4
Name: advise me
Subject:  thank you for everything
Augustborn. You've been a great help and your warm wishes for our pregnancy were touching. You've given such great advice and I can not that you enough... Bless you always
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2005-04-08
#5
Name: augustborn
Subject:  Hang in there!
I can truly understand the situation you must be going through especially since you are expecting and have to worry about all this...
Also appreciate the point you made about not rushing your partner just because you are pregnant...that speaks volumes about your integrity and ethics. Also, the fact that you really care about your partners relationship with his parents...really admire you for all this. You come across as a very thoughtful and nice person...
Coming back to your problem, like others I feel you should get married(with or without his parents best wishes) not because of any reasons given by my friends here(though all these reasons are very sound).
I feel that pregnancy is a beautiful period and both you and your partner are truly blessed to experience it. What other way to add happiness to this already joyous event than by tying the holy knot...
Moreover, being an Indian at heart, your partner would also(deep down in his heart) feel right about getting married now instead of a year later. Afterall, whats to stop you both. You are both financially sound, had plans of getting married anyways...
From a practical point of view also, getting married now is a good idea. It is easier for your partners parents to accept that you two are expecting a baby and have got married rather than that 'you two are expecting a baby and have not got married'. It would be a 'right thing to do' in their perspective. Infact, the grandchild will be instrumental in their acceptance of you and your partners relationship but if you two dont get married and still have the baby(please excuse me,dont mean to offend) they will think you are not a lady. Most of the indians are very traditional and dont look kindly upon such scenarios though that doesnt mean that children are not born out of wedlock here though not out of choice. The parties involved are generally got married hastily to avoid social scandal. This will seem hypocratic to you surely but its the truth...
Regarding the threats about disowning their son, that is pure emotional blackmail. Donot get fazed by that.

To cut a long story short, to speed up the process of acceptance and happiness on an sides, do review your decision about your marriage. I feel it would be in everyone's interest and favour and happiness if you both get married now rather than waiting for sometime...
My best wishes are with you and your partner!

Cheers!
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2005-04-09
#6
Name: advise me
Subject:  Augustborn
Dear Augustborn,

Thank you so much for your reply. I guess I may have seemed foolish not wanting to marry. But can I just clarify a little why I was so adamant... In Australia it's not unacceptable to have a child out of wedlock but it is concidered less than perfect judgement. Also a wedding now would seem as though we are marrying out of duty & not love. I just didn't want people wo view my relationship as anything less than it is. That is all. You know, in a way it is not so diferent to the way Indians see things. Oh yes it is the opposite but again its the social stigmata.

I spoke with my partner about this post and we sat up all night last night thinking of what we should do. Marriage is the only right option. If his parents do decide to disown him at least we tried to rectify our mistake as best we could. We can not turn back the clock to avoid it and although an abortion might be an alternative its not something I could ever bring myself to contemplate or do. We've decided to marry for the sake of everyone involved. Even my family would feel better if we did.

Your post was so... So warm. I really did appreciate every word you wrote and yes I even cried a little. All the posts to my message were valuable. Tracy is in a similar position... Friend just scared me but friend raised valid points... Rekha sort of scolded me into listening more to the external rather than my own sense of what is right... And Shaan did point out that the child would be shunned in India... These are facts that are relivent and I do need to know them.

I realise the position I am in is my own fault but we were being careful & safe. I guess the powers that be had a hand in it. This has been a learning curve. I don't mind if my partners family do not want anything to do with me but I want more than anything for them to forgive my partner if they feel he has wronged them, I'd like them to remain part of his life. And if they are willing it would be splendid if they recognised our child as their grand child.

I've never wished to cause anyone harm. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to make things better... I really do mean well by everyone involved. Thank you once again for the help you offered... Bless you
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2005-04-07
#7
Name: Rekha
Subject:  Rekha again
As u can see I'm not the only one advisng u against the out of wedlock child....i mean specially since u have plans to get married soon. U said earlier that u are a realtionship concellor.....so u should know better that sometimes u have to compromise on some aspects to keep realtions...or in this case to have realtions with your in laws. U'r only reason not to get married is casue u planned it for next year....and when does life go according to plan?? You don't seem overly concered if u'r bf left u....u already have a male role model ready in his stead. U seem to want to live your life according to what u like and at u'r pace...absolutely nothing wrong with that...but then u should also accept that other people want to accept u..or not accpet u...in their lives. Like u have plans for u'r wedding they have plans for their sons wedding too. So be prepared that either they will disown him or just shun u and the baby. Infact they will not tell a single sole that u r not married and had a child...they will either say that u r already married or that u had a child from previous realtion or some other thing..which will save thier face in society...without a shadow on thier son.
Indian people on this board r telling u how conservative our society still is.....if u don't want to take that into regard...then that is totally u'r wish.
U want them to accept u in thier lives while u do whatever u feel comfortable with.
I think at this point u have made up your mind on how u'r plans r..and u have backup plans too....so u should not be bothered about what u'r bf's parents think or how they behave. U just live u'r life...as u said that u have u'r family's support...so why do u need their approval/acceptance/love....forget it and move on..

I wish u all the best for the pregnancy and future marriage.
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2005-04-07
#8
Name: advise me
Subject:  For Rekha
Reka,

Yes I do realise that everyone is suggesting we marry immediately and I do appreciate & value the advise given to me. Please also remember that that is precicely what it is, advise...

Yes i am a relationship concellor and that is partly why I am loath to jump into a wedding before it was planned. Somehow marriage does something to the dynamics of a relationship and yes small things BF/GF would get through with out too much drama suddenly trasates into catastrophy in a marriage. Marriage is something quite special and fragile & that is what prevents me leaping into it and causing a fracture to the relationship. I said earlier my preference is to be married before the baby is born but my partner admits marrying just now would be when he isn't quite ready and he has his concerns. I am allowed my fears but then again I can not force him to marry me

As for whether or not my Bf leaves me can you or anyone else prevent life continuing? I love my partner and he is the single most important adult person in my life! After a grieving period I would have to pick myself up and live again or should I remain a shattered woman? I was asked a question & I gave the best answer i could. I dont know wouldnt not have been enough as a reply and I want you all to know that should the worst happen the baby & I would be ok... I was trying to reassure peoples concerns not try to sound heartless. For that i am incredibly sorry.

I am not trying to live MY life how I like it, I am trying to do what is best. Are you able to say you've never made a mistake? I do not want to do that here, thus I am asking for advise. And certainly if his parents have issue with us not being married I can accept and understand that. What I refuse to accept is that a child, any child would be shunned because of its parents status. I find that a cude and sad thing

And sure, I know Indian parents have their own plans for their kids future and wish them only the best. If they feel the conservitive way is best I can accept that but I don't understand how they could disown the child they loved. Is it so wrong of me to question that? Or to ask for someone to help me understand it and try to avoid it. Yes, I do have my families support and love... I do not need his families acceptance. It is what my partner needs that brings me here. He needs his parents and I do want to help if it is possible.

Even if his parents accepted me there would always be a strain. I would like if they were willing to be grandparents but I shall accept whatever decision they make. Do you really believe they would lie about the baby? And say my partner was not the father? That would be lying and would they honestly do that? My situation would really affect their position socially wouldnt it? This again is a new twist that I was not aware of. I would be willing to have paternity tests done & dang, I would fight to prove them wrong and yes the mud would stick to them and they are high profile people who would wish it never began. but that in itself is waging war and that is not what i am wanting to do

I am so confused and I feel like I am a total screw up rekha! Look what i have gotten myself into!!! I am an unwed mother to be and I a fighting against the tide! I can not please his parents and yes part of me wishes it were possible but i am resigned to the truth. I want only to ensure the man I love does not loose those dear to him. I am scared that there is a chance my partners parents might win and I will end up raising this child alone. I am frightened and afraid I will fail.

Shall I tell you the truth. His family only JUST learned of me. My partner moved in here after he lost his job in october 2004. He had not much money in the bank and I supported him until last month when he got a job. I was expected to sit silently when he called his parents and one day i asked that he tell them we were dating. Maybe I was wrong. He mom flipped out and I mentioned that in my original post. He is terrified of telling them because there is so much to tell.

How much to tell you wonder? I have 2 other children. A 7 year old boy and a 3 year old daughter. I am a widow. I am everything they do not want for him and all they know of me is what he told them by email & I am still expected to be silent.....He told them this, We are dating & have been for a while, He loves me and my name is Kate. When we started dating 3 years back I didn't know anything about India or indian parents. My bf kept saying it'll be ok when i tell them but the time must be right. They found out about me in January and I read his mothers reply she wrote. Let me tell you my heart skipped a beat and my blood ran cold. That was MY introduction to the full truth.

Now you tell me what i should do, I beg of you to tell me. There is every chance that I may end up raising 3 kids alone and that is why I am insistant life goes on, I have 2 children here who are my reason to go on. My BF loves me as much as I love him and we did read your advise of marrying and then telling them. My bf agreed with it.

His main reason to wait till after the baby is born is that he hopes they will see the child and rethink their position. They may exclude me from their life but maybe, just maybe they will continue to love him and accept our baby. Rekha all I want to do is try to reduce the amount of hurt people will feel... I am not here to prove a point... I am here because I neeeeeeeeed help to do this.
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2005-04-05
#9
Name: Shaan
Subject:  its serious
Hai read your message. I would like to point out that even though we Indians have advanced ahead in all other fields our thinking is still conservative. None of the family in Indian culture will ever accept the fact that his /her son/daughter is going to a father/mother before marriage. That realtion doesn't have any dignity. The child born out be always critisised. Even the child when grows up will point fingures on you. So in my ipinoin it is safe and better to get married first and then talk to your in-laws. Moreover GOD forbids if tommorow something bad happens like your b/f leaves you, what will be your as well as your baby's fate.
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2005-04-05
#10
Name: advise me
Subject:  thanks shaan
thank you for replying to my message. yes i do believe you are right that it wont be accepted but they refused to accept me based on my name alone. such a western name comes with all the implied western traits. given my predicament its hard to defend myself i guess.

obviously from posts here were i to have the child outside of wedlock it would be shunned and looked upon badly in india. things will be easier for the child here in australia, the child will be judged based solely on its actions & never on its parents status.

with regard to what would happen if my partner leaves me, well, thats a fairly simple answer. life goes on. I should raise it on my own without any concerns. i have a very supportive family and my brother & i own a house together so it would not be lacking for a male role model
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2005-04-04
#11
Name: Rekha
Subject:  get married asap
my personal advise...get married...and then drop the bomb shell together...about the wedding and pregnancy. This way they will come around faster....it will takew them time....but eventually they will come around. Why I'm suggesting marriage now....cause if u have the baby now and then think about marriage....u might not have any wedding....sorry if I'm being mean. The think is :emotional blackmail is the biggest tool Indain parents have. Marriage is still considered a one time thing...so if u r married....there will be finality to it. It u r ready to have a child out of wedlock ...that's a really big mark against u in their eyes ..u will be considered a loose girl..how every well educated, bright, loveing and caring u r. Indainas r still very conservative in their thinking. Trust me I have heard about all the drama parents can play to make thier son do what they want to.....even as to faking illness.

So my strong suggestion....get married..and tell them everything as a done deal. If u r keen on involving them in the marriage...tell them that they can have a wedding recption or indian ceremony when u guys go to India.
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2005-04-04
#12
Name: advise me!
Subject:  thank you Rekha
Rekha, thank you for answering my post and giving me your advise. It's not that I want to have a child out of wedlock, as a preference I would be married before the child is born. But we had not planned to marry so soon. We were planning to marry next year and I feel like if we rush into marriage now it would look just as inappropriate as having the child out of wedlock. I would love if they could accept this and not cause any harm to their relationship to my partner and I want to do all I can to facilitate this.. Once again thank you
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2005-04-04
#13
Name: friend
Subject:  cannot accept
no indian parents can accept their son/ daughter becoming dad/mom before marriage. but still it has happened. they might accept u and they might throw your bf out of their minds. yes it is v.painful to hear all this. but do you know my friend, how shameful it will be for the parents when the neighbours and relatives get to know this incident. they will not be able to lift up their heads. the parents will be hesitating so much even to come out of their houses for the fear of facing others. everybody will surely look down upon them. this answer might hurt you.dont u know that getting pregnant before marriage is not accepted any where in the world, nomatter which country you belong to or which culture you belong to. it is considered immioral. i actually more sorry for yor bf's parents. i hope god gives them the courage to face this problem
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2005-04-04
#14
Name: advise me!
Subject:  thank you cannot accept
thank you for your advise... you have raised a very vaild point that the pregnancy will cause them shame... this is not something that has corssed my mind before now and i thank you for bringing it up... it's really not cosidered to immoral in many countries to have a child out of wedlock... more a matter of bad-timing... my mother was quite shocked to hear i was expecting but she understood that i felt if we rushed the marriage i would have felt as though i was pushing my partner into something even tho we are already planning a wedding in the future. thank you for a very specific insight.
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2005-04-04
#15
Name: Tracy
Subject:  Hi
Hi...I understand your questions...I am in a similiar situation.Except my bf's parents live here near me. Right now they are in India looking for his brother a wife. They know we are getting married on April 23rd and have know since the end of January. That is the last time they spoke to him. His sister is here with her family .She speaks to him but does not act like anything is going to happen soon. WHen his parents were here his dad tried to break us up. The thing I want you to know is relationship counseler or not you can't even begin to understand the way they interact with each other. They are very involved with each other. I have prayed about this and it is very sad because my bf wants a hindu wedding and we are going to have one but it will be all my family and friends. It's really sad that people could act like that. These parents are into emotional blackmail. They are very hard to understand. Everyone tells me eventually they will come around. Hopefully one day they will. It is a good thing they are in India for now...
Much love.....
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2005-04-04
#16
Name: advise me!
Subject:  Thank your Tracy...
Hi Tracy, thanks for your reply. You are so right when you say I have no idea of the way they will react. I know I am out of my depth and that is why I came here for advise. I can not understand how parents could remove a child from their lives because they are in love. I am fully accepting that the baby will make things worse but then again their reaction when they heard we were dating was really extreme. They came to all these wretched conclusions based only on my name.

I don't really understand the Indian mind-set and I needed to hear from people who would. However having someone in similar curcumstances tell me of their experience has added alot more to think about. I am sorry to hear that your partners father tried to break you up. Would id be rude to ask what it is he did? If you didn't want to bring it up here you can reach me at oneidkat at yahoo dot com. I sincerely wish you all the best with your wedding. It would be lovely if his parents could join you but remember it is a day of happiness and its those who will be most happy to see your union who will be joining you. Its not everything you hope for but it is enough. Have a wonderful marriage and a long and happy life together
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