Read on about Purnima's touching journey into motherhood. She's finally told her daughter the truth about her adoption. Here's how Malavika coped with this revelation.
Though she is an overly sensitive child who gets upset when a friend has been hurt or an animal is not taken care of, she was not upset by the news. She was so secure in our love. Of course she asked a lot of questions. "Tell me about it, when did you see me, and what happened when you saw me, who was there when you brought me home" etc. We showed her the pictures of her first day at home, the announcement in the papers because we were so proud to have her, and told her how much everyone loves her. She was secure that she was our child and that we were her parents, and we loved and wanted her very much, and that this was the way "it was meant to be".
Luckily, our daughter has some very good friends, some of whom are older than her and treat her as a younger sister to be babied. When she was about 4 yrs old, they heard she was adopted (I have no idea who the source was), and were discussing it amongst themselves. Luckily one of their parents heard of this and told me about it. I had a talk with the children, and explained the concept of adoption and told them that as she was too young to be told they should not discuss it in front of her as she would be upset hearing it from someone other than us. I told them that they could ask me any questions they had or talk about it among themselves. If I said it was a taboo topic it would pique their curiosity, and they would keep talking about it - but they were mature enough to say that they did not need to talk about it (they were about 9-10 yrs old at that time). I told them that she would need their love and support when I broke the news to her. That made them feel very important and wanted, and they never mentioned it to her. In fact, 2 years later, when they heard we had now told her, they felt she was still too young.
Acceptance by family and friends is very important - it helps give the child continuity & adds to the feeling of security.
It is very important for the adoptive parents to have the qualities of patience and perseverance, and the flexibility required to face all odds. There have been times over the years when she has asked questions, and the appropriate answers have just come to me at that time. God gives us the strength and the presence of mind to come up with the right answer.
When she was about 9 yrs old, something she said made me want to shout with joy from the rooftops. Being a voracious reader, she happened to pick up the Reader's Digest and saw an article about a Korean girl who had been adopted into an American family. I did not realize that she had seen that - on hindsight I am so glad she did and realized things naturally. She asked me about the article and I gave her the outline of the story. She skimmed through it too - grasping whatever she could at her age. That article was the catalyst for me to know her thoughts. We talked about the Open book system abroad and the Closed book system here where one cannot get any information on the birth parents. She was curious about this, and then turned around and stunned me. She said, "This is better, because then you don't have to make the decision about whether to stay with your parents or with your birth mother. You love your parents so much and you also want to be with your birth mother, and it is a difficult decision to make." It was finally out in the open, and I wondered what would come next, wary, and yet confident that God would help me to find a way to talk to her as He always has.
At that point, I asked her a question I have shunned from asking, not wanting to start a thought process that may not be there. I told her that she must be curious to know who her birth mother was, like the child in the story; and she said "No", quickly changing it to "Yes - a little, but not really. I have a lovely family and parents and friends who I love very much," - so saying she pulled my cheeks affectionately, as if consoling me that it was all right. She is such a caring and sensitive child! I brought to her notice that the birth mother normally asks the agency to find a home for the child because for some reason she is not able to take care of the child, so obviously she would not want the child back - and this was also mentioned in the story she had read. She accepted that so calmly. I had goose flesh all this while, whereas she acted so naturally - I thank God for the wisdom and strength He has given her to be so mature.
Having a child in the family makes all the difference in the world to us, and I am sure to all families who long for a child. We are parents with all the trials and tribulations of parenthood, but we thoroughly enjoy that, exasperating though it may be sometimes. It is very important to share the fact of adoption with your child, because he/she should never raise a finger and say, "You lied to me!" There should be total trust between parents and child.
Name:
Wellwisher,
Country: U.S.A.
congratulations on motherhood and a well-written article. hope to get many more such articles from you
with your experiences. by the way, i also adopted a baby girl and i went through all the emotions you had..from infertility treatments to holding our daughter in our arms...i understood every word that you had wriiten from my heart!!! we also had a huge celebration and it was overwhelming to get a lot of goodwill. now, everyone from my parents' street in india wants to know about the baby's progress and everything. take care, enjoy motherhood and keep writing....all the best to you...
Name:
Feli,
Country: India
hi, congratulations. god bless you and your family. indeed you are very lucky to have a caring, loving and understanding mother. all the best... take care and enjoy every step of motherhood.
Name:
malini,
Country: India
hi friend, congratulations for a new life in yr life, i felt so good after reading yr article, actually i m at the midle stage of poking, and now kind of getting irritated by all that, lets hope i get a baby soon or else will surely go for an adoption.
Name:
Purnima,
Country: India
yes - she knows about it and has been wondeful about it - and it does make for another article. will do so!
Name:
anonymous,
Country: India
part 2 was equally interesting..my question is does the girl know that she's adopted and how did she handle it? that would have been an useful experience for the readers. i ask this as an adoptive mother myself. i hear some have taken it very well and there
are few that seem to get upset. your experience in this would be very helpful. very positive and upbeat article otherwise..
Name:
Asha Bhoumick,
Country: India
it is heartening to read this article. she is lucky that she managed to fulfil her dream of adoption. my dream of adopting a girl child (i have a bilogical son who is six and a half years old) reamins a dream. i have tried getting in touch with many agencies but to no avail.
Name:
swati,
Country: India
one of my cousin's has adopted a child after haing two of her own - one boy and one girl! she really wanted to do good to the society. hats off to her becasue she is a working mother.
Name:
Radhika,
Country: India
purnima,
gr8 to read thru the three parts...really appreciate your decision to adopt a baby . the third part wherein u tried to explain to ur daughter that she was adopted child, is rlaly mind blowing...i mean, u wud have undergone so much mental homework to answer her questions and to deal with her .well hats off to u ma'm.
Name:
wellwisher,
Country: India
could not finish reading the article
without tears in my eyes...look forward
to the remaining story...we haven't told our daughter yet and i have heard that it is in schools the kids start talking and some of them are mean without realizing it...yours is a delicate narration...all the best
Name:
adoptve mother,
Country: Singapore
we 've an 18 year old son whom we actually adopted as a premature born baby. we were at a loss at the 'right' age of how to let him know 'the truth' . i wish this article eas available then to help us. anyways hats off to this lady whose done a great job of a mother . really i enjoyed reading this article and have been waiting for the bits to develop and share my experiences . every parent goes thorugh this .
Name:
sandhya,
Country: U.S.A.
hey poornima,
loved your article and the honesty in it came right through. i am so fortunate to have friends like you who have been able to deal with life in such a positive vein.
lots of love to malavika.
Name:
Mahisha,
Country: India
hi,
i felt very good reading ur experience. gods way of healing people is very tremendous. and tremendous are those who realize that. i salute to the great mother and the motherhood who could bring this truth to her daughter.
love u and be happy.
wish u all very happy holi
Name:
NILIMA MEHTA,
Country: India
straight from the heart...a beautiful journey..and shared with so much sensitivity!!! and also a perfect combination of head and heart...
Name:
prachi,
Country: India
ur article was very touching.i m also looking for adopting a girl between 3-5yr old.please help, v r in hyderabad.hw old was she when u adopted her?
Name:
sree,
Country: Canada
hi
i was really touched by ur article u r really lucky in having ur whole family support on that issue and u have done a great job heres wishing u both a wonderful future ahead
Name:
Binu Advani,
Country: India
beautifully written and at the same time so informative.good luck - enjoy
life's long journey together !
Name:
Kamlu Gulrajani,
Country: U.S.A.
excellent article. thanks for sharing.looking forward to updates on malvika's progress and your family life.good luck!
Name:
Purnima,
Country: India
this is for prachi and anyone else who wants to know more. click on my name under the title and the email address is there where you can write to me.
Name:
Nandita,
Country: India
hi,it was wonderful reading about your journey;i've started a similar journey two and half years ago and often wonder in nights like tonight 'how would she take it'; she is a bubbly 3 year old now and we are about to bring home a baby brother for her. though i am confident i'd be able to deal with the task, sometimes it terrifies me. i just hope my babies would grow up to be happy and content individuals; i must thank my wonderful family evryone of which has boosted my confidence.
Name:
Karishma,
Country: India
o mi god!!! this true life incident is really amazing and i am also thinking going in for adoption after reading u dear purnima. i am also longing to have a child but i guess fate has something else in store for me. i am tired of all the doctors that i am seeing. i am just hoping that i form enuf courage to go in for adopting a baby girl!!!!
all the best to u and lots of love to malavika.
Name:
life is good,
Country: U.S.A.
congratulations and bless you and your family.
we've adopted 2 girls from india (my husband and his family is from india). our oldest is now 4.5 and we recently brought home our second daughter who is 1.5. parenting, adopted or not, and family is a lifelong journey (or rollercoaster ride). i experience motherhood as a science project....enjoying it everyday.
thanks for sharing, providing perspective, and good luck
Name:
Honey,
Country: India
i have adopted a babygirl, she was 6mnths when she came home,now she is 15mnths.she is chirpy and full of life and loves me unconditional. but i am very anxios as to how she will react when she knows,i hope she doesnot doubt my love,i hope my daughter reacts like yours.
Name:
adoptve mother,
Country: Singapore
purnima, i could never finish these articles witout a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. i have gone through the very same experiences as you and then decided adoption. sometimes i feel that the attachment that i have with my 18 yr old son is so fierce-would i have it if i has given birth. my siblings and cousins as well as inlaws tell me not to be overprotective and let ho , but i jsut can't do it. i have sacrificed so much for him that i can't loose my son now ! if i send him overseas to study i sometimes feel i will just go along as the bond is so fierce that i cannot break it !. the strength of love that adoption brings , probablly no other form of love will bring !
Name:
adoptve mother,
Country: Singapore
we 've an 18 year old son whom we actually adopted as a premature born baby. we were at a loss at the 'right' age of how to let him know 'the truth' . i wish this article eas available then to help us. anyways hats off to this lady whose done a great job of a mother . really i enjoyed reading this article and have been waiting for the bits to develop and share my experiences . every parent goes thorugh this .
purnima, i could never finish these articles witout a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. i have gone through the very same experiences as you and then decided adoption. sometimes i feel that the attachment that i have with my 18 yr old son is so fierce-would i have it if i has given birth. my siblings and cousins as well as inlaws tell me not to be overprotective and let ho , but i jsut can't do it. i have sacrificed so much for him that i can't loose my son now ! if i send him overseas to study i sometimes feel i will just go along as the bond is so fierce that i cannot break it !. the strength of love that adoption brings , probablly no other form of love will bring !
Name:
mini,
Country: India
i was touched and am slowly telling my 5 yr daughter that she is adopted by telling her stories where little children come in dream and how mother goes to find that child but at this age also they here carefully weighing each word like why such dreams come etc so it has to be dealt with honesty but gently may god giv us the wisdom and guide us so that our lovely kids do not feel hurt
